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Characters: #3 of 8 (Full List)
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Played by:
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 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - 4AM Miracle Danny Tripp: How's it goin' Tom Jeter: Good Danny Tripp: OH MY GOD! Tom Jeter: 'cept that we beheaded the baby. |
| Season 1 / Episode 16: - 4AM Miracle Tom Jeter: [on learning that Simon slept with the sexual harassment plaintiff] Simon! You've got to go talk to the lawyer. Simon Stiles: I'll lose my job! I'll lose my house! I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator! Tom Jeter: Look... Simon Stiles: My Navigator Tom! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Harriet Dinner, Part II Tom Jeter: We have to stop giving her the Prairie Oyster, turns out we could kill this lunatic girl dead. Jack Rudolph: [pause] Tom, Meet Kim's parents. Tom Jeter: [turns around, sees Zhang and his wife] [long pause] Lunatic girl is an idiom in our language, meaning - Jack Rudolph: Get out. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Harriet Dinner, Part II Tom Jeter: I didn't think you'd be there. That's the truth. You look beautiful tonight. That's also the truth. Now will you go out with me this Saturday night? Lucy Kenwright: No. Tom Jeter: [smiles sadly] All right. Then that's that. Lucy Kenwright: [as Tom goes to walk away] I'll go out with you Sunday night. Tom Jeter: That was nice, you did a little switch. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Harriet Dinner, Part II Lucy Kenwright: Tom? Tom Jeter: Yes ma'am? Lucy Kenwright: A prairie oyster's for a hangover, you drink one when you're drunk, you're just gonna get drunker. Tom Jeter: I have to go right now, but I'm looking forward to Saturday night. Lucy Kenwright: Sunday night. Tom Jeter: Sunday night. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 12: - Monday Matt Albie: Suzanne! Where's the bid? Tom Jeter: You bidding on something? Matt Albie: Just for spite. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Tom Jeter: Aren't you, like, a hundred years old? Simon Stiles: Aren't you only marginally talented? |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Tom Jeter: Simon, tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school? Simon Stiles: Ok cool, why don't you tell her about the time everybody thought you were GAY in high school? |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Tom Jeter: You see, I'm an astronomy buff... Simon Stiles: ...Loser. The word is Loser. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Simon Stiles: What do you need? Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have. Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem. Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 10: - B-12 Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock. Tom Jeter: Oh God. Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock rook. Dylan Killington: Who's there? Harriet Hayes: Orange. Samantha Li: Banana! Harriet Hayes: Orange. Samantha Li: Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds are telling this joke! Harriet Hayes: Okay, well calm down. I happen to be a member of the... what? Simon Stiles: Fallstaff. Harriet Hayes: Fallstaff Society. |
| Season 1 / Episode 10: - B-12 Simon Stiles: [an air horn blows] What the hell what that? Tom Jeter: An air horn. Simon Stiles: Why is an air horn lying around here? Tom Jeter: Maybe it's just for such an occasion. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 9: - The Option Period Tom Jeter: None of this... Harriet Hayes: I understand! Tom Jeter: Just to be clear... Harriet Hayes: You're clear! Tom Jeter: None of this should do anything to take away from the fact that we are in favor of women in their underwear. Harriet Hayes: I know! Simon Stiles: True story! Tom Jeter: We are pro female nudity, that can't be said enough times. Harriet Hayes: You're testing that theory, but again... I understand. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Cold Open Tom Jeter: [on bloggers] I'm a fan of credentials. It's like we've all spent the last five years living in a Roger Corman film called "Revenge Of The Hack." |
 | Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Tom Jeter: [playing George W. Bush in a sketch] "Legacy" is a 480 SAT word which, as it turns out, does not mean a woman with nice legs. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Wes Mendell: [going onstage in the middle of a sketch] Listen, fellas, we're going to stop that. Tom Jeter: Did we lose the feed? Wes Mendell: No, we're live. I want both of you to clear the stage - I don't want anyone to think that you were a part of this. Wes Mendell: Clear the stage. Go on. Cal Shanley: [Audience still laughing] Wes Mendell: Uh, it's not going to be a very good show tonight. I think you should change the channel. Cal Shanley: [in the control booth] Lilly: What the hell? Wes Mendell: Change the channel. Right now. Control Room Assistant: When did they put this in? Lilly: Does anyone know what the hell is going on? Wes Mendell: Better yet, turn off the TV, okay? Cal Shanley: [Audience laughs] Wes Mendell: No, no, I know like it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but tomorrow, tomorrow you're going to find out that it wasn't, and by that time I'll have been fired. Wes Mendell: No, this - this is not supposed - this is not a sketch! Cal Shanley: [over the radio] Uh, this is real. |
| Previous: Matt Albie | Next: Simon Stiles |
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