Rajnesh Koothrappali

The Big Bang Theory

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Kunal Nayyar

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Rajnesh Koothrappali Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Lizard-Spock Expansion Rajnesh Koothrappali: [Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game] I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors? Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Rajnesh Koothrappali: What? Sheldon Cooper: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Lizard-Spock Expansion Howard Wolowitz: There must be another way. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Well, you could call Triple-A, but according to NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years. Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I understand that you have to be next to your vehicle with your card when they come. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Oh, snap! Sheldon Cooper: Snap what?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Lizard-Spock Expansion Rajnesh Koothrappali: So, who gets the extra dumpling? Rajnesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock! Rajnesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: [They all draw Spock] Ahh! Sheldon Cooper: Okay, one of us has to stop putting up Spock. Howard Wolowitz: How do we decide? Rajnesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock! Rajnesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Gablehauser: [all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in] Hello, boys. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Dr. Gablehauser Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Gablehauser Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Gablehauser Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper Howard Wolowitz: Dr. Gablehauser Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Rajnesh Koothrappali: [after Leonard, Sheldon and Howard leave in disgust, Raj turns to a man at another table] Hey, buddy, I'm going to be in People magazine. Charlie Sheen: [Turning around so that Raj, and we, can see who he is] Call me when you're on the cover.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Rajnesh Koothrappali: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper Belt? Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah: 2008NQsub17. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Or, as I call it, "Planet Bollywood".
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Gablehauser: Have you been to the President's dining hall? Rajnesh Koothrappali: I didn't know there was one. Gablehauser: It has the same food as the cafeteria, only fresher.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Howard Wolowitz: I wouldn't suppose People would recognize me for designing the telescope mounting bracket that helped your discovery? Rajnesh Koothrappali: No, there was no room on my biography, about how a poor boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and racism to make it in America. Howard Wolowitz: Poor? your father is a rich gynecologist. He drives a Bentley! Rajnesh Koothrappali: It was a loaner.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Griffin Equivalency Howard Wolowitz: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used? Rajnesh Koothrappali: Sorry; it's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars. Howard Wolowitz: Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley. Rajnesh Koothrappali: It's a lease!
	Season 1 / Episode 17: - The Tangerine Factor Rajnesh Koothrappali: Look, I found an iPod. Leonard Hofstadter: It's broken beyond repair. What are you going to do with it? Rajnesh Koothrappali: What else? Sell it on eBay as slightly used.
	Season 1 / Episode 17: - The Tangerine Factor Penny: Thank you so much for your stupid advice! Rajnesh Koothrappali: Incredible. You've managed to screw up the screw-up.
	Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Peanut Reaction Sheldon Cooper: We might as well stop. It's a stalemate. You're beating me in "Tetris," but you have the upper strength of a Keebler elf. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Keebler elf? I've got your Keebler elf right here! Rajnesh Koothrappali: [grunts; tries to pull harder, with both hands, but Sheldon doesn't budge] Okay, it's a stalemate.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy Rajnesh Koothrappali: Everyone knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in your latte? Sheldon Cooper: That is true, but consider the fact that you require medication to even talk to someone of the opposite sex.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy Rajnesh Koothrappali: Do you know the Kama Sutra? Missy: The sex book? Rajnesh Koothrappali: The Indian sex book. If you've ever wondered, wondered who wrote the book of love, it was us.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Pork Chop Indeterminacy Leonard Hofstadter: Some scientists say that if the supercollider were activated, it would create a black hole that would end all life on earth as we know it. Rajnesh Koothrappali: What a bunch of cry babies. No guts, no glory, I say.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Bat Jar Conjecture Rajnesh Koothrappali: We should laugh derisively at him whenever he walks by. Something that says "You may be smart and capable, but we are as smart and capable as you." Leonard: And how exactly would that go? Rajnesh Koothrappali: [in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he! Howard Wolowitz: That sounds more like "We're a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatian puppies."
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Bat Jar Conjecture Rajnesh Koothrappali: Holy crap! Leonard: What is that? Howard Wolowitz: It looks like something they found on the spaceship at Roswell.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Bat Jar Conjecture Howard Wolowitz: Oh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth. Rajnesh Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception. Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... it's an extremely private matter. Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His Mother was human, his Father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'. Howard Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's Dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Bat Jar Conjecture Rajnesh Koothrappali: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Bat Jar Conjecture Sheldon: [discussing their team name for the Physics Bowl] Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Then we could be the "Bengal Tigers". Sheldon: Poor choice. Yes, gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the Army Ant. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Jerusalem Duality Leonard Hofstadter: The kid found a girl. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Unbelievable. Howard Wolowitz: Anybody saw how he did it?
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Jerusalem Duality Rajnesh Koothrappali: We can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Jerusalem Duality Rajnesh Koothrappali: In India, this would be simpler. 5 minutes with her dad, 20 goats and a laptop, and we'd be done.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Jerusalem Duality Rajnesh Koothrappali: Do you know what he did? He watched me work for 10 minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me. Leonard Hofstadter: Is that even possible? Rajnesh Koothrappali: As it turns out, yes.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Jerusalem Duality Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so we now have a socially-awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women. Howard Wolowitz: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone else see the flaw in this plan? Rajnesh Koothrappali: We need a social catalyst. Leonard Hofstadter: Like what? We can't get 15-year-old girls drunk. Howard Wolowitz: Or can we...? Leonard Hofstadter: No, we can't!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization Sheldon Cooper: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted. Rajnesh Koothrappali: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped. Howard Wolowitz: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother. Sheldon Cooper: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Grasshopper Experiment Rajnesh Koothrappali: [Raj walks in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment holding his laptop open, with his parents on the screen via a webcam] Leonard, may I present, live from New Delhi, Doctor and Mrs Vyan Koothrappali. Leonard: [waves cheerfully] Hi! Dr. Koothrappali: Lift up the camera! I'm looking at his crotch!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Grasshopper Experiment Rajnesh Koothrappali: Ever since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist, like him. How can I be a gynecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Grasshopper Experiment Rajnesh Koothrappali: [to Sheldon] If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath! Leonard: I'm not hitting on her! Lalita: And I am not your lady! Wolowitz: And you have no wrath.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - The Dumpling Paradox Leonard: The only way we can play teams is if we cut Raj in half. Rajnesh Koothrappali: Oh, sure. Cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from.

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