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 | Season 16 / Episode 12: - A Nightmare On Face Time Randy Marsh: Stan! I'm coming Stanny Boy! |
| Season 16 / Episode 12: - A Nightmare On Face Time Sharon Marsh: Would you like to bring me McDonald's? Randy Marsh: Yes. Sharon Marsh: What would you like from McDonald's? Randy Marsh: Chicken nuggets. French fries. Sweet and sour sauce. Hi-C Orange. |
 | Season 16 / Episode 2: - Cash For Gold Stan Marsh: Yeah hi. Erm, you should kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: What's that? Stan Marsh: I said, "you should kill yourself." What you do is, sort of, unjustifiable. And you know it's unjustifiable. And you don't care. You're the definition of evil. Kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just 37,95. How's that? Stan Marsh: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up social security checks. Kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well, you shouldn't say things like that, 'cause some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it. Then you'd feel really bad. Stan Marsh: No, I wouldn't. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Yes, you would. Stan Marsh: No, because I really want you to kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well how about this? If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows his brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth 2.7 million dollars. How's that sound? Stan Marsh: I don't care what happens to me. I care about my grandfather, you morally empty, corrupted maggot. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, I'll tell you what. I'll bring the lawsuit down to 29, 39... Stan Marsh: No, no, it doesn't matter what price you put on anything. Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: [clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's calling up and telling someone to kill themselves. That's not a joke. Stan Marsh: I'm not joking. [pause] Do it. |
 | Season 15 / Episode 8: - Ass Burgers Morpheus: [to Stan] You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you? Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right? Stan Marsh: Yeah. |
| Season 15 / Episode 8: - Ass Burgers Stan Marsh: I don't want everything to go back to the it was! You were right, Kyle. Sometimes the only way to go forward is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay at Cartman Burger, dude. You're going to do this and I'm going to do my thing and... my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact it's better. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see! And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with new people in town. Maybe this kid will be my new best friend. Or maybe this kid will. |
| Season 15 / Episode 8: - Ass Burgers Sharon Marsh: People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is... just stick with what you know. |
 | Season 15 / Episode 6: - City Sushi City Wok Guy: How come every time a hard-working Chinese man open a business, some smelly Japanese dog has to come and try invade him? |
| Season 15 / Episode 6: - City Sushi Linda Stoch: What is wrong with that boy? Stephen Stoch: I don't know, but it's clear it isn't our parenting. We're awesome. |
| Season 15 / Episode 6: - City Sushi Butters: Hello, sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you. |
| Season 15 / Episode 6: - City Sushi City Wok Guy: [thinking to self - not spoken aloud] I'm not even going to swat that fly. They'll see. And they'll say, wow, that City Wok owner, why, he wouldn't even harm a fly. |
 | Season 15 / Episode 5: - Crack Baby Athletic Association Secretary: [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you. Dean Howland: A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman] Eric Cartman: [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade. Dean Howland: In the what? Eric Cartman: My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets. Dean Howland: I have... no idea what you're talkin' about. Eric Cartman: [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks. Dean Howland: Are you refering to our student athletes? Eric Cartman: Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then? Dean Howland: Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man Eric Cartman: I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right? Dean Howland: We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves. Eric Cartman: But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves. Dean Howland: Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you! Eric Cartman: You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university? [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home! [walks out and closes the door] |
 | Season 15 / Episode 1: - HUMANCENTiPAD Eric Cartman: It does email and web browsing and it shits in Kyle's mouth? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented! |
 | Season 14 / Episode 10: - Insheeption Yusuf: Is this the dream? Or the dream within the dream? Dominic Cobb: I don't know. Just keep shooting. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 7: - Crippled Summer Camp Counsellor: That's it. We're done. You are no longer employed here! Kyle Broflovski: Please sir! Camp Counsellor: We need a nice clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money. Towelie: Yes, some people are picky about their towels. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 6: - 201 (Part 2) Eric Cartman (as Mitch Connor): [voiceover] Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death. A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see. I tried to sit it out as much as I could. Soldier 1: What's the matter, Connor? Don't like a little blood? Eric Cartman (as Mitch Connor): [voiceover] No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen-year-old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff for Mitch Connor. Soldier 2: Incoming! |
| Season 14 / Episode 6: - 201 (Part 2) Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today. Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? Santa Claus: That's right, friends. Stan Marsh: Yeah. |
| Season 14 / Episode 6: - 201 (Part 2) Stan Marsh: Look, Mr. Cruise... I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had Seaman on your back. Tom Cruise: I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me. Kyle Broflovski: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up. Stan Marsh: We do? Oh... Oh yeah, we do! Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet and - Oh... Oh please, can you show me where? Stan Marsh: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 4: - You've Got 0 Friends Eric Cartman: Ah, here's a guy. Hey dude, how's it going? Man on Webcam: Hey. Eric Cartman: This is my friend Kyle, he's looking for some new friends. Man on Webcam: Oh yeah? [unzips pants] Eric Cartman: Oh, he's taken out his penis. OK, next guy... Kyle Broflovski: Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore. Eric Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works - if you wanna find some quality friends, you gotta wait through all the dicks first. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 3: - Medicinal Fried Chicken Randy Marsh: The doctor made you a souvenir. Sharon Marsh: Oh Randy, I love it! Randy Marsh: And when it gets cold, it shrinks. Woman #1: Sharon, you got a scrotum coat? Sharon Marsh: Yep. Woman #1: Lucky! |
 | Season 14 / Episode 2: - The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book? Mr. Garrison: Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by Catcher in the Rye, but he was just a kook. Eric: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the king of hippies. Can we please read this right now? |
| Season 14 / Episode 2: - The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet? Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is. Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times. Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing. Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING! Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned? Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity. Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this... Eric: We know! We we're just saying that. Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous? Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon! |
| Season 14 / Episode 2: - The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs Kyle: Aw... aw, Butters. It'll be alright. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning. Stan: Yeah dude, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television. |
| Season 14 / Episode 2: - The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs Kim Kardashian: Today, me and my sisters are gonna have to, like, clean something. It's gonna blow. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 1: - Sexual Healing Kenny McCormick: [Mufffled] Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that? Researcher: I don't want to go into too much detail, but you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something and you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasms super awesome. Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] Really? Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume! |
 | Season 13 / Episode 13: - Dances with Smurfs Eric Cartman: [after seeing James Cameron's Avatar] You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was my idea! MY IDEA! [Cartman puts two middle fingers in the air] You can't just take one person's idea and call it... something else. |
 | Season 13 / Episode 11: - Whale Whores Cartman: Suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls! |
 | Season 13 / Episode 10: - W.T.F. Mexican 1: Dios mio! Muerto el pollo loco! Mexican 2: Bastardos! |
 | Season 13 / Episode 5: - Fishsticks Jay Leno: So apparently more and more Americans are eating fishsticks. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Loving fishsticks, kinda makes me wonder, you know? What is everybody, a gay fish? [the studio audience roars with laughter and two men in the front row fall off their chairs and throw up] |
| Season 13 / Episode 5: - Fishsticks Kyle Broflovski: Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write? Jimmy Valmer: Well, he didn't actually write... any of it. Kyle Broflovski: Let me guess: you came up with the joke, and Cartman sat on the couch eating Twizzlers? Jimmy Valmer: Actually, it was potato chips. |
 | Season 13 / Episode 3: - Margaritaville Bank Clerk: How can I help you, young man? Stan Marsh: I got a hundred-dollar check from my grandma and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years. Bank Clerk: Well that's fantastic. A really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a money market mutual fund, then we'll re-invest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaaand it's gone. Stan Marsh: Uh... what? Bank Clerk: It's gone, it's all gone. Stan Marsh: What's all gone? Bank Clerk: The money in your account. It didn't do too well, it's gone. Stan Marsh: What do you mean? I-I have a hundred dollars! Bank Clerk: Not any more, you don't. [Gestures] Poof! Stan Marsh: Well what can I do to get back my... Bank Clerk: [Interrupts] I'm sorry, sir, but this line is for bank members only. Stan Marsh: I just opened an account! Bank Clerk: Do you have any money invested with this bank? Stan Marsh: No, you just lost it all! Bank Clerk: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please! Stan Marsh: [Getting pushed out of the way] Hey! Bank Clerk: Hello Mrs. Farnickel. How are you, today? Making a deposit, are we? Greeeat. We can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone. Mrs. Farnickel: Whaaat? Bank Clerk: Sorry, yeah, it's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please! Stan Marsh: Dad! Randy Marsh: Hey, I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money? Bank Clerk: Oh, Mr. Marsh! D-d-don't worry. We can just transfer money from *your* account into a portfolio with your savings... AAAAAND IT'S GONE! This line's for people who have money with the bank, only, please step aside! |
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