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 | Season 3 / Episode 9: - A Date With the Booty Warrior Kid: Are you gonna rape us? 1st Prisoner: Do we look like priests? We ain't gonna hurt no kids. |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - A Date With the Booty Warrior 1st Prisoner: You know about that? Huey Freeman: Yes. 1st Prisoner: Oh, you know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that! Huey Freeman: The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests. It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems. It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy George Pissedofferson: Well, well, well. We came a long way to kill you little nigglets. Now it's time for the BIG BONANZAAAA! Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: [takes a fighting stance] You know that this is, suckas! Riley Freeman: [Huey and Riley just stare. Riley starts laughing] Yo! You see these two old ass niggas? [Huey still glares at them and then grabs Riley] Riley Freeman: Come on! Riley Freeman: Yo! Why we runnin'? [Pissedofferson and Gripenasty athletically leap several feet in the air over the brothers] Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: Yeah, motherfucker! [while airborne. Both then land conveniently in front of the Freeman boys] Riley Freeman: Damn! Them ol' niggas can jump! [the two charge Huey and Riley, who split up, and a fight ensues] |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: [beating the life out of Riley] Fuck yo' ass up like you stole somethin'! Who you think you fuckin' with, huh? HUH! |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: [Pissedofferson and Gripenasty have the boys down for the count but the school bell rings the school to end and a group of children come of the building to play] Damn bell done rang! Come on, let's go! [Both athletically jump away and disappear] |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Uncle Ruckus: [Sees a black car pull up at the service station and comes out to greet three African-American senior citizens] Oh, hell naw! What y'all want, niggas? Hurry up! I ain't got all day! Lord Rufus Crabmiser: We're lookin' for a place called Woodcrest. Is this it? Uncle Ruckus: Maybe. Look, you want gas or not? Lord Rufus Crabmiser: We're lookin' for a man. Uncle Ruckus: Oh, yeah I bet you are. You're lookin' for the number man or the weed man or the Welfare man... Lord Rufus Crabmiser: Naw, the man I'm lookin' for is named Freeman. Robert Freeman. Uncle Ruckus: Oh, hell no! I knew it! You related to Robert Freeman? Lord Rufus Crabmiser: [All three look at each other] So, you know him? Uncle Ruckus: Yeah, I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more coloreds. We got our colored quota filled. So y'all can just get to steppin' and get in that piece 'o shit car, turn it around and head it back up the road, Crusty the Coon! Lord Rufus Crabmiser: Why don't you tell me where Robert is? [Slams brass knuckles against the palm of his hand] Before I put five across yo' lip, ya big black dummy? Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: Yeah! Start talkin' you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool! George Pissedofferson: Hey, we ain't got all night, buffalo butt! Uncle Ruckus: I ain't scared of y'all decrepit Negroes! COME ONE! [Crabmiser advances towards and takes a swing] Aah! [Camera pans away to sounds of fists punching] |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Uncle Ruckus: Oh, there was three of them. Two black nigga men and one black nigga woman. Oh, they each had big black lips, big black nostrils and a big black attitude problem. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: Just how far away is their classroom? The moon? |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Huey Freeman: You killed a man in defense of your ego. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Tough titty for him! He's dead and I'm goin' fishin'! |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy Uncle Ruckus: [Sees a black car pull up at the service station and comes out to greet three African-American senior citizens] Oh, hell naw! What y'all want, niggas? Hurry up! I ain't got all day! Lord Rufus Crabmiser: We're lookin' for a place called Woodcrest. Is this it? Uncle Ruckus: Maybe. Look, you want gas or not? Lord Rufus Crabmiser: We're lookin' for a man. Uncle Ruckus: Oh, yeah I bet you are. You're lookin' for the number man or the weed man or the Welfare man... Lord Rufus Crabmiser: Naw, the man I'm lookin' for is named Freeman. Robert Freeman. Uncle Ruckus: Oh, hell no! I knew it! You related to Robert Freeman? Lord Rufus Crabmiser: [All three look at each other] So, you know him? Uncle Ruckus: Yeah, I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more coloreds. We got our colored quota filled. So y'all can just get to steppin' and get in that piece 'o shit car, turn it around and head it back up the road, Crusty the Coon! Lord Rufus Crabmiser: Why don't you just tell me where Robert is - [Slams brass knuckles against the palm of his hand] - before I put five across yo' lip, ya big black dummy? Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: Yeah! Start talkin' you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool! George Pissedofferson: Hey, we ain't got all night, buffalo butt! Uncle Ruckus: I ain't scared of y'all decrepit Negroes! COME ONE! [Crabmiser advances towards and takes a swing] Aah! [Camera pans away to sounds of fists punching] |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Werner Herzog: Are you supporting Barack Obama? Thugnificent: For what? Werner Herzog: For president? Thugnificent: President of what? Werner Herzog: You don't know there is a black man running for president named Barack Obama? Thugnificent: His name is Barack? For real? Werner Herzog: Barack Obama. Yes. Thugnificent: Get the fuck outta here. Barack? Werner Herzog: Yes, Barack. Thugnificent: Where's he from, Africa? Werner Herzog: His dad was African, yes. Thugnificent: You can't be serious man. There ain't no nigga running for president named Barack Obama. Hahahaha! No way man, no fuckin' way. I don't believe you! Stop fuckin' with me! |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Werner Herzog: So then, now that it looks like Obama is going to win, as a black African negro, are you merely excited, or are you extremely excited that everything is going to change forever? Huey Freeman: Ehh. Werner Herzog: I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Werner Herzog: So, if the election is fake, what is really going on? Huey Freeman: The end of America. Werner Herzog: I felt despair so terrible that I briefly consider slitting my own wrists, or bludgeoning myself about the head with a steel pipe or baseball bat. But I brought no blade, no pipe, no bat. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Werner Herzog: Towards the end of the 2008 campaign, the Republican party, terrified at their own sinking poll numbers, attempted to link Barack Obama to radical leftist figures to make him appear un-American. First was the controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Jeremiah Wright: I say motherfuck America, motherfuck America's mother, motherfuck America's daddy, America can eat a dick, America can lick the balls! |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 President Barack Obama: Look, I have many, many friends on Myspace. I pretty much add anybody. I don't know who this Huey Freeman is, but he doesn't stand for what I stand for. And... I denounce, I repudiate, and condemn him. Basically... fuck him. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Uncle Ruckus: Due to the conditions of my parole, I am unable to leave the country at this time. I am forced to remain here, and express my extreme displeasure, while in no way threatening the life of the president and his beautiful monkey family. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Season 3, Episode 1 Werner Herzog: What is wrong with letting people be happy? Can too much hope possibly be a bad thing? Huey Freeman: Hope... is irrational. Werner Herzog: [narrating] In Bavaria we have a saying: "Der Junge ist ja total bedient." It means "This is the most depressing fucking kid I've ever met in my life". |
 | Season 2 / Episode 12: - Story Of Catcher Freeman Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: It was love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, his trapezius muscles rippled through his shirt. Riley Freeman: Alright, Granddad, damn, you're making me uncomfortable. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Catcher Freeman was a sexy man! |
| Season 2 / Episode 12: - Story Of Catcher Freeman Huey Freeman: [checking the internet to find the truth about Catcher Freeman] Excuse me, everyone. I think we can resolve this quickly. Catcher Tobias Lynchwater, better known as Catcher Freeman, was a house slave on Colonel Lynchwater's plantation. He was also Colonel Lynchwater's son, although the Colonel never claimed him. Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Wait, what? Master's son? Uh uh. No, no, no, that can't be! Huey Freeman: He is believed to have written the first screenplay in secret, several years before the invention of the motion picture industry. Uncle Ruckus: What website is that? MadeUpMonkeyShit.com? |
 | Season 2 / Episode 8: - Ballin' Uncle Ruckus: [Explaining to Riley how to behave when Cindy McPhearson gets in the basketball game] Lookin' at the white girl, that's a foul. Speakin' to the white girl, that's a technical foul. Touchin' the white girl... oh-ho-ho-ho-ho... that's a lynchin'! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - Shinin' Thugnificent: Hey, don't sweat it, homey. 'Cause when it's time to show the world how the broke niggas live, maybe MTV will come to your house, and it'll be your turn to shine. But until then - tell your moms to get off my dick, nigga! And get the hell up outta here, bitches! |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - Shinin' Riley Freeman: I can't wait for people to start hating, I can't wait! Huey Freeman: So you judge your success by the amount of ill will you generate from those around you. Riley Freeman: Hey, if people aren't mad at you, you're doing something wrong. Huey Freeman: By that definition then, you have a very bright future. Riley Freeman: Thanks man. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch Luna: Any noise, and I will butt-rape your grandfather with this broomstick! Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boys! Don't make any noise! |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [watching his blind date messily eat] Do you know what?, I've had it this sucks! Ugly Woman: What's wrong with you? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: You know what's wrong with me!, when was this picture taken 1964? [Indicating the picture she gave him of a younger more attractive woman] Ugly Woman: You saying I don't look like my picture? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I'm saying you probably never looked like this damn picture, this ain't you! Ugly Woman: So is all that you care about is looks? Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: YES! Ugly Woman: Well excuse me for thinking you liked me for who I was on the inside! Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Well you're a liar on the inside, this whole relationship is based on a lie, an UGLY lie!, why the hell does this keep happening to me God what did I do to deserve this?, this is payback for what?, what did I do to you?, tell me? Ugly Woman: Nigger you ain't no Denzel, hell you ain't even no Flava Flav! Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Time after time after time, there ought to be a law, lock em up, charge em with fraud, I'd be snitchin' on ugly women all day, I should give em the chair, electrify their ugly asses, dry pool that switch quick! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Story of Thugnificent Riley Freeman: [watching Thugnificent's arrival in the neighborhood] Man, I wanna go over there, but I don't wanna dick-ride, you know. Would that be dick-riding, you think? To go over there?... Alright, what if I just go over there and give him a pounding, and be like, 'What up, Thugnificent,' like not really on his sack or nothin'. Yeah. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Huey Freeman: This isn't an exorcism - it's a beating. Uncle Ruckus: Sometimes there is very little difference. |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Uncle Ruckus: We will use the tools that God gave us to fight the nigger: The whip, the noose, the nightstick, the branding iron. These things strike fear into the heart of the nigger. The job application. |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Tom Dubois: [Somebody takes Tom's parking space] Oh come on! You nig... compoop! You Can't do that! Hey! Huey Freeman: [narrating] A Nigga moment can happen to any Black man at any time Tom Dubois: Hey! That was my space! I had my Blinker on and everything! Man in Parking lot: Fuck you, Punk-ass, Pussy-ass, Bitch-ass Nigga! I'll get your motherfuckin' seditty ass, Nigga! Don't ever in your life try to holla at me! Fuck with me, Nigga I'll pop a trunk on your bitch ass, Nigga. Get my motherfuckin' Uzi... Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Begins to Possess Tom] What did you, say NIGGA? Man in Parking lot: You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick! Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Look at you! You was poppin' all that good shit a second ago then you got kicked in yo' chest! You eat a dick, nigga! *You* eat a dick! Tom Dubois: [returns to normal in realization of what he's done] Oh, my god! Sir, are you okay? Who did this to you? What did he look like? Tom Dubois: Did anyone see who accosted this man? |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Possessing Tom] Oh yeah! I think I wanna have *sexual relations*! Sarah Dubois: Tom, what's gotten into you? Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: The same thing that's about to get into *you*! Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Oh yeah! I'mma make it do what it do! |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Stinkmeaner Strikes Back Defense attorney: So Mrs. Wong, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Tescanally, not beating him senseless with a nine iron, stealing his wallet and driving his car into the hosiery section of a JC Penny? Mrs. Wong: Correct. Defense attorney: I have no further questions. Tom Dubois: Now, Mrs. Wong, let me ask you a question... Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: WHAT'S GOOD, NIGGA? Tom Dubois: [the courtroom gasps. Tom covers his mouth] Ahh! Oh my god. Judge: Excuse me, Mr. Dubois? Tom Dubois: Hahaha, well I said, um... Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: WHAT'S REALLY GOOD? Judge: Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court, Mr. Dubois? Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Morphs again] FUCK YOUR COURT NIGGA! Judge: Mr. Dubois! Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Jumping up and down on a table] FUCK... YOUR... COURT, NIGGA! FUCK YOUR COURT! Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Running out the door] Lady Liberty's got balls! |
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