The Critic Quotes

The Critic

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Franklin Sherman: A penguin! [angrily] And he's been drinking! Wait a minute. Penguins can't fly... PENGUINS CAN'T FLY!
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Jeremy Hawke: Vlada, there's a radio in my soup. Vlada: I will get you a new one right away. [yanks a tub his mother is soaking her feet in] Sorry, Mamma. [serves the tub to Jeremy] Jeremy Hawke: Vlada, there's an old lady's stocking in my soup. Vlada: She is not so old!... I mean... it's a noodle.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Frankie and Ellie Get Lost Humphrey the Hippo: Have you kids been smoking like I asked you to? Girl: [in Doris' voice] Yeah, I'm up to four packs a day! Humphrey the Hippo: Ok, kids. Now Humphrey's gonna tell ya what happens when you get a lung removed... Humphrey the Hippo: ...You get free ice cream! Girl: [coughing] Yay!
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia Jay Sherman: [telling his story to children] So, there I was - a grown man stuck in a honey pot. Alice Tompkins: I thought it was an Arabian jail. Jay Sherman: Oh, of course, how silly - a man stuck in a honey pot. [overturns a picture of him trapped in a hunnypot just like Winnie the Pooh]
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia Captain Raheem: You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you! Jay Sherman: Like I'm not used to that. Captain Raheem: [handing him a paper] Read this! Jay Sherman: There's going to be a really bitching kegger tonight at Captain Raheem's tent! Captain Raheem: That's mine. Read this! Jay Sherman: Dear Urkel: you are so funny. Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, Captain Raheem. Captain Raheem: Give me that! Jay Sherman: Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G, and walks on the beach. Whoo-hoo! Kenny G.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Sherman of Arabia Eleanor Sherman: What's going to happen to our darling little boy? Franklin Sherman: Don't worry, my darling. I have friends in high places who'll take care of everything. President Bush: Franklin, great to see you. Been years. Franklin Sherman: Mr. President, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return. President Bush: You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies! Franklin Sherman: I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men Duke Phillips: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'm going to tell you what I'm really going to do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm going raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese. Ronald Reagan: Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback. Duke Phillips: Half you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England. Queen Elizabeth: Oh, I don't want that. Prince Charles: More poison? I mean, tea? Queen Elizabeth: Don't mind if I do. Oops. Almost had me there. Duke Phillips: Well, that's my speech, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. Vote for Duke. Good night.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - All the Duke's Men Marty Sherman: Being President's hard work. And all the other kids want to do is goof off and eat candy. Jay Sherman: Son, as President, you're above that. Ronald Reagan: I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy. Crowd: Four more years! Four more years!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - From Chunk to Hunk Penny Tompkins: Momma, I'm scared of Peter Pan! Alice Tompkins: We all are, Honey.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Gene Siskel: Ok, let's try a take. Wait, something's wrong. You don't look right. Try on this wig. [Puts a gray wig on Jay] Jay Sherman: What? Gene Siskel: Now, the glasses. [Puts a pair of glasses on Jay] Jay Sherman: You're making me look like Roger. Gene Siskel: Just do what I say! Jay Sherman: Dammit, Gene! I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger! I wish I were! [Runs off sobbing]
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice Roger Ebert: [Showing Jay a photo album] Here's Gene and me on Splash Mountain. Here we are winning the three-legged-race. And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert. Jay Sherman: Shouldn't we get to work? Roger Ebert: Sure, Gene. Anything you say. Jay Sherman: You called me Gene. Roger Ebert: I'm sorry, Gene. I'll never do it again... Gene. Jay Sherman: My name is Jay, and I need some air! [Runs off sobbing] I'm not Gene!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child Madonna: [on a children's show] Don't f [beep] with me, Hippo. Humphrey Hippo: Do you eat with that mouth? Madonna: Yes. I also f [beep] and s [beep] with it.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child Jeremy Hawke: In the words of the immortal poet; "carpe canem!" Jay Sherman: Yes! [exits and then reenters seconds later] "Carpe canem"? "Seize the dog"? Jeremy Hawke: You heard me!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child Jay Sherman: [singing] I'm a happy film critic / short and stout / I'll have the brisket. Vlada Veramirovich: [singing] Sorry, we're out.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child Cyrus Tompkins: I wanna thank you for what you did for my wife and my little girl. It was more than what I did. Jay Sherman: There are a lot of people who would've done what I did. They're called putzes! Cyrus Tompkins: I like pepperoni on my putzes. Jay Sherman: I'll bet you do.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Sherman, Woman and Child Jay Sherman: Boss, I'd like you to meet Alice Tompkins. She's the one who really turned my show around. Alice Tompkins: It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation. "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?" Duke Phillips: I still give that speech today. You know, Southern people like us have to work extra hard in New York. People hear the way we talk and just assume we're illiterate country bumpkins! Bears: [to the tune of "Camptown Races"] We're the bears that sing for Duke / Doo-dah, Doo-dah / Drinking moonshine 'til we puke / All the doo-dah day. Duke Phillips: [laughing] Big, dumb, belching bears!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - A Pig-Boy and His Dog Jay Sherman: Help, or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - A Pig-Boy and His Dog Jay Sherman: Hello, and welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Barney the Dinosaur: The Motion Picture." Just look who got $10 million to play Barney! Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose 100 pounds to play a dinosaur? Can't even see through the eyeholes on this thing. Kid: Hey! Barney's being funny! Marlon Brando: No, I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since "The Freshman," that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking, making that picture, let me tell you.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Franklin Sherman: Hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you? Judge: No, you appointed Mr. Potato Head, but the voters recalled him.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Prosecutor: Mr. Phillips, please answer the question! Duke Phillips: All right! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Gaddafi! Prosecutor: What? Duke Phillips: Uh... mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy. Judge: I have the same problem with fresh fruit.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Jay Sherman: So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife? Ardeth: The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars. Jay Sherman: Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Duke Phillips: Well, like most of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, goat god.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Jay Sherman: Don't worry son, if you think that only handsome musicians can get beautiful women, I have two words for you: Lyle Lovett. Marty Sherman: I thought that he was handsome. Jay Sherman: You're thinking of Jon Lovitz. With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hello, and welcome to "Coming Attractions." I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this is Little Knothead. Jay Sherman: This is so demeaning. I have a PhD in film! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Okay, Dr. Knothead, why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink this glass of water. Jay Sherman: [singing] John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / That's my name too! I spit in the water. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Knothead!
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - Dr. Jay Jay Sherman: What if we found a cure for your disease, like in "Lorenzo's Oil"? Duke Phillips: Isn't that the movie you said was a mixture of fantasy and crap? Jay Sherman: Yes! I dubbed it "Fantacrap"!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - L.A. Jay Jay Sherman: Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino in "Scent of a Jackass." Al Pacino: Whoo-ah! Charlie, you pimply little preppy, I'm gonna kill myself. Chris O'Donnell: Good. Al Pacino: I mean it, you MTV-watching mama's boy, I'm gonna pull the trigger! Chris O'Donnell: Fine, if it'll shut you up. Al Pacino: You'll miss my whoo-ah, my tangoing, my blind driving, my whoo-ah. Chris O'Donnell: You said that already. Al Pacino: I say it a lot. Whoo-ah! Jay Sherman: Talking about overusing a catchphrase. Hotchie motchie, it stinks!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - L.A. Jay Jay Sherman: Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical. Duke Phillips: You people sure have a lot of holidays. Jay Sherman: No, I've written a screenplay and I'm taking it to Hollywood. But since I'm a film critic, there might be a conflict of interest. Duke Phillips: You want to hear about conflict of interest? I own a cigarette company and a company that sells nicotine patches. I own a baseball team and I bet against them, and I love America, but for tax purposes, I'm a citizen of the Dutch Antilles. Jay Sherman: Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me. Now that I know all your secrets, you don't have to kill me, do you? Duke Phillips: If I do, you'll never see it coming.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - L.A. Jay Jay Sherman: All right, it's just you and me. What did you think of my script? Gary Grossman: It was excrement. Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was excellent?" Gary Grossman: It was crummy. Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was yummy?" Gary Grossman: It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night. Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight?" Gary Grossman: It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me want to cry out in pain. Jay Sherman: Did you say "it was a brilliant piece of work, and you'll fly me to Spain? Where we'll meet King Juan Carlos and drink sangria all night?" Gary Grossman: You piece of blech.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Marthon Mensch Franklin: [Jay is seen running in the distance] Hey,hey,hey, it's Fat Albert! How-buh are-buh you-buh do-bing?
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - A Little Deb Will Do You Jay Sherman: You're an insipid, walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink! Humphrey the Hippo: Why, you'd have to eat six bowls for that to happen! Jay Sherman: Yes, yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk.

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