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Characters: #5 of 5 (Full List)
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 | Season 1 / Episode 4: - Four Colds and a Funeral Ian Stark: You hugged the world's greatest children's author to death! Henry: I didn't kill anybody. Ian Stark: You didn't use a gun or knife, but surely, sir, you took his life. Henry: Would you cut that out? Ian Stark: If you hadn't let him get so near ya, he wouldn't have died from your bacteria. Henry: Please, Ian, would you show some respect? My childhood hero just died! Ian Stark: No one's denied the man just died. His death is surely bona fide. But you must confide, he wouldn't have died if you hadn't committed homicide. |
| Unknown Episode: Tess Farraday: I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week! Ian Stark: Have a nice night, Henry. |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: (extremely nervous) Sometimes a friend is... is, called upon, to... uh... forgive the other, because... because, because because because... Ian Stark: Because of the wonderful things he does? |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: Tess has felt threatened ever since she found an old photo of Susan sunbathing in Greece, all topless and tan and glistening and... topless. Ian Stark: Tess was snooping through your stuff, huh? Henry: No, actually it was my screensaver. |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: Yeah, there is no [such word as] "dribbed." There's the noun "drib," which means a negligible amount. Ian Stark: Oh, I see. So I'm getting a drib of help from you right now. |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: I just feel that names that end with "y" are weak, Henry. |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you! |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: I thought we ordered chicken wings. Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick. Jake Donovan: That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings! |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: Why would he go all the way back to the warehouse? Ian Stark: Because he wants to get caught. That's what killers do. You know that - you're a killer. |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone? Ian Stark: It keeps ringing. Henry: It stops ringing when you answer it. Ian Stark: Also when you smash it with a hammer. |
| Unknown Episode: Cesar: I hope everybody likes hot cheese! Henry: Wow, it's flaming. Ian Stark: Yeah, and the cheese is on fire. |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans. Ian Stark: Shenanigans? Well, just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't ya? Up to some tomfoolery. |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front! |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right. |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: I'm sorry, Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around. Henry: Oh, great! Why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold? |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it. Henry: And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage! |
| Unknown Episode: Henry: It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author...” Ian Stark: "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?" |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: Hey, you're back! How was your sister's? Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes. |
| Unknown Episode: Ian Stark: How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face. Jake Donovan: I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover. Ian Stark: It's a scary story! Jake Donovan: Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'. |
| Previous: Jake Donovan | Next: Tess Farraday |
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