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Henry McNeeley Quotes
 | Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Maddie: I'm screwed. This guy invited me to a dinner party. Henry McNeeley: What's the problem? Maddie: Lobster tail. Henry McNeeley: He has a lobster tail? Maddie: Yes, Henry, he has a lobster tail. He has to buy special pants. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Maddie: He's all excited cuz it's one of those deals where they send live lobsters from Maine by overnight mail. Henry McNeeley: Oooh, there's a horrible day. Not only do you get dropped into a pot of boiling water, but you have to go to the airport. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Ian Stark: I had a little problem for a while so I went to a hypnotist. Maddie: Did it help? Ian Stark: Oh, it worked so well, I became completely and utterly fascinated with hypnosis. I studied it, I read everything I could find, I bought tapes, took seminars, practiced on my friends, you name it. Henry McNeeley: What was your little problem? Ian Stark: Obsessive-compulsive disorder. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Ian Stark: They just think they're Romeo and Juliette, what's the worst that can happen? Henry McNeeley: Well, they could have sex and kill themselves. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Ian Stark: Just think. Jake and Tess together. Where would they go? Henry McNeeley: Well, let's see. All we need is a strip joint that sells designer shoes. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Hypnotist Maddie: Wait a minute, I saw the movie. Henry McNeeley: What happened? Maddie: I don't know, I got bored halfway through and walked into the other theater. All I remember is Claire Danes falls in love and then Harrison Ford says, "Get off my plane!" |
| Season 1 / Episode 13: - My Bodyguard (a.k.a. Guarding Tess) Henry McNeeley: You know, I heard from an official police source you should always give a mugger what he wants. Ian Stark: Who said that? Henry McNeeley: McGruff, the talking crime dog. |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Crush Henry McNeeley: Who wrote that? Maddie: I did. Henry McNeeley: Well, I don't know what sort of bet you lost, but next time hold the chalk with your hand. |
| Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Crush Henry McNeeley: It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..." Ian Stark: "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants and hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?" |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Ian Stark: I'm sorry Rod, but the position's filled as long as Henry's around. Henry McNeeley: Oh great, why don't you just tell him I bleed liquid gold? |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Henry McNeeley: Guess what severely incapacitated man wrote 600 pages in two days? Ian Stark: Stop throwing Stephen King in my face! |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Ian Stark: Rod, I know what it's like to walk around with a circus in your head. There's noise and lights and everywhere you look, people are havin' a good time - and then suddenly you realize that you're on the wrong side of the cage and there's no cotton candy for you. Henry McNeeley: That doesn't make any sense. Rod: Yes it does. Ian Stark: Then you look in those wiggly funhouse mirrors and all you can see is your high school guidance counselor and he's got Ritz cracker eyes and candy corn teeth... and he's laughing while your father swings from his belt. Rod: Okay, now you lost me. |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Henry McNeeley: He wants me to edit it. Ian Stark: Then edit it. Henry McNeeley: Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard since there's no pesky punctuation to get in the way of a six hundred page sentence! |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Ian Stark: Six hundred page, I mean, there must be something of value. Henry McNeeley: There was, but then he typed all over it! |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - The Stalker Ian Stark: You know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gough was weird, Stravinski was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it. Henry McNeeley: And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage! |
| Season 1 / Episode 6: - Fish out of Water Henry McNeeley: Hey, I've been tryin' to call you all afternoon. What's wrong with your phone? Ian Stark: It keeps ringing. Henry McNeeley: It stops ringing when you answer it. Ian Stark: Also when you smash it with a hammer. |
| Season 1 / Episode 6: - Fish out of Water Cesar Radford: I hope everybody like hot cheese! Henry McNeeley: Wow, it's flaming. Ian Stark: Yeah, and the cheese is on fire. |
| Season 1 / Episode 6: - Fish out of Water Henry McNeeley: I am going to be blacklisted thanks to you and your fish shenanigans. Ian Stark: Shenanigans? Well just come out and say it, Henry. You think I'm a hooligan, don't you? Up to some tomfoolery. |
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