The Colbert Report Quotes

The Colbert Report

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

The Colbert Report Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 70: - Steve Squyres Stephen Colbert: [In reference to the Battle of San Jacinto] Which proves conclusively once again that Mexicans are lazy and Texans will kill you in your sleep.
	Season 2 / Episode 45: - Jesse Jackson Host: A praying bear? Unlike bunnies bears have nothing to do with our Lord Jesus Christ. Bears don't pray because they're godless killing machines.
	Season 2 / Episode 38: - Dan Senor Host: The cereal once known as "Sugar Pops" then as "Corn Pops" has changed its name once again to "Pops". They already took out the sugar. Now they've taken out the corn. What the hell is left? Now I've always been suspicious of this particular cereal. It comes in that foil bag as if we needed extra shielding from some sort of radio active output. Plus it has no mascot. I just don't trust a kids cereal that can't even get a cartoon animal to endorse it.
	Season 2 / Episode 28: - Bob Schieffer Host: I propose that we eliminate cash entirely and do all transactions electronically. First, we give every American a number. Then we assign those numbers to a bar code. I call it the "Barcode for Economic And Sumptuary Transactions", or "B.E.A.S.T. for short. This ummm B.E.A.S.T. mark then will be branded or tattooed on the hand or the forehead of every American and can be used to track income, purchases, even people. The mark of the B.E.A.S.T., it's the key to fairer simpler tax collection. IRS...you're welcome.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - Michael Eric Dyson Michael Eric Dyson: There's no 'I' in 'racism'.
	Season 1 / Episode 27: - Craig Crawford Host: Hey, Hugo, if you think you're going to win the hearts and minds of Northeasterners away from our president, jokes on you, Chubby. He never had 'em. "The Word" side-screen: Cuz We Could Send a Tanker For It. Whatever Works For You Host: But, listen, that doesn't mean Americans are willing to give you their hearts and minds. "The Word" side-screen: We'll Trade Them For Oil Host: Now your ambassador said you are doing this because "we are all Americans." No we're not. We are Americans "The Word" side-screen: USA! USA! USA! Host: You are Venezuelans. Or at best you are South Americans or Central Americans, or whatever the hell Venezuela is. "The Word" side-screen: Real Americans fail Geography Host: The point is, we don't need your help, especially those of us who do need your help. "The Word" side-screen: The Proud Helpless Host: If anyone is going to give... If ANYONE is going to give poor Americans affordable heating oil it'll be US oil companies "The Word" side-screen: Which They Probably Won't Host: Which they won't! "The Word" side-screen: I Knew It! Host: Because, one simple reason, we respect them too much "The Word" side-screen: Thank You? Host: And Poor People, you're not off the hook either, stop being poor. By being destitute you make us look bad. Chavez recently said "there are people who died from cold in the winter in the US. Who Blabbed? Loose lips sink ships "The Word" side-screen: Like Exxon Valdez? Host: It is our patriotic duty to refuse this Socialist Oil. "The Word" side-screen: Freeze for Freedom Host: After Hurricane Katrina, Japan, Germany and Afghanistan offered us aid, but our president turned it all down. "The Word" side-screen: He WHAT?! Host: Because with all the troubles we have in this country "The Word" side-screen: Terrorism Unemployment Outsourcing Gun Violence No Health Care Starving Children Host: There is one thing Americans desperately need: [Help!] Pride. And that's the word
	Season 1 / Episode 24: - Richard Clarke Stephen Colbert: When it comes to mental gymnastics, I'm a 14-year-old Romanian girl. And I'm gonna stick this landing.
	Season 1 / Episode 23: - Katrina Vanden Heuvel Stephen Colbert: Mulch is my trademark thing to come down as a ton of.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Bradley Whitford Dan Rather: My show has Spine... and it has Guts. Stephen Colbert: I like that. What about balls?
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.
	Unknown Episode: Stone Phillips: We invited Mother Teresa to respond to these charges.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls. Fareed Zakaria: You've really got balls on your mind tonight.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for... five nights now...
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: ["Formidable Opponent:" Stephen Colbert debating with Stephen Colbert on charity] But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor. Stephen Colbert: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to... Stephen Colbert: An orphanage? Stephen Colbert: Whatever lets you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift. Stephen Colbert: Get out of the street orphans! Stephen Colbert: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf. Stephen Colbert: Noooooo! Stephen Colbert: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself. Stephen Colbert: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car? Stephen Colbert: No, it could be a really sweet boat.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: I don't trust books; they're all fact, no heart.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: [Stephen states that celebrities are the ones to listen to about love] Thankfully, there are three celebrity relationship that are strong enough not only to last, but to teach the rest of us. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and William H Macy and Felicity Huffman. From their example, I've created "Stephen's Laws of Love" There are four laws, follow them and you'll be a happy and succesful husband and/or wife. Law number one: find someone who's name can be merged with yours to form a marketable nickname. Just like Brangelina, Bennifer 2, or... Fillam H. Muffman... [Stephen cracks up over the name, putting his cards over his face, but still visibly cracking up in a rare display] The merged names... the merged names symbolize your un... [He cracks up again]... got a little something in my eye there. The merged names symbolize your unity and creates headline space, so that the phrase "sex tape" can be printed below it in a larger font. Law number two, marry someone within... [Stephen almost cracks up again]... marry someone in the exact same field as you. If possible, someone you work with. After all, it worked for "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Daredevil" and "The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" Not enough people saw that one.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: [Debating Russ Lieber on minimum wage] Look, people don't have to work for what I'm paying them, they don't have to show up. It's not slave labor. By the way, slave labor- I'm against it. Rebuttal? Russ Lieber: Um, well... I'm against it too. Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology. Look, they tried your idea in Russia. Minimum wage is just line item Communism! All right? The government is controlling the economy. We won the Cold War, Mr Lieber, fair and square. Russ Lieber: Well, I don't see what the Cold War has to do with this. Stephen Colbert: Then why don't you support our troops? Russ Lieber: I, I do! I don't see what that has to do with... Stephen Colbert: So it'd be better for you if Saddam were back in power? Russ Lieber: No, we were talking about minimum wage. Stephen Colbert: On September 11'th, 2001... Russ Lieber: Oh come on, September 11'th has nothing to do with this! Stephen Colbert: I am not gonna let anyone sit here and bad mouth our firemen! No way! Sorry, not on my show, mister! Cut off his mike! Russ Lieber: Oh, now wait a second! Stephen Colbert: Cut off his mike! [Lieber's mike is cut off, but he's still talking] I can still hear him, what is that? Is he coming through my mike? Cut off my mike!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Am I right? [applause] Evidently I'm right.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: [Discussing Martin Luther King] Dr King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plently. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is... what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others, but for my own part... I have a dreamsicle. [Holds up a popsicle] Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression! Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen... tasty confection? I have... a dreamsicle. [Takes a bite out of the popsicle] He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents. [Takes another bite] I have a dreamsicle! Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony. [Takes another bite] Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! I have a dreamsicle! [Takes another bite] And... in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made... GOD! [Holds his forehead] Aggh, brain freeze! Oohhh... ahhh! Oh Jesus, that hurt! Ugh, forget it! Nothing's worth this pain... good night.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated. Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness! Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law. Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter! Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus? Conan O'Brien: How can you say that? Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company! Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize? Stephen Colbert: Absolutly. Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice. [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later] Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response. Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong. Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: [interviewing Tim Robbins] I don't think I need to tell you, I have, I'm really split on you, Mr Robbins. On one hand, I think you are a true artist, who through your work is enriching our culture. On the other side, I think your politics are killing us by inches. Okay? So I'm not exactly sure what kinda question to lead off with here. Why don't I try to split the difference? What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops?
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it! [whispers] For God sake, shut the fuck up!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: George Bush... great president, or the greatest president?
	Unknown Episode: Mike Mark Carrion: [Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion. Stephen Colbert: Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to. Mike Mark Carrion: What seems to be the problem? Stephen Colbert: This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true? Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which... Stephen Colbert: The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying? Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey. Stephen Colbert: Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines? Mike Mark Carrion: Bears are not killing machines. Stephen Colbert: But you will admit that they are Godless? Mike Mark Carrion: Uh... Stephen Colbert: What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"? Mike Mark Carrion: You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them... Stephen Colbert: Oh, it's our fault! It's our fault, because I have doughnuts! Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if... Stephen Colbert: Were you livid with my show? Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey. Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology. Mike Mark Carrion: I didn't apologize. Stephen Colbert: Too late! Goodbye!
	Unknown Episode: Stephen Colbert: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits. This is the Colbert Report.

« previous12 3 next »

» Back to The Colbert Report TV Show