The Bernie Mac Show Quotes

The Bernie Mac Show

- Episode Quotes

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The Bernie Mac Show Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Prison Break Mablean Ephriam: You don't have any evidence against that girl. Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Judge, I have my gut and that's all I need. Mablean Ephriam: Your gut doesn't stand up in a court of law. Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: My gut's above the law.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Prison Break Wanda McCullough: [to Jordan and Bryana] Listen up, the two of you. Now you may think your Uncle Bernie punished you bad, but that's cupcakes compared to what I'm gonna do.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Prison Break Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [as he looks around in Jordan's room] Alright, Jordan. Where is it? Jordan Thomkins: I don't know what you're talking about. Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [gasps] You goin' to the hole, Jordan! Jordan Thomkins: What's the hole? Jordan Thomkins: [sobbing] Why? Why me?
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Night of Terror Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: Not uh. You're not watching this movie. Its rated R. Its got cussing and stuff in it.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Night of Terror Jordan Thomkins: But Uncle Bernie, you promised when I turned 13 I could stay up an extra hour. Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: He's right, America. I did promise him that. The only problem was that I didn't think he'd still be here when he turned 13.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Night of Terror Vanessa 'Nessa' Thomkins: You know, Jordan. This isn't exactly healthy.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Night of Terror Night of Terror Movie Box: [glowing all horror like] Watch me Jordan! Watch me!
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The King and I Jordan Thomkins: [grimacing holding a spoonful of wet hot cereal] Do I have to eat this? Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Yes!! Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins: [shakes her head] Jordan Thomkins: Good bye. [leaves] Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Hey!
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The King and I Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: But I don't want to take a bath. Bernie "Mac" McCullough: No bath! No movie! Now the choice is yours. Vanessa "Nessa" Thomkins: [nods] Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: Okay.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The King and I Bryana "Baby Girl" Thomkins: [puts socks on chest] Look I have boobs. Girls: Aw. Jordan Thomkins: Oh, that's nothing. [stands on bed] Look what I got. [takes down pants and underwear] Bernie "Mac" McCullough: [returns with Vanessa and sees Jordan still standing nude] Jordan, I told you to keep that in the barn.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Here To Stay Bernie "Mac" McCullough: Stop eating my Famous Amos!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Now You Got It Sneezing Boy: Ah-choo!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Bernie 'Mac' McCullough: [smoking a cigar] Damn! That's a good Cuban cigar.
	Unknown Episode: Wanda: Until you treat those kids like they're wanted, below this line [draws line on her waist] off limits. Bernie Mac: But that's Bernie Mac's Puffs! Takin' away below the belt. Now THAT'S below the belt. It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not having it. You can't blackmail this black male. Bernie Mac strong.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: I'm gonna kill one of them kids.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: [crying] I thought those kids were just spoiled, but all this time they just wanted to go back to the projects. Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Hi-dee, hi-dee boo boo, stick your head in doo-doo.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Oh, Lord!
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Oh, Lord!
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: America...
	Unknown Episode: Jordan: Uncle Bernie, pull my finger.
	Unknown Episode: Bryana: Uncle Bernie, I have a BM, and I gotta throw up!
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: This is blaxploitation, America. Blaxploitation.
	Unknown Episode: Jordan: Save his soul and his liver! Bryana: Uncle Bernie has to give me soy cheese because regular cheese gives me diarrhea.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: Okay, I'll take them to Splash Canyon, but if they give me one excuse, just one excuse, to turn around I'll take it. Anything. Sneeze. Little one wheezes. Glasses fall. Anything! Big one cop an attitude. Anything! We turn right around and I sit here with my air conditioning guilt-free. Quickness. Woosh! "I thought we were going somewhere". "Psych". [Chuckles]
	Unknown Episode: Bernie Mac: [after finding out Jordan bought a telescope with money Bernie gave him for medicine] You little sneak. You think this is funny? You in big troubles with me, young man. I mean big trouble. Vanessa: You can't punish him. Bernie Mac: Watch and see if I don't! Vanessa: You just mad 'cause he played you. Bernie Mac: He didn't play me, he stole from me. The boy stole. It's called the way it is.

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