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Stan Marsh Quotes
 | Season 16 / Episode 2: - Cash For Gold Stan Marsh: Yeah hi. Erm, you should kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: What's that? Stan Marsh: I said, "you should kill yourself." What you do is, sort of, unjustifiable. And you know it's unjustifiable. And you don't care. You're the definition of evil. Kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just 37,95. How's that? Stan Marsh: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up social security checks. Kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well, you shouldn't say things like that, 'cause some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it. Then you'd feel really bad. Stan Marsh: No, I wouldn't. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Yes, you would. Stan Marsh: No, because I really want you to kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well how about this? If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows his brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth 2.7 million dollars. How's that sound? Stan Marsh: I don't care what happens to me. I care about my grandfather, you morally empty, corrupted maggot. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, I'll tell you what. I'll bring the lawsuit down to 29, 39... Stan Marsh: No, no, it doesn't matter what price you put on anything. Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself. Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: [clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's calling up and telling someone to kill themselves. That's not a joke. Stan Marsh: I'm not joking. [pause] Do it. |
 | Season 15 / Episode 8: - Ass Burgers Morpheus: [to Stan] You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you? Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right? Stan Marsh: Yeah. |
| Season 15 / Episode 8: - Ass Burgers Stan Marsh: I don't want everything to go back to the it was! You were right, Kyle. Sometimes the only way to go forward is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay at Cartman Burger, dude. You're going to do this and I'm going to do my thing and... my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact it's better. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see! And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with new people in town. Maybe this kid will be my new best friend. Or maybe this kid will. |
 | Season 14 / Episode 6: - 201 (Part 2) Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today. Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? Santa Claus: That's right, friends. Stan Marsh: Yeah. |
| Season 14 / Episode 6: - 201 (Part 2) Stan Marsh: Look, Mr. Cruise... I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had Seaman on your back. Tom Cruise: I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me. Kyle Broflovski: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up. Stan Marsh: We do? Oh... Oh yeah, we do! Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet and - Oh... Oh please, can you show me where? Stan Marsh: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there. |
 | Season 13 / Episode 3: - Margaritaville Bank Clerk: How can I help you, young man? Stan Marsh: I got a hundred-dollar check from my grandma and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years. Bank Clerk: Well that's fantastic. A really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a money market mutual fund, then we'll re-invest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaaand it's gone. Stan Marsh: Uh... what? Bank Clerk: It's gone, it's all gone. Stan Marsh: What's all gone? Bank Clerk: The money in your account. It didn't do too well, it's gone. Stan Marsh: What do you mean? I-I have a hundred dollars! Bank Clerk: Not any more, you don't. [Gestures] Poof! Stan Marsh: Well what can I do to get back my... Bank Clerk: [Interrupts] I'm sorry, sir, but this line is for bank members only. Stan Marsh: I just opened an account! Bank Clerk: Do you have any money invested with this bank? Stan Marsh: No, you just lost it all! Bank Clerk: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please! Stan Marsh: [Getting pushed out of the way] Hey! Bank Clerk: Hello Mrs. Farnickel. How are you, today? Making a deposit, are we? Greeeat. We can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone. Mrs. Farnickel: Whaaat? Bank Clerk: Sorry, yeah, it's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please! Stan Marsh: Dad! Randy Marsh: Hey, I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money? Bank Clerk: Oh, Mr. Marsh! D-d-don't worry. We can just transfer money from *your* account into a portfolio with your savings... AAAAAND IT'S GONE! This line's for people who have money with the bank, only, please step aside! |
| Season 13 / Episode 3: - Margaritaville Sharon Marsh: All right, everyone, eat up. Randy Marsh: Aw, Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices? Sharon Marsh: You said we had to be careful with our money! I've got nothing for our food budget! Stan Marsh: Mom, dad? How come there's suddenly no money? Randy Marsh: I'll tell you what happened, son. See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had. They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. People with no money, who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying... Randy Marsh: ...and these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing 'cause they thought money was endless... Randy Marsh: ...even less money coming in. And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending, they were mocking the economy! And they made the economy very angry. We're all feeling the economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money. Do you understand, son? Randy Marsh: Yeah, I think I get it. |
 | Season 12 / Episode 4: - Canada on Strike Kyle Broflovski: You know, I learned something today. Kyle Broflovski: We thought we could make money on the Internet. But while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to an extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media. Stan Marsh: [pause] Yeah. |
 | Season 12 / Episode 3: - Major Boobage Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny. Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life. Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life! Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny! |
 | Season 11 / Episode 1: - With Apologies to Jesse Jackson Stan Marsh: [about what his dad said on Wheel of Fortune] Dude, its okay. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson and he accepted it. Token: Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of black people! |
| Season 11 / Episode 1: - With Apologies to Jesse Jackson Stan Marsh: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist, he's just stupid, alright? He just blurted out the N-word and it's no big deal, okay? Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal Stan. Eric Cartman: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't know how it feels when that word comes out. So don't say it isn't a big deal. Eric Cartman: Oh shit, here we go! It's on! Race War! Race War! Race War! Race war's on everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down! Stan Marsh: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive, just forget about it. Token: That's easy for you to say Stan. Eric Cartman: Yeah, come on, here we go. Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he didn't say it anger or anything like that. Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine. Eric Cartman: Race war, come on! Race war! Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody. Eric Cartman: Token forfeits. Whites win! Whites win! Race war's over everybody! Whites won again! |
 | Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too? Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time! Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft... Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times. Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...? Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests! Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars... Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...? Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow... Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels? Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters... |
| Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Randy Marsh: Stan! Stan! Stan Marsh: Hang on guys, my dad wants something. Randy Marsh: Stan! Stan Marsh: What? Stan Marsh: You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends? Stan Marsh: I am socializing r-tard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG, with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using teamspeak. Randy Marsh: [hurt] I'm not an r-tard. |
| Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Eric Cartman: We've learned the the four of us can't fight him alone, but if we all log in together, we might have a chance. Token: Hey yeah! Jimmy Volmer: We can really stick to that ass... munch. Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him. Not even with all of us, it's a waste of time. Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to try. Clyde: I've got better things to do. Eric Cartman: Clyde, Clyde, if you had the chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't; however, because I think it was awesome, but you would, right? Clyde: I'm just gonna stop playing. Eric Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, a lot of people just stopped playing. And you know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde? Clyde: No. Eric Cartman: Voulez-vous cous chez avec-moi, Clyde? Clyde: Alright, alright, I'll do it. Jimmy Volmer: So what's the plan? Eric Cartman: Alright, log in tonight on your computers at precisely 7:30. We will meet here, near the planes of the Elwin Forest near West Fall. My friends, to victory! |
 | Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs] I ran away from home. Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow. Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets! Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either. Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people! [silence] All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man. Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you. Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead! [leaves] Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad! |
 | Season 10 / Episode 6: - ManBearPig Stan Marsh: [to Al Gore] Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER! Al Gore: [undaunted] Yeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 11: - Quest for Ratings Stan Marsh: You guys, we watched Craig show all night long. Token Williams: Yeah, it was great. Stan Marsh: Yeah, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. I think I know why Craig show gets such great ratings: half the school is high on cough medicines. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 9: - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes Stan Marsh: Jesus Christ... Dad? Randy Marsh: Stan? Stan Marsh: Stan: Dad, oh my God! Randy Marsh: Staaaan! Stan Marsh: What, Dad, are you dying? Randy Marsh: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night. |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes Stan Marsh: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please. Eric Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out. Kyle Broflovski: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart. Eric Cartman: Nu-uh. Kyle Broflovski: Yu-hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something. Eric Cartman: I am not, Kyle! Stan Marsh: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave. Kyle Broflovski: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass. Eric Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart. Kyle Broflovski: [running back] I heard that! Eric Cartman: Heard what? Kyle Broflovski: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart. Eric Cartman: That's not what I said! Stan Marsh: Dude, come on! Eric Cartman: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding! Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to go. Kyle Broflovski: God damn it. Stan Marsh: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman! Eric Cartman: [offscreen] Heh heh, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding! |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes Stan Marsh: Goddamn, that took a long time. Kyle Broflovski: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires! Eric Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 4: - You Got F'd in the A Stan Marsh: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe? Yao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do? Stan Marsh: Yeah. Yao: That's stupid. [He waves Stan off, who keeps up] Stan Marsh: Dude, we need you. Yao: I can't dance without the machine. |
| Season 8 / Episode 4: - You Got F'd in the A Stan Marsh: Your mom said you're the best dancer in the county. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed? |
| Season 8 / Episode 4: - You Got F'd in the A Stan Marsh: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed? |
| Season 8 / Episode 4: - You Got F'd in the A Stan Marsh: Look, Butters. Fighting hard to win, and getting in someone's face, and saying ha ha I'm better than you, that's part of being an American. And if you can't do that, then... you might just as well move to France with all the other pussies. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 13: - Butt Out Stan Marsh: Well, I guess we learned our lesson. Kyle Broflovski: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 11: - Casa Bonita Stan Marsh: Dude it's Kyle's Birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do. Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 9: - Christian Rock Hard Stan Marsh: You don't even know anything about Christianity! Eric Cartman: I know enough to exploit it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 9: - Christian Rock Hard Randy Marsh: [Opens the door to the garage] Stan, are you okay? Stan Marsh: Yeah, dad, we're just rehearsing our band. Randy Marsh: Ooh! I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 7: - Red Man's Greed Alex Glick: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up. Stan Marsh: Dude, who the hell are you? Alex Glick: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. Kyle Broflovski: What? Get the hell out of here! Alex Glick: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe! |
| Season 7 / Episode 7: - Red Man's Greed Randy Marsh: It's important to never quit when you're on a winning streak. Stan Marsh: Winning streak? You won one game! |
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