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Matt Albie Quotes
 | Season 1 / Episode 22: - What Kind of Day Has It Been Matt Albie: Thank you... GOD Harriet Hayes: I HEARD THAT!... It's me jello-head. Matt Albie: They rescued the guys. Harriet Hayes: I just heard... Jordan's ok! Matt Albie: I know... Harriet Hayes: Have you been getting high since our fight at the Catholic's dinner? Matt Albie: Yeah... Harriet Hayes: AND YOU KEPT THAT FROM ME! [slaps Matt hard] Matt Albie: When you're high you keep if from everyone... OWWWW! Harriet Hayes: Not from me!... I'm the one you never keep things from. Never from me... I'm the one, Matthew. Matt Albie: Ok Harriet... I love you. |
| Season 1 / Episode 22: - What Kind of Day Has It Been Matt Albie: I'm gonna make a friend outta you yet. |
| Season 1 / Episode 22: - What Kind of Day Has It Been Matt Albie: Mazel tov. Danny Tripp: Gesundheit. |
| Season 1 / Episode 22: - What Kind of Day Has It Been Danny Tripp: Hey, Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but... I love you. Matt Albie: Okay. Danny Tripp: Did you take it the wrong way? Matt Albie: I took it to mean that you're gay and you want me. Danny Tripp: Good. |
| Season 1 / Episode 22: - What Kind of Day Has It Been Matt Albie: Does she have a name? Danny Trip: Baby Girl McDeere. Matt Albie: You're hoping she'll become a stripper. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 21: - K&R, Part III Jack Rudolph: I need you. Matt Albie: Jack, my whole life I've been waiting to hear those words from you. Say them again, say them as if you... Jack Rudolph: Shut up! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 20: - K&R, Part II Doctor: Do you have a friend who can come down and just sit with you and help you relax? Matt Albie: Danny! Sorry we're late, but Racer X here was driving, and we hit a parking meter. Harriet Hayes: You kept shouting, "Turn left! Turn left!" Matt Albie: Yeah, at the street. Danny Tripp: These are the calming influences. Doctor: Okay. I'm gonna head back in. |
| Season 1 / Episode 20: - K&R, Part II Danny Tripp: Right before she went in, I... I asked, I gave her the ring, she said yes. Matt Albie: Well, I hadn't finished writing the proposal. Danny Tripp: I know. Matt Albie: Which draft did you use? Danny Tripp: I didn't use any. Matt Albie: You... ad libbed? Danny Tripp: I had to. Matt Albie: I was working on this great marriage proposal for him! Danny Tripp: What did you want me to do? Matt Albie: The... the text! You can't just wing it! Danny Tripp: It worked! Matt Albie: Well, mine would've worked better! Danny Tripp: How? |
| Season 1 / Episode 20: - K&R, Part II Matt Albie: She delivered the baby. Andy Mackinaw: She delivered the baby? Cal Shanley: Yeah. Andy Mackinaw: Two weeks early? Matt Albie: Yeah, but the baby's fine. Sixteen pounds, two ounces. Andy Mackinaw: SIXTEEN POUNDS? Matt Albie: Is that... not... normal? Andy Mackinaw: Did she give birth to a tuna fish? Cal Shanley: Mattie. Matt Albie: Yeah? Cal Shanley: SIX pounds. |
| Season 1 / Episode 20: - K&R, Part II Matt Albie: Fifteen minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort. Danny Tripp: Where are you getting a police escort from? Matt Albie: I will commit a crime and lead them in a high speed chase if I have to! I am NOT kidding around! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 19: - K&R, Part I Matt Albie: Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village? Harriet Hayes: No. Matt Albie: It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead? Harriet Hayes: He's not David Copperfield! |
| Season 1 / Episode 19: - K&R, Part I Matt Albie: Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or then not get to call it science Harriet Hayes: Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start... Matt Albie: It's a fairy tail! Harriet Hayes: No, it's not Matt Albie: We've been having this fight for six months! Harriet Hayes: We've been having this fight for two years! Matt Albie: We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 18: - Breaking News Herb Sheldon: Live from Studio City on the Sunset Strip, it's Friday Night in Hollywood. Mary Tate: Did he just say Studio City? Matt Albie: Yep. |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - Breaking News Simon Stiles: Ah, I'm always grateful for another week of working with you all. I'm grateful for another opportunity to try and do my best. Harry, I hope you're a huge success in the movie, but I am grateful your head is back here full-time. And while I still think you and Matt are each as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, we're all pretty happy that you're at least speaking to each other. Matt Albie: She knows which side her bread is buttered on. Harriet Hayes: [With an accent] I'll butter your head jackass. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - 4AM Miracle Danny Tripp: The first day of work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no, it's not gonna be a problem." Matt Albie: Did I say it in the same creepy little voice you just used? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Harriet Dinner, Part I Matt Albie: [bidding on a date with Harriet that supports abstinence groups] Bid $5301! Suzanne: And $5302 for the sex club? Matt Albie: It's not a sex club, it's a group that supports polyamourous sexual activity with multiple partners... not sure what that is, but I'm pretty sure it upsets the abstinence people. Suzanne: They want to give you an award at their next dinner. [pause] I should tell them no? Matt Albie: Meh, an award's an award. |
| Season 1 / Episode 13: - The Harriet Dinner, Part I Matt Albie: For the record, I like seeing you this way. Danny Tripp: In pain? Matt Albie: No, you know, I don't know. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 12: - Monday Matt Albie: [believes Luke Scott is bidding on a date with Harriett for a Women United Through Faith online charity auction] Bid $501! Suzanne: Really? Matt Albie: Yes Suzanne: $501? Matt Albie: I am not giving these people any more money than I have to, bid $501! Suzanne: Any choice of user name? Matt Albie: Make something up. Suzanne: [typing] Boss... sexy. Matt Albie: NOT Boss Sexy! Suzanne: Ahh, too late! |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - Monday Matt Albie: Suzanne! Where's the bid? Tom Jeter: You bidding on something? Matt Albie: Just for spite. |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - Monday Matt Albie: Lukes5858, is he still bidding? Suzanne: He's the last bid, $1200. Matt Albie: $1200 I gotta give to abstinence people? Suzanne: $1201? Matt Albie: [pause] Alright, do it. And can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do so I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash? Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex. Matt Albie: It's L.A! You should be able to throw a rock and hit one! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: How come I'm Jewish and I'm the only one with the Christmas spirit? Come to think of it how come I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room? |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: Hang on, I've got a note for you from dress. [pulls Harriet around the corner and kisses her] [pulls notebook from his pocket] Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: I'm the miracle on the Sunset Strip. And you're, you know, two other guys. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Cal Shanley: Shaved coconuts! Matt Albie: Perfect! And they're indigenous to LA. Danny Tripp: No, they're not. Matt Albie: They grow on palm trees! Danny Tripp: Not ours. Matt Albie: What do ours do? Danny Tripp: Nothing. Matt Albie: This city needs me. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Simon Stiles: What do you need? Matt Albie: Any Christmas ideas you might have. Tom Jeter: There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem. Simon Stiles: Jesus was from north Africa. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: Danny? You're caring more about other people than you usually do. Danny Tripp: You're the one who just said, 'What's she gonna do about the upfronts?'. Matt Albie: Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head. Danny Tripp: So was mine. Matt Albie: No, it wasn't. It was genuine interest. Danny Tripp: Look, in case you haven't noticed, she's doing a good job. Matt Albie: And there you just defended her. Danny Tripp: What's wrong with that? Matt Albie: For starters, no one's attacking her. Danny Tripp: Go write! Matt Albie: Okay. Matt Albie: What? Danny Tripp: Nothing. Matt Albie: Say it. Just say it out loud! |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: What's he doing? Cal Shanley: There are gonna be reindeer up in the balcony; he's waving at them. Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute! Cal Shanley: Nah, he's waving at the reindeer. Matt Albie: Why wouldn't the reindeer be with him? Cal Shanley: Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt... Matt Albie: Alright, let's set logistics aside. He's saying, "Heil, Hitler." Cal Shanley: I think you're reading too much into it. Matt Albie: He's giving the Nazi salute. Cal Shanley: [pause] Well, now that you've said it, that's all I can see. Matt Albie: It's all anybody can see. Cal Shanley: He's got the crazy eyes too, doesn't he? Matt Albie: Yeah. Cal Shanley: LET'S GET RID OF DEMENTED SANTA CLAUS! |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: You were right, you know? Danny Tripp: About what? Matt Albie: We do live here now. Danny Tripp: Merry Christmas. Matt Albie: Merry Christmas. |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: How is it that I'm the only Jew in a comedy writer's room? |
| Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Christmas Show Matt Albie: What the heck happened to my tree? Suzanne: I was drying my socks. |
| Next: Danny Tripp |
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