David

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David Wain

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David Quotes

	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Vegetables David: $98 for new swim flippers? What was wrong with the swim flippers you got last summer? Michael: Look at them, David! I'd be the laughingstock of the Aquatics Center! They're hopelessly out of fashion! Michael: They are, David. Besides, what are you, beyond reproach? I mean what about all that surgical gauze you bought? David: That was for my appendectomy, Michael. Michael: Daivd, that appendectomy was cosmetic and you know it. David: It was not. Michael: Was too! David: Was not! Michael: Was too! David: Was not! Michael: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear! David: Was he?! Michael: ...I dunno! David: [murmurs and peers at Michael] Michael: You guys, while you were arguing I coming up with a list of ideas about how we can save some money. Michael: I'll be the judge of that... Michael: [takes the list] Michael: [shaking his head] No. No. No. No.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Paper Route Michael: Well we are gathered here tonight, for a fight But I say, man that's not all right Fighting is not the right solution, It just adds to all of this polution David: Well I'm David Wain and I'm here to say, That there has to be a better way. Fighting is not a good activity, Let's use our creativity Painting, and dancing, and drawing, yo Now I would like to introduce my friend Michael Sho Michael: A-ra-ca-ca-ca A-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom Shakalaka Boom Shakalaka Get up, Get up, Get up, Yeah!
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Coffee Shop David: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Michael: You betcha'! I'm kickin' you Oouuu-! David: Well if that don't beat all! First Michael kicks us out and then you kick me out? Prince Machiavelli himself couldn't have orchestrated a more murderous coo!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Campaign Michael: The gall! The unmitigated gall of those girls! Michael: [mocking] If you want to change things, run for board president. Yeah right! David: They think they're SO funny Michael: So funny I forgot to laugh! Michael: I remembered to laugh, but I didn't, because it specifically wasn't funny! David: Yeah, like the great Irish Potato Famine! Michael: When they said that, it literally was the great Irish Potato Famine! Michael: This is such a great famine Michael: I love that famine Michael: Can I say something about the nature of tragedy? I think it's so sad. I think like, by definition, tragedy is sad. Like war? David: You know, I've never been a fan of tragedy. I hate war too. Michael: Like, that's what the 60's were all about. People don't understand that, like, that's what we were doing back then Michael: It's like when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream", THAT'S what he was talking about David: What about Madonna? I mean, is she Like a Virgin or is she the Material Girl? I mean this girl's had more reinventions than Thomas Edison Michael: She's had more boyfriends than Madonna Michael: I like English Muffins Michael: Totally!
	Unknown Episode: David: It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord. Michael: He is such a Nazi. Michael: Michael, not all Germans are Nazis. Michael: That's not my understanding.
	Unknown Episode: David: [to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!
	Unknown Episode: David: I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction! [laughs]
	Unknown Episode: David: How's the soup, Michael? Michael: It's good. David: You won't be saying that after I kill you!
	Unknown Episode: Michael: Think of all the great things that have come out of this country! Michael: Rugby. David: Chicken Tikka Masala. Michael: Chinese People. Michael: Ass. David: Harry Potter. Michael: Rubber balls and liquor. Michael: Then I say something.
	Unknown Episode: David: Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean? Michael: What, who is this? I don't know any Davids! David: David Wain? Michael: Oh... yeah
	Unknown Episode: Michael: David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches? David: Gary Meadows? Sure. But why? Michael: Trust me. Just trust me.
	Unknown Episode: David: And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison. Michael: She's had more boyfriends than Madonna! Michael: I like English muffins. David: Totally.
	Unknown Episode: Greg: Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only. David: We are employees! Michael: Yeah! We're from the... Houston office. Greg: Houston? Michael: [in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh? Ansel: I didn't know we had an office in Houston. Michael: [in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister. Michael: [in Canadian accent]... Pierre Trudeau... Ansel: If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents? David: [in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers! Michael, Michael: Yeah!
	Unknown Episode: Michael: Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles. Michael: And numchucks. David: Sweeeeet.
	Unknown Episode: Michael: [looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that? Michael: [in a rain poncho] Well, I'm dressed for rain. David: [in mountain climbing gear] And I'm dressed for snow. Michael: [in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?
	Unknown Episode: David: Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man! Michael: I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God! Michael: What are we gonna do? David: Call Marcus. Michael: Yeah, call Marcus. Michael: Who's Marcus? Michael: I don't know, I don't know! Michael: Hey guys, he's still alive! Michael: [Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that! Michael: It was either him or us, Mike! Michael: What are you talking about? David: You guys, we have to call the cops! Michael: No cops, Dave... not on this one! David: What are you talking about? We have to call the cops! Michael: [points gun at David] I said no cops! Michael: Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey [points gun at Michael Ian Black] David: Put the gun down, Mike! [points gun at Showalter] Michael: Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you! David: I know? it's weird. Michael: Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down. David: Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down! Michael: 2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do? [all three throw guns down] David: Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost! Michael: How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat! Michael: [looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...
	Unknown Episode: David: I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt? Mountain Man: Of course. David: No, no, but you say it. Mountain Man: ...Mike hunt. [Michael, Michael and David giggle] Mountain Man: What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?" [more giggles] Mountain Man: All right, enough!
	Unknown Episode: Old Woman: Everybody make a wish, now. Michael: I wish we had our apartment back. Michael: I wish we had our apartment back. David: I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.
	Unknown Episode: Michael: Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted. David: I know. I can barely keep my eyes open. Michael: I can barely keep my pee hole open. Michael: My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.
	Unknown Episode: David: Hey, you remind me of fast food. Blonde Girl: Oh, yeah? Why's that? David: Because I want to take you out... Blonde Girl: [laughs] David: ...and then I want to eat you in my car.
	Unknown Episode: Jane Burroughs: I'm afraid I some have bad news. David: Don't tell me you have crabs. Jane Burroughs: No. David: ...You will.
	Unknown Episode: Michael: I'm cold. Michael: I'm hungry. David: I'm David. [makes fart noise]
	Unknown Episode: Michael: Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man. Mountain Man: Nature is fun. David: Like boobs? Mountain Man: But it can also be dangerous. Michael: Like fire boobs?
	Unknown Episode: David: As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.
	Unknown Episode: David: I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!
	Unknown Episode: Michael: Where are we? Michael: Are we in heaven? David: Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.
	Unknown Episode: Michael: David went to Julliard, Michael. Michael: I don't care where he went! Michael: He's a classical violinist. David: And I'm a classical pianist! Michael: You're a classical dick, is what you are.

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