The Andy Griffith Show Quotes

The Andy Griffith Show

- Episode Quotes

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The Andy Griffith Show Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Goober Goes to an Auto Show Goober Pyle: Hey, Andy Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good. Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it. Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper. Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it. Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out. Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday. Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car. Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg. Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape. Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in. Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it. Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind? Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Malcolm at the Crossroads Ernest T. Bass: Right or wrong I'm here to fight. Unless you run away with fright. And if you wonder who I be, it's me it's me, it's Ernest T. Whoo hoo.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Malcolm at the Crossroads Ernest T. Bass: [yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday? Floyd Lawson: Uh Friday. Ernest T. Bass: Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Malcolm at the Crossroads Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock... Ernest T. Bass: I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock. [Sheriff Taylor walks away] . Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!
	Season 5 / Episode 29: - The Luck of Newton Monroe Newton Munroe: Sheriff, you gave me the confidence I needed! I found out I'm not inept! I'm ept!
	Season 4 / Episode 30: - Barney and Thelma Lou, Phfftt Gomer Pyle: [Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster. Gomer Pyle: He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!
	Season 4 / Episode 29: - The Rumor Deputy Barney Fife: [Barney trying to keep Andy from going home to dress for dinner] Well, it's a whim. Are you going to question a whim? You question a whim and you take the fun right out of it! Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, would it kill the whim if I just take a shower and put on some clean socks and underwear? Deputy Barney Fife: Sure it will! It's not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear! Sheriff Andy Taylor: I don't understand it. But I guess a fellow shouldn't question when he's getting a free supper. Deputy Barney Fife: That's right! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?
	Season 4 / Episode 25: - Divorce, Mountain Style Charlene Darling: [Telling Andy why she is divorcing Dud] Last Sunday, I caught him makin' eyes at Idell Bushey durin' preachin'. And I know what they do up there in the hills when they say they're possum huntin'. They're just sittin' around the campfire, drinkin' hard cider, hittin' each other on the shoulder and hollerin' 'flinch!'.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - Bargain Day Sheriff Andy Taylor: Call the man!
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Barney's Sidecar A Townsman: [Talking about the sidecar] Sheriff, if you fill it up with water you can take a bath on the way.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Barney's Sidecar Barney Fife: [Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in. Andy Taylor: How are you Baron Von Richthofen?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Barney's Sidecar Barney Fife: If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, its impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter 's'. Andy Taylor: You didn't let anyone see you riding with your mouth open?
	Season 3 / Episode 28: - The Rivals Opie Taylor: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?
	Season 3 / Episode 25: - The Darlings Are Coming Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17. John Masters: Dipping a hat in a horse trough? Andy Taylor: Yeah.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Man in a Hurry Wally: [asking about Mr. Tucker's car] Did it sound something like this? First it ran smooth, then it kind of... ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Then it ran smooth again, then another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Malcolm Tucker: Yes. Wally: Then a whzzzz-cha-chk-pkpft. Then she dies? Malcolm Tucker: Yes... that's it! Wally: Uh-huh, uh-huh. You've got yourself a clogged fuel line... Sheriff Andy Taylor: How'd you know that? Wally: From the sound.
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Man in a Hurry Opie Taylor: [as Mr. Tucker is leaving] Hey Mr. Tucker, you aren't gonna leave, are you? Malcolm Tucker: I have to, son. Opie Taylor: Aw, rats! If you were staying, I was going to get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs. Malcolm Tucker: Sounds terrible! Opie Taylor: No it ain't - that's adventure sleeping!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lawman Barney Deputy Barney Fife: [after the two farmers crowd him when he asks them to move their vegetable stand outside of the town limits] You're both a lot bigger than I am. but this badge represents a lot of people. And they're a lot bigger than either of you. Now are you going to get movin'?
	Season 2 / Episode 28: - The Bookie Barber Sheriff Andy Taylor: You could put a sign in the window saying 'Two Chairs - No Waiting.' Floyd Lawson: Two chairs... and I've got the magazines to swing it!
	Season 2 / Episode 24: - The County Nurse Andy Taylor: [Showing Rafe different medical tools] This is a stethoscope. Know what it does? Rafe Hollister: Naw. Andy Taylor: It lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat? Rafe Hollister: What for... I know my hearts beatin' Andy Taylor: Well I know but... Rafe Hollister: I'm alive ain't I? Andy Taylor: Well yah but... Rafe Hollister: Well then my hearts beatin'! Andy Taylor: Just listen to it. [Puts the stethoscope on Rafe's ears and the mic to his heart] See...? Now listen to mine. [Moves the mic to his own chest] See, ain't that somethin'? Rafe Hollister: All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Manicurist Sheriff Andy Taylor: Nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, real good. I can't remember when I've seen nature spend as much time on one person.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - The Pickle Story Sheriff Andy Taylor: What's small potatoes to some folks can be mighty important to others.
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Aunt Bee's Brief Encounter Barney Fife: [Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse / down in dixie / fighting crime and risking lives / live a sheriff / and his buddy pistol packing Barney Fife. Oh my daring / oh my daring / oh my daring Barney Fife / He's a deadly crime stopper / what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there / came a ridin' / two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky / a deadeye dickie / now they're locked up in the tank... Andy Taylor: ...Oh my Barney / Oh my Barney / had a jail but couldn't lock it / had one bullet for his pistol / had to keep it in his pocket
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - Crime-Free Mayberry Barney Fife: [Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse/down in dixie/fighting crime and risking lives/live a sheriff/ and his buddy pistol packing Barny Fife. Oh my daring/oh my daring/ oh my daring Barney Fife/He's a deadly crime stopper/what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there/came a ridin'/two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky/a deadeye dickie/now they're locked up in the tank.... Andy Taylor: ...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket
	Season 1 / Episode 28: - Andy Forecloses Rummage Sale Customer: Uh, how much is this? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, 'bout three dollars. Rummage Sale Customer: What you suppose it is? Sheriff Andy Taylor: If I knew that it'd cost you five. Rummage Sale Customer: Sounds like a bargain. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Heh, yeah... yeah, one of these is nice to have. Rummage Sale Customer: I always wanted one. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah.
	Season 1 / Episode 18: - Andy, the Marriage Counselor Barney Fife: [Andy & Barney have just been called to calm the Boone's] Now Jenny, you put that cup down! Put it down RIGHT NOW!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Opie's Charity Sheriff Andy Taylor: ...where there's somewhere like 400 needy boys in this county alone, or 1 1/2 boys per square mile. Opie Taylor: There is? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Sho' is. Opie Taylor: I never seen one, Pa. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Never seen one, what? Opie Taylor: A half a boy. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, its not really a half a boy, its a ratio. Opie Taylor: Horatio who? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Not Horatio. A ratio. Its mathematics - arithmetic. Look now Opie, forget that part of it. Forget the part about the half a boy. Opie Taylor: Its pretty hard to forget a thing like that Pa. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, try. Opie Taylor: Poor Horatio. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now look Opie, Horatio is not the only needy boy... Son, uh, didn't you ever give anybody anything just for the pleasure of it. Something you didn't want anything in return for? Opie Taylor: Sure, just yesterday I gave my friend Jimmy something. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now thats fine. What'd you give him? Opie Taylor: A sock in the head. Sheriff Andy Taylor: I meant charity. Opie Taylor: I didn't charge him nothing. Sheriff Andy Taylor: I meant something for the joy of giving. Opie Taylor: I enjoyed it.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Andy the Matchmaker Sheriff Andy Taylor: You can't be serious about resigning. What in the world will you do? Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I don't know... I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Guitar Player Sheriff Andy Taylor: Jim? Jim Lindsey: Huh? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Why in the world don't you do somethin' about yourself? Jim Lindsey: What do you mean, Andy? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, you got a fine talent there. You're the best guitar player I ever heard. Jim Lindsey: Well that's mighty nice of you, Andy... But Mayberry ain't very big. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well now, who says you got to stay in Mayberry? You heard all these fellas that come through here playin' in the shows. How 'bout that fella we see every now and then on television, a'shakin' and a'screamin' - sounds like somebody's beatin' his dog. You're better than all of them. Jim Lindsey: Well now, I wouldn't say that. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well yes you are, too...
	Unknown Episode: Barney Fife: Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.
	Unknown Episode: Barney Fife: The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present. Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em? Barney Fife: A septic tank. Andy Taylor: For their anniversary? Barney Fife: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced. Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn. Barney Fife: I try.

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