Howard Wolowitz

The Big Bang Theory

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Simon Helberg

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Howard Wolowitz Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Cornhusker Vortex Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows Football? Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently. Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch sure, but Football? Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro Football, college Football, High School Football, Pee-wee Football; In fact, every form of Football except the original: European Football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot. Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable. Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken. Leonard Hofstadter: So, you could teach me? Sheldon Cooper: Football, or chicken fried meats? Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Howard Wolowitz: Just imagine, an entire summer without Sheldon. Rajesh Koothrappali: We could go outside. Howard Wolowitz: We could sit on the right side of the couch. Leonard Hofstadter: I could use the bathroom at 8:20. Rajesh Koothrappali: Our dreams are small, aren't they?
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Sheldon Cooper: Did Han Solo give up when Luke was half frozen in the planet Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and kept him warm inside its body. Howard Wolowitz: You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open.
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Leonard Hofstadter: [At the North Pole] Darn it! Howard Wolowitz: What? Leonard Hofstadter: We're out of ice.
	Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Monopolar Expedition Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot. Howard Wolowitz: [to Rajesh] There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Leonard Hofstadter: As we speak, the space shuttle is docking into the International Space Station to deliver the Wolowitz Zeor-Gravity Waste Distribution System. Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. It's just a space toilet. Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will be able to go where no man has gone before. Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny? Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. It combines a Star Trek reference with an alternate meaning of the phrase "to go". Howard Wolowitz: Laugh if you must, but I am the only one here making an actual contribution to the world. Rajesh Koothrappali: You're right. It's a very important scientific contribution for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two. Sheldon Cooper: Ah, the use of cardinal numbers as reference to bodily functions. Very funny.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting, Penny's new suitor asking her former suitor for advice. Leonard Hofstadter: I don't need you to close caption my pain. Howard Wolowitz: You want to make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship? Leonard Hofstadter: I'm listening. Howard Wolowitz: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - The Classified Materials Turbulence Howard Wolowitz: If we don't fix this, the waste will reach the turbine engines. Rajesh Koothrappali: So it's going to hit the fan? Sheldon Cooper: I thought toilet humor would get less funny over time, but I guess there's no law of diminishing returns on space poop.
	Season 2 / Episode 21: - The Vegas Renormalization Howard Wolowitz: Are you from the Star Wars universe? Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Howard Wolowitz: Are you from the original trilogy? Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Howard Wolowitz: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini? Leonard Hofstadter: God, I hope not. And no, it's not Princess Leia. Rajesh Koothrappali: My turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies? Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Rajesh Koothrappali: Are you an android? Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. Rajesh Koothrappali: Do you look like a shiny Sheldon? Leonard Hofstadter: Yes! Rajesh Koothrappali: You're C-3PO! Leonard Hofstadter: Correct! Sheldon Cooper: [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] I do not look like C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it.
	Season 2 / Episode 21: - The Vegas Renormalization Rajesh Koothrappali: What do you say, Howard? Howard Wolowitz: I say, Vegas, baby! Rajesh Koothrappali: What are you gonna tell your mother? Howard Wolowitz: Sea World, baby!
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Hofstadter Isotope Howard Wolowitz: Let it go, Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper: Why should I let it go, I saw it first? Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but I saw it from the front. Sheldon Cooper: A far less impressive feat.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Hofstadter Isotope Howard Wolowitz: [sitting in the bar] I'm not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella. Rajesh Koothrappali: Fine. I'll have a Chocolate martini. Howard Wolowitz: Wrong, again. Rajesh Koothrappali: Come on, you know I can't talk to women unless I'm lit up like the Hindu festival of Dwali. Howard Wolowitz: Look, there are plenty of bars in LA where you can order grasshopper and chocolate martinis but you wouldn't have to because there are no women in them. Rajesh Koothrappali: Gotcha. I'll have a Brandy Alexander.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - The Hofstadter Isotope Howard Wolowitz: [introducing Leonard to a bar] First we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak, the old and the lame.
	Season 2 / Episode 19: - The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition Howard Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly rawishing today. Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard. Howard Wolowitz: So there is a number.
	Season 2 / Episode 18: - The Work Song Nanocluster Penny: [about the website Leonard designed for Penny's business] It seems a little juvenile. It looks like the MySpace page of a thirteen year-old girl. Leonard Hofstadter: No it doesn't! Howard Wolowitz: Dateline could use it to attract predators.
	Season 2 / Episode 18: - The Work Song Nanocluster Howard Wolowitz: Hey! You know what would be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play LASER obstacle strip chess. Leonard Hofstadter: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that you don't want to see naked. Howard Wolowitz: You underestimate me.
	Season 2 / Episode 18: - The Work Song Nanocluster Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps we could expand our market. Penny: How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men? Howard Wolowitz: We add Bluetooth! Sheldon Cooper: Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth! Penny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth? Sheldon Cooper: Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.
	Season 2 / Episode 18: - The Work Song Nanocluster Sheldon Cooper: Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump. Penny: Yeah, it's a bitch! Howard Wolowitz: [Inspecting bottle of glitter] Ah, I've seen this before. Penny: Where? Howard Wolowitz: It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Terminator Decoupling Howard Wolowitz: Do you believe him? Normally around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he's M. Night Charmalarmalan.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Terminator Decoupling Howard Wolowitz: It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Terminator Decoupling Sheldon Cooper: I'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle. Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works. Sheldon Cooper: All right. Howard Wolowitz: That's Summer Glau. Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Howard Wolowitz: That's it.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Terminator Decoupling Howard Wolowitz: Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Terminator Decoupling Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I must apologize to you. Taking the train was a great idea. It affords me the chance to score with Summer Glau. Rajesh Koothrappali: Please. Between Terminators, you have a better chance with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Cushion Saturation Leslie Winkle: Where's your team? Howard Wolowitz: They left me in here to die. Yours? Leslie Winkle: All dead. It was a slaughter. Howard Wolowitz: I'm so sorry. Leslie Winkle: Oh, don't be. It was friendly fire. [Blows on her paintgun barrel] They just didn't listen.
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Cushion Saturation Sheldon Cooper: Dereliction of duty during a war is a court-martial offense. Howard Wolowitz: Court martial, schmourt martial! Lesly was the fifth woman I ever had sex with... for free.
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Cushion Saturation Rajesh Koothrappali: [the guys just found out that Howard has been hooking up with Leslie] Plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude! Leonard Hofstadter: The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone. Howard Wolowitz: OK, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful!
	Season 2 / Episode 14: - The Financial Permeability Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we only have one option. Rajesh Koothrappali: Yepp, I don't see any way around it. Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, Sheldon. Howard Wolowitz: See ya. Rajesh Koothrappali: Later, dude. Sheldon Cooper: They're right. It was the only option.
	Season 2 / Episode 14: - The Financial Permeability Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan? Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Koothrappali's gonna wet himself, I will throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - The Killer Robot Instability Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still... [mimes sizzle]... hot. Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop. Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar. Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy. Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying? Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever! Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious. Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - The Killer Robot Instability Penny: Your mother seems like a nice woman. Howard Wolowitz: People move away from her on the bus.

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