The Beverly Hillbillies - Episode Quotes

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The Beverly Hillbillies Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 17: - What Happened to Shorty? Jed Clampett: So, you called Elverna? Shorty Kellems: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me. Shad: What did she say? Shorty Kellems: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was. Jed Clampett: See? Shorty Kellems: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth to back and finally she said to me, "Shorty Kellams" she said, "The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me." Shad: What did you say Shorty? Shorty Kellems: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot! Shorty Kellems: [to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - Ghost of Clampett Castle Daisy Moses: Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - Ghost of Clampett Castle Daisy Moses: [wearing a mini skirt] No 400 year old ghost will mistake me for a grandmother in this.
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - Ghost of Clampett Castle Jane Hathaway: Chief, what exploded? Milburn Drysdale: Granny! Jane Hathaway: She has a gun? Milburn Drysdale: She has a cannon!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - Ghost of Clampett Castle Milburn Drysdale: Granny's hiding in a mini skirt, I'll scare her out of it.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Clampett Cha Cha Cha Daisy Moses: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen. Jed Clampett: [Jed frowns] Who?
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Admiral Jed Clampett Jed Clampett: Not a very sportin' way to *fish*!
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - The Widow Poke Arrives Daisy Moses: How long you been married Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale: Twenty years. Daisy Moses: Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness. Milburn Drysdale: No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.
	Season 1 / Episode 33: - The Clampetts Get Psychoanalyzed Doctor Eugene Twombly: [trying to settle Jed down] You don't understand. I'm a psychiatrist. Jed Clampett: Well, I'd try to get cured of that, if I was you.
	Season 1 / Episode 27: - Granny's Spring Tonic Daisy Moses: She's from one of those fur'n nations. Jed Clampett: Which one? Daisy Moses: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.
	Season 1 / Episode 17: - Jed's Dilemma Jethrine Bodine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight. Cousin Pearl Bodine: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age. Daisy Moses: There ain't nobody twice your age! Cousin Pearl Bodine: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45. [slaps table] Daisy Moses: Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - Home for Christmas Homer Winch: Say, how about going on a little sleigh ride? Daisy Moses: You promise to behave? Homer Winch: Sure I do! Daisy Moses: [disgusted] Well, we might as well stay here and sing.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Getting Settled Jethro Bodine: [from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here! Jed Clampett: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Getting Settled Jane Hathaway: [inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials] Is Jethro an Eaton man? Jed Clampett: Knowin' Jethro, I think he went ta eatin' as soon as he was born.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Clampetts Strike Oil Jed Clampett: [remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Clampetts Strike Oil Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California. Jethro: Don't look at me, I didn't take it!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Clampetts Strike Oil Jed Clampett: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move? Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!? Jed Clampett: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.
	Unknown Episode: Milburn Drysdale: When I give my word, I expect you to keep it.
	Unknown Episode: Jane Hathaway: When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business. Milburn Drysdale: Every kid had a lemonade stand. Jane Hathaway: He opened a pawn shop!
	Unknown Episode: Jed Clampett: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess. Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire! Jed Clampett: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.
	Unknown Episode: Granny: Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again. Jed Clampett: Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back. Granny: It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons.
	Unknown Episode: Jed Clampett: Well doggies!
	Unknown Episode: Granny: Vittles!
	Unknown Episode: Jane Hathaway: Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit. Milburn Drysdale: What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!
	Unknown Episode: Jane Hathaway: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts! Milburn Drysdale: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.
	Unknown Episode: Milburn Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge? Jane Hathaway: No, why do you ask? Milburn Drysdale: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!
	Unknown Episode: Jane Hathaway: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year. Milburn Drysdale: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off. Jane Hathaway: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus. Milburn Drysdale: I've already thought of that. Jane Hathaway: You have? Milburn Drysdale: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.' Jane Hathaway: But, Chief, that's extraordinary! Milburn Drysdale: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.
	Unknown Episode: Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was! [Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story] I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie! Jed Clampett: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.
	Unknown Episode: Jed Clampett: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull. Granny: What? Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue. Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it! Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull. Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt? Jed Clampett: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself. Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it! Jed Clampett: This way, he can do both!
	Unknown Episode: Granny: And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?