Jerri Blank

Strangers with Candy

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Played by:

Amy Sedaris

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Jerri Blank Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Last Temptation of Blank Fran: Hi Jerri. Jerri Blank: Yo-yo-you talkin' to me? Fran: Yep. Jerri Blank: I'm guessing this is a dream. Only difference is you're not naked a tied to a radiator.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Last Temptation of Blank Jerri Blank: [to Fran] Hey, I have an idea. Let's do something girly. Why don't I grab some nail polish so we can paint each other's... clitorises?
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Last Temptation of Blank Jerri Blank: I'm cooler than you Frantic, you know why? Because I'm not. Think about it... I haven't.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Ask Jerri Jerri Blank: Hey, don't you want to know happened at school today? Sara Blank: All right. What happened in school today? Jerri Blank: Mr. Noblet ... Sara Blank: I was talking to Derrick. Derrick? Derrick Blank: Well, I punched this loser in the head - he was coming out of study hall - I blindsided him. He never even saw it coming. Sara Blank: That's very nice, Derrick. Okay Jerri, now why don't you make it quick? Jerri Blank: Someone punched me in the head when I was coming out of study hall today. Blindsided me - never saw it coming!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Blank Relay Mr. Chuck Noblet: At the end of "West Side Story," why do the lovers strangle each other? Jerri Blank: To prove that love is worth dying for? Mr. Chuck Noblet: No, I think what Shakespeare was getting at is that death is preferable to having your secret relationship revealed.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Invisible Love Jerri Blank: Can't you just drill a hole in his head to let the demons out? Dr. Trepanning: Jerri, that practice is obsolete. These days, we subdue the demons with drugs until they become addicted. Then we draw them out with meat.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Invisible Love Dr. Trepanning: Well, Jerri, it's been a tough night, but we finally subdued him. I tell you, your son Stew sure can take a blow to the head. Jerri Blank: Well technically, he's not my son. He's my stepmother's lover. Dr. Trepanning: Oh, good, then you can sign these release forms. Jerri Blank: How's he doing? Dr. Trepanning: Well, aside from the insanity, he's as healthy as a horse that's been beaten unconscious by a gang of savage orderlies.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Invisible Love Jerri Blank: Dr. Trepanning, can you get all the crazy out of my daddy? Dr. Trepanning: I can't make any promises, Jerri, but I promise I will. I'll use every tool at my disposal: medication, drugs, and pills. Jerri Blank: Well how long will it take? Dr. Trepanning: What is it, Wednesday? Thirty years. Jerri Blank: What? I need him by this afternoon! Dr. Trepanning: Jerri, the brain is a delicate and highly complicated organ. I know, I've taken a few of them apart and every time I put them back together, there's always a few extra parts laying around. Jerri Blank: Why can't you just drill a hole in his skull to let the demons out? Dr. Trepanning: [chuckles] Jerri, drilling a hole in the skull to let the demons out is a pretty archaic treatment of mental illness. Today, we sedate the demons until they become addicted, and then we coax them out with a piece of meat. It takes years.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Trail of Tears Chuck Noblet: Hey, this'll be fun. Let's have a debate. Jerri will defend the godless savages, and everyone else will attack Jerri. Jerri Blank: What? Chuck Noblet: Don't be afraid to get personal. The objective is to win, or, rather, to attack Jerri. Jerri Blank: I don't know anything about Indians because I'm not an Indian! Chuck Noblet: A cunningly savage denial, Jerri. Alright, fact: a peaceful, napping General Custer was murdered in his sleep by bloodthirsty Indians while he was on a family camping trip!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Jerri's Burning Issue Jerri Blank: Do a lot of the people die of the syphilis? Chuck Noblet: Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - A Price Too High for Riches Jerri Blank: Why do we have to car pool with the Fagonokolises? They smell like feta cheese! Orlando Pinatubo: I like the car pool. The Fagonokolises are good people. Jerri Blank: Good people? They're Greeks, and Greeks are just Jews without money.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - To Love, Honor and Pretend Jerri Blank: You don't wanna beat me or screw me. What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Hit and Run Coach Cherri Wolf: Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell? Jerri Blank: Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho... hobocamp!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Hit and Run Jerri Blank: [to Alan, the blind student] I think it's brave of you wanting to play football. I think it's sexy. It makes me as damp as a cellar down there - all mildewy. Enter if you dare...
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - The Goodbye Guy Jerri Blank: Well, what would you do if your daddy died? Cassie Pines: HEY. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident, nobody can have one? Well I'll tell ya something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothin' gonna change that.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Yes You Can't Jerri Blank: What's the difference between being married and in love and being horny and in the back of a car?
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Yes You Can't Jerri Blank: Shazam. Look. Drake Rogers. Mmm, he makes me all puffy down there. I'd love to tame his blue vein swayback throbber. Tammi Littlenut: What do you mean, Jerri? Jerri Blank: Take him backstage behind the meat curtain, know what I mean? I'm talkin' about pounding out the veal. Tammi Littlenut: Are you thinking about having sex already? Jerri Blank: Does a pimp carry a razor? Tammi Littlenut: I don't know... Jerri Blank: Trust me, they all do.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Yes You Can't Jerri Blank: Well, I have to go to the ladies room. Tammi, you wanna come along? Tammi Littlenut: I don't have to go. Jerri Blank: You don't have to make a tinkle or a poo-poo? Tammi Littlenut: No, Jerri. Jerri Blank: Are you sure, Tammela? Maybe once you get in there, you'll have to make a wee-wee or a turdy. Tammi Littlenut: Do you wanna go to the bathroom and talk? Jerri Blank: I guess we could talk if you don't need to make a stinky.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Yes You Can't Jerri Blank: Why did you spread those vicious lies? Drake Rogers: Cus you didn't spread those vicious thighs.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Behind Blank Eyes Jerri Blank: If only I could see what it's like to be blind!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Virgin Jerri Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite color? Jerri Blank: Lemon! Jerri Blank: Rust. Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite food? Jerri Blank: Crepes Suzette! Jerri Blank: Meatballs. Mr. Chuck Noblet: If you could be any animal, which would it be? Jerri Blank: [Jerry stealthily slips her hand over the red bulb] Kitten? Jerri Blank: Snake. Mr. Chuck Noblet: Well, at least we know you can't lie.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - The Trip Back Geoffrey Jellineck: Why am I in a ladies' jail? I am a man! Jerri Blank: Faggot. [laughs] My asshole's hungry, baby. [laughs]
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Feather in the Storm Jerri Blank: All you need is some TLC and some vitamin P. What I'm trying to say, Paul, is I find you sexually attractive. Paul Cotton: Jerri, everyone in school says ... Jerri Blank: I like the pole and the hole, and right now, I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come to my crib after school and I'll make your pinky all stinky.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Feather in the Storm Jerri Blank: G-spot! Gonads! Gooks! Good times! G-goodbye?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Let Freedom Ring Jerri Blank: First of all, I don't like people. I like me. Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Does everything have to be about you? Jerri Blank: Well, I may not be much, but I'm all I think about.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Who Wants Cake? Principal Onyx Blackman: What are you going to do at Good Time Island? Jerri Blank: I'm gonna get laid.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Who Wants Cake? Jerri Blank: I have to snitch on my locker mate. Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: What is she, gay? Jerri Blank: No, retarded. Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Most of them are. Jerri Blank: What? Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Gay people! How did you find out, did you make a pass at her? She'd have to be retarded to turn you down!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Dreams on the Rocks Craig Snow: You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic, but Jerri, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Jerri Blank: No, I've heard her say plenty of times she didn't love me.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Old Habits/New Beginnings Jerri Blank: Well, those keyholes are a menace.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Old Habits/New Beginnings Jerri Blank: They never did find out who gave Poppy the drugs, so I guess justice was served.

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