Squidbillies Quotes

Squidbillies

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 1 / Episode 3: - School Days, Fool Days Granny: [Aunt Lil is dancing with Rusty] Oh, you two are just the cutest. You mind if I steal him for just a little bit of this dance? Aunt Lil: Oh I'm afraid this handsome fella here is taken. Granny: Ooh, I just got sassed by a whore! Aunt Lil: Back off you old bitch! He is mine! Granny: Yeah, it's on!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Take This Job and Love It Earlie Cuyler: What time is it? Lil: 'Bout 2:30. Earlie Cuyler: What the? Damn, I'm two days and six hours late for work.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Take This Job and Love It Earlie Cuyler: Where do I see myself in five beers? Sheriff: Years. Earlie Cuyler: Uhh, I don't know. Jail?
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Take This Job and Love It Earlie Cuyler: I do appreciate the generous offer, but knife here is the tool of the idiot. I listen to my gut and my gut tells me this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work, and gut's a damn moron. So they get to carryin' on and then my brain chimes in saying I got to try my hand at the fast sex paced world of adult literature. Sheriff: Hey Early, this here's a four-figure opportunity. You sure you don't want to sleep on it? Earlie Cuyler: You wanna sleep forever? I said Adult Literature!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Take This Job and Love It Dan Halen: I think what most impresses me, Earlie, is the effort and detail which you've clearly shown in urinating on my laptop. Earlie Cuyler: I don't care to consort with those of the robot race. Dan Halen: ...and why would you? I think that about covers it. Earlie, welcome to Dan Halen Sheetrock, International.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Take This Job and Love It Dan Halen: So, under experience, you've listed here on your hat-shaped resume that you can skin a buck, run a trout line and that all your rowdy friends... Earlie Cuyler: ...are comin' over tonight, y'sir. Dan Halen: Earlie, you're the most inpressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic. Earlie Cuyler: Well, I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree. Dan Halen: Overt racial prejudice... impressive, Earlie. Earlie Cuyler: I thank you, kindly.
	Unknown Episode: Dan Halen: Another dead baby? Sue the parents!
	Unknown Episode: Granny: When Jesus was president he ate babies all the time.
	Unknown Episode: Narrator: Nothing binds a father and a son more closely than the truth behind the decapitated hooker in the rec room.
	Unknown Episode: Sheriff: You passed, boy! Rusty: I did? I did! Hell, yeah! I'm a high school congraduate. Earlie Cuyler: Graduations, Rusty. Rusty: Ain't nuthin gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitree to progress cognatious thunk.
	Unknown Episode: Lil: Well, y'all need me, I'll be putting pictures of my ass on the internet.
	Unknown Episode: Granny: Hooray, magic Jesus!
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: She was my dream, my muse. A vision suitable for the wide-screen format. I can still taste her fist against my face. The sweet sugary sweat from a lifetime of diabetes. A heartbeat you could hear from six blocks away. One big pump every hour.
	Unknown Episode: Krystal: Well, then there's one of me. Here's one of them what you call 'em Glamour Shots what have you. Whaddaya know, there's me. No, that's a bus.
	Unknown Episode: Krystal: How is your daddy? Rusty: Oh, he's good, he's good. Just got out of prison not too long ago. Krystal: No I'm sorry, "Who". I mean who's your daddy? Rusty: Uh, Early Cuyler. Krystal: Tall guy? Rusty: No. Krystal: Big belly? Rusty: No. Krystal: Red hair? Rusty: Not the one. Krystal: Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen? Rusty: Not him neither. Krystal: Or is Charlie Sheen? Rusty: No, not Charlie Sheen. Krystal: Is he a football team? Rusty: Nope. Krystal: Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team? Rusty: No. Krystal: Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen? Rusty: No Mama!
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: Aww, hell, that's the office. I can't believe I gotta go in on a Wednesday. Them people can't wipe they ass without me.
	Unknown Episode: Dan Halen: Erupt into a Bev-Rage this summer with "Glug"! That's the slogan. We'll add the word "Dawg" for the blacks. They like that word, like they're friends with the product.
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age, huh? Rusty: You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do. And it's my body and I can kill it however I want to. And America's about freedom.
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: Allow me to explain the contamination process. Pine cones go in here, party liquors comes out here and proceed to here. [points to mouth] Fights begin, finger prints are took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.
	Unknown Episode: Sheriff: Oh one other thing Earlie. Your boy needs to be in school. Earlie Cuyler: School? Ain't dat da damn place where they got all dem uhh lets see, whatcha call um uhh? Fold outs covered in scriblins wrote up all over. Earlie Cuyler: uhh? Books? Earlie Cuyler: uh-uh, uh-uh, No they square like a magazine. Sheriff: Books Earlie. Earlie Cuyler: Noo not not that, but something like that, I wanna say boooooo...
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, den shoot that lying summa' bitch goose and supa' down!
	Unknown Episode: Dan Halen: And what about your work ethic? Earlie Cuyler: I don't think ethnics do no work, I mean that's they problem really. If you ain't like me go hang from a damn tree. Dan Halen: Overt racial prejudice. Impressive.
	Unknown Episode: Granny: Don't you dare hurt him! Earlie Cuyler: Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gonna say about it? Granny: Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis! [the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning] Earlie Cuyler: You lucky bitch! That's the one thing you could have said.
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: Toodly do! Them hippies show up? Rusty: They out back. Daddy why they come up here every week? Earlie Cuyler: Here you go, boy. I bought you a video game [gives Rusty a bucket with sponge & soap] Rusty: You did? Earlie Cuyler: Hell no. Wash them trucks. But you leave the boat to me. Don't you touch that sumbitchin' boat. A boat is not a toy. Thank you. The boat is mine. THE BOAT IS MINE!
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: Fruit don't talk. Fruit just listens... and waits.
	Unknown Episode: Sheriff: Howdy, y'all. Guess who I just apprehended in town. A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly. Mmm-mmmm they're good! Earlie Cuyler: Whup his ass. Rusty: Uh, Look at that, boy. Sheriff: Look at what? Rusty: Uh, I don't know. Earlie Cuyler: Look at this, right chere! [knocks the cookies out of the Sheriff's hands] Sheriff: Damn... they would have to fall frosting down. Rusty: Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, Sheriff. That was an accident. Earlie Cuyler: Accident? Boy! Rusty: I mean accident time on you. You fall on my fist, your face hurt! Accident to you, boy! Earlie Cuyler: That's what I'm talkin' about. Hell, yeah! Come on now, turn it on son. Turn it on. Rusty: Turn it on son. Turn it on! Earlie Cuyler: No, no, no, It's already on. Okay, you got to tell him it's on! Rusty: It is on... boy. Earlie Cuyler: Follow with a simile. Come on. Rusty: It's on like... uh Earlie Cuyler: What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme. Rusty: It's on like, like Michelle Kwan! Earlie Cuyler: ...Oh, son. Rusty: I'll do a tripe-axle lutz on your zambonied ice. Sheriff: Rusty, It's on like Red Dawn or Charles Bron-son. Or hell, I'd even have accepted the movie "Tron". But Michelle Kwan? Please. Rusty: She made sacrifices to get where she is! Earlie Cuyler: Damn it! How many times have we watched Road House this weekend? How many times, Rusty? How damn many? Rusty: Four? Earlie Cuyler: Damn, that's a lot.
	Unknown Episode: Granny: When I was little, we didn't have fancy ketchup. We just had ketchup. We used to make it out in the back out of possum tails. Only we just called it blood.
	Unknown Episode: Narrator: Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen International had not been long, but it had been distinguished... By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance. I would call it a steady decline in performance, but that would imply that he performed at one point in time. In fact he had not. He was drunk.
	Unknown Episode: Rusty: Hey daddy how do I do a breast self exam? Earlie Cuyler: Mens don't do that, Rusty. and mens don't lay no sisified eggs out of their butt glands neither. Rusty: What we doin up here? Earlie Cuyler: We going to de-bitch-ulate you boy. Make a man of you. Now put on your camo, cause you got to blend in with nature. Rusty: But, but this is orange Earlie Cuyler: No, no, Tangerine, boy. You see those deers is going to think this ain't nothin but a common Georgia fruit tree. We just two big friendly deadly deadly honeydews! Rusty: But, but daddy! Earlie Cuyler: Unuh, fruit don't talk. Fruit just listens... and waits. Look over yonder. [points to cake in woods] Rusty: WELL HOT DAMN! Is that lemon flavored? Earlie Cuyler: Shhh! Chocolate. Once them deers smell that birthday cake them sumbitches will come a running.
	Unknown Episode: Earlie Cuyler: Godalmighty, we ask you to bless this feast that lie before us, and please allow these spent lottery tickets with their silvery scratchery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. Lord, thankya for the untimely frost you sent what claimed our pointless bananer orchards. Oh I was a fool to plan bananers on a mountain, you made sure of that. In short, thanks for nuthin'.

« previous12 next »

» Back to Squidbillies TV Show