The Boondocks Quotes

The Boondocks

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Story Of Catcher Freeman Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: It was love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, his trapezius muscles rippled through his shirt. Riley Freeman: Alright, Granddad, damn, you're making me uncomfortable. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Catcher Freeman was a sexy man!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Story Of Catcher Freeman Huey Freeman: [checking the internet to find the truth about Catcher Freeman] Excuse me, everyone. I think we can resolve this quickly. Catcher Tobias Lynchwater, better known as Catcher Freeman, was a house slave on Colonel Lynchwater's plantation. He was also Colonel Lynchwater's son, although the Colonel never claimed him. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Wait, what? Master's son? Uh uh. No, no, no, that can't be! Huey Freeman: He is believed to have written the first screenplay in secret, several years before the invention of the motion picture industry. Uncle Ruckus: What website is that? MadeUpMonkeyShit.com?
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Shinin' Thugnificent: Hey, don't sweat it, homey. 'Cause when it's time to show the world how the broke niggas live, maybe MTV will come to your house, and it'll be your turn to shine. But until then - tell your moms to get off my dick, nigga! And get the hell up outta here, bitches!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch Luna: Any noise, and I will butt-rape your grandfather with this broomstick! Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boys! Don't make any noise!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Story of Thugnificent Riley Freeman: [watching Thugnificent's arrival in the neighborhood] Man, I wanna go over there, but I don't wanna dick-ride, you know. Would that be dick-riding, you think? To go over there?... Alright, what if I just go over there and give him a pounding, and be like, 'What up, Thugnificent,' like not really on his sack or nothin'. Yeah.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Huey Freeman: This isn't an exorcism - it's a beating. Uncle Ruckus: Sometimes there is very little difference.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Uncle Ruckus: We will use the tools that God gave us to fight the nigger: The whip, the noose, the nightstick, the branding iron. These things strike fear into the heart of the nigger. The job application.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Thank You For Not Snitching Riley Freeman: I don't snitch! I can't talk to the Po-po. Huey Freeman: You can tell Granddad, he's not the police. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Yeah boy. You can tell me. Riley Freeman: Do you promise not to tell nobody? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Of course I promise. I swear on your life. Riley Freeman: [pause] You lyin'! That's messed-up, Granddad! Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [grabs Riley by the shoulders] Boy, you tell me who stole my car!
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher Riley Freeman: [laughs at Tom] Usher? That dick is my age! Tom Dubois: So, you guys don't think I'm overreacting? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I don't think so. You a big-time lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher? Huey Freeman: Not an usher. Usher, he's a singer. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Usher's ain't supposed to sing. You can't hear the movie!
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher Tom Dubois: And so, sweetie, that's why Daddy is staying over at the Freeman's house. So Mommy can have her space. Jazmine Dubois: So you're not getting a divorce? Tom Dubois: Oh, no, sweetie. Jazmine Dubois: So, Usher won't be my new daddy? Tom Dubois: What? No, that's ridiculous! Jazmine Dubois: Oh, are you sure? Maybe just for a little while? I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy? This is, uh, a pretty good sized room.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher Tom Dubois: Uh, what's going on, guys? A Pimp Named Slickback: Mr. Dubois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback, sir, and this is an intervention. Tom Dubois: An intervention? A Pimp Named Slickback: Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency, Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom? Tom Dubois: Is this some kind of joke? A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher Tom Dubois: What was your name again? A Pimp Named Slickback: Well, thank you for asking. My name is A Pimp Named Slickback. Tom Dubois: Wait, a pimp? A Pimp Named Slickback: Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing if you would? Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time. Tom Dubois: Look, Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback... A Pimp Named Slickback: No need for the "Mr." Tom Dubois: I don't think I need any help from someone like you. A Pimp Named Slickback: And by "someone like me," you mean a pimp? A bad guy? Tom Dubois: Now, look, I'm not trying to insult you. I just don't approve of what you people do to women. A Pimp Named Slickback: Oh, so I'm wrong, so I'm messed up. Well, which one of us is missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around looking for a bitch. I know where all my bitches are, thank you very much.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher A Pimp Named Slickback: Now look at you, bitchless. Sans bitch, as the French in France would say.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher A Pimp Named Slickback: Did you know that at least 75% of bitches suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that, more likely than not, talking is not the most effective way to communicate with a bitch. That's when you have to hit her. Tom Dubois: Whoa, what? A Pimp Named Slickback: You tell her what you want her to do. If she say no, hit the bitch! Simple. Tom Dubois: But I couldn't hit Sarah. I couldn't hit any woman. A Pimp Named Slickback: Has not hitting the bitch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hitting the bitch achieved the desired result? Tom Dubois: No way! I just, I can't, I couldn't, I won't! A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, take a deep breath. It's okay, people have phobias. Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a bitch's head. Okay, we can beat this.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Tom, Sarah & Usher A Pimp Named Slickback: This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center. Tom Dubois: Why does a pimp need a surveillance center? A Pimp Named Slickback: Included in your retainer fee is state-of-the-art bitch surveillance. Quiet Storm, here, has been monitoring your wife's conversations and emails. Quiet Storm: Daddy, I've got transcripts of all the conversations today. No mention of Usher. I'm hacking into her email now, but this computer is running a bit slow. Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up... A Pimp Named Slickback: [Slaps Quiet Storm with a magazine] Bitch, don't start with that "we need another computer" shit again! You say that shit every time a new iMac comes out. You ain't Slick, you better make that G4 work, bitch, and stop playin' with me! Quiet Storm: Yes, daddy.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - ...Or Die Trying Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [to Riley] Make sure you pee before we leave. I ain't going to miss my movie going to the bathroom with you. I'mma let you go in there by yourself and get molested by a nasty white man. [to Huey] What's wrong with you? Huey Freeman: I don’t wanna go to the movies. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Why not? Huey Freeman: I don't ever wanna go to the movies with you again. Not after what happened last time. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What happened last time? Huey Freeman: We got arrested... and shot at. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Haa racism. Jazmine Dubois: Daddy said I can go the movies, but he said I'm not allowed to see soul plane. Huey Freeman: Good, you don't wanna go to the movies with him. He's crazy. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush! You can't see soul plane? Why, lil baby? Jazmine Dubois: Because of the types of stereos or something. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Types of stereos? Oh, no no no, lil baby doll. This is a good theater. They have THX. [hums] Huey Freeman: She means stereotypes. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Stereotypes? In soul plane? That's nonsense. Say how about we tell your daddy we saw something else. Hm? Jazmine Dubois: [gasps] You mean, lie? Huey Freeman: That really doesn't seem to be a good idea. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush boy. You know, it's okay to break the rules every once and a while. I won't tell if you won't. Jazmine Dubois: Okay. [laughs] Huey Freeman: [narrating] Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hey Riley, don't forget the camcorder. [outside] Now the first soul plane was funny. Huey Freeman: About as funny as a lynching. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush boy, you ain't even see it. Huey Freeman: I never seen a lynching either, but I know they're not funny. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: See! Shows what you know. I've seen funny lynchings.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - ...Or Die Trying Uncle Ruckus: You mean we gon' let this African hooligan nigga go unpunished? Jazmine Dubois: You have problems Mr. Freeman and you need help. Huey Freeman: Thanks for coming back, eventually. Riley Freeman: Yo, you need to stop snitching, granddad. [gets smacked by granddad] Hey! Won't you call Social Services and turn yourself in for child abuse? [gets smacked again by granddad]
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - ...Or Die Trying Jazmine Dubois: [as they leave for the movie] This is gonna be so much fun! Huey Freeman: This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchucks.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Ronald Reagan: White Heaven is for decent, good, God-fearing Christians who just happen to, well, hate everyone and everything relating to black people. That means no Muhammad Ali, no hip-hop music and no fucking Jesse Jackson. Uncle Ruckus: What about Whoopi Goldberg? Ronald Reagan: Nope. Uncle Ruckus: Ohhh! This is Heaven!
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Uncle Ruckus: God bless you, Robert. How are you this fine morning? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: You're not a Jehavoh's Witness now, are you? 'Cause I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. Uncle Ruckus: Hahahahaha. Robert, I'm dying. That's right. Went to the doctor this morning. I only got six months to live. Tumor on the back. They call it Biggus Backus Tumoritis or some other big word that my tiny Negro brain and big lips can't pronounce.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Jazmine Dubois: Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God. Riley Freeman: First of all, I'ma live forever! But if I do die, I'm gon' smack God upside the head and gon' tell him to get me a grilled-cheese sandwich and some tacos! Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] When I want something or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed? Riley Freeman: And I dare God to say somethin'! I'll be like 'Say somethin', God! Say somethin'! Yeah, I thought so!' Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] You should pray for Shabazz. God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to him. He's God! Riley Freeman: And if God say somethin' I'll be like this: [punches the air] Take that, God! I'll be beatin' God's jaw like: Pla-kow! Blaow!
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Huey Freeman: Operation Black Steel, the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Milton-Berle, was aborted... because I couldn't get a ride.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Huey Freeman: [with tears in his eyes] I never prayed before. I don't even know who I'm praying to. Maybe I'm too young to know what the world is suppose to be... but it is not suppose to be this. It can't be this. So please...
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Huey Freeman: Maybe there are forces in this universe we don't understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Passion of Ruckus Huey Freeman: What makes your god any less made up than his?
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Block Is Hot Jazmine Dubois: Oh, you think ponies grow on trees? Huey Freeman: What kind of question is that? It's a large 4-legged mammal. Jazmine Dubois: Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I going to look, Huey, a 65 year-old woman riding a pony?
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Block Is Hot Ed Wuncler: I admire entrepreneurship in young people. Huey Freeman: You mean like them 12-year-old girls that work in your sweatshops in Indonesia? Ed Wuncler: That's right, every morning I wake up and put one foot on the ground and the other up the ass of a 12 year-old Indonesian girl.
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Block Is Hot Jazmine Dubois: My own pony! I'm gonna name him Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony.
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Block Is Hot Ed Wuncler: How old are you? Jazmine Dubois: T-T-T-Ten Ed Wuncler: T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your E's backwards, dammit!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - Wingmen Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Huey, say something deep. Huey Freeman: Huh? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I ain't got all day, boy. Be deep. Huey Freeman: [sighs] "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran Dewey: Didn't rhyme.

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