Kyle Broflovski

South Park

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Matt Stone

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Kyle Broflovski Quotes

	Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Ring Eric Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said. Kyle Broflovski: Well, now we know. Eric Cartman: And knowing's half the battle.
	Season 12 / Episode 13: - Elementary School Musical Kyle Broflovski: What happened, Cartman? I thought you were going to kill yourself. Eric Cartman: I tried. I went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine running. Kyle Broflovski: And you didn't die? Eric Cartman: [sighes] Freaking hybrids, man... they just don't do the trick anymore.
	Season 12 / Episode 3: - Major Boobage Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny. Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life. Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life! Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny!
	Season 12 / Episode 1: - Tonsil Trouble Moderator: I announce that there this is no trace of the HIV in either Klye Broflovski or Eric Cartman. Together these two boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other and overcoming all odds, these two brave friends... Kyle Broflovski: Oh, stop, we're not friends. He's the one who infected me with AIDS! Moderator: ...these two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Imaginationland Episode III (3) Superman: [disembodied voice from above] I know that saving people can be a big responsibility, but no matter what it takes, it's worth it. Kyle Broflovski: I know. Superman: You can do this, Kyle. Now hang on, because Hercules wants to talk to you. Kyle Broflovski: Oh, God. Superman: Yes, God is here, too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Imaginationland Episode III (3) General (Parker, Trey (I)): If I'm not mistaken, you were the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real. So why do you care what happens? Kyle Broflovski: Because I, I...uh...because I think they are real [sentimental music begins] It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he--he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and--and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life--changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around here long after we're dead. So, in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Imaginationland Episode II (2) Eric Cartman: Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun or [pauses] are you just gonna try and focus how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth? Kyle Broflovski: Let's just do it! Eric Cartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball famished? Ball starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment, you're actually... [klaxons blare]
	Season 11 / Episode 7: - Night of the Living Homeless Evergreen Villager: The homeless first started arriving in Evergreen about 3 months ago. At first they were only a few of them, asking for change, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up. And we realized there was something different about them. They fed off of our change to the point that they could actually start renting apartments. We knew it wouldn't be long before the homeless actually started buying homes. And then we'd had no idea who is homeless and who wasn't. People living in the house right next door to you could be homeless and you wouldn't even know. Nobody could trust anybody. Fights broke out, war! That's when I starting suspecting my own wife, who I'd be living with for 20 years, was actually homeless. So I had to burn her, in her bed, while she slept. After she died, I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town. So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. Kyle Broflovski: You son of a bitch! You didn't solve your homeless problem, you just sent all your homeless to South Park! Evergreen Villager: That's right, yes.
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs] I ran away from home. Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow. Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets! Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either. Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people! [silence] All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man. Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you. Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead! [leaves] Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - ManBearPig Eric Cartman: We have to get going. Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we've got school Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school. Eric Cartman: You... got that kind of power?
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - ManBearPig Eric Cartman: [to himself while the others are sleeping] All that treasure. It's all mine! So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it. You would all just love to get your hands on my treasure wouldn't you? Even though I found it, you would love to think it's somehow yours too. God, I hate you guys. [to Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass. [leans in so his face is about half an inch away from Kyle's] Well I've got news for you Kyle. You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going: to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. Kyle Broflovski: [wakes up] C-Cartman? Eric Cartman: [pause] Oh, hey Kyle. How's it going? Kyle Broflovski: Dude, what are you doing? Eric Cartman: Not much. You know, just hanging out. [pause] How you been, man? Good? Kyle Broflovski: Dude, get away from me! Eric Cartman: Yeah, nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [slowly withdraws]
	Season 10 / Episode 4: - Cartoon Wars Part II (2) Trucker: [Dropping Kyle off at the FOX Network studios] I really hope you succeed, kid. I don't wanna see "Family Guy" go off the air. I really like that show. Kyle Broflovski: I'll do everything I can. Trucker: I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it dosen't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know?
	Season 10 / Episode 3: - Cartoon Wars Part I (1) Eric Cartman: How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time? Kyle Broflovski: Uh...
	Season 10 / Episode 2: - Smug Alert! Stan: Kyle, what's going on? Kyle Broflovski: My dad says he can't live here anymore. Stan: Mr. Broflovski, please! Kyle's my best friend! Gerald Broflovski: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Woodland Critter Christmas Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Narrator: Except for Kyle who died of aids two weeks later. Kyle Broflovski: Goddamnit Cartman!
	Season 8 / Episode 9: - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes Stan Marsh: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please. Eric Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out. Kyle Broflovski: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart. Eric Cartman: Nu-uh. Kyle Broflovski: Yu-hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something. Eric Cartman: I am not, Kyle! Stan Marsh: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave. Kyle Broflovski: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass. Eric Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart. Kyle Broflovski: [running back] I heard that! Eric Cartman: Heard what? Kyle Broflovski: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart. Eric Cartman: That's not what I said! Stan Marsh: Dude, come on! Eric Cartman: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding! Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to go. Kyle Broflovski: God damn it. Stan Marsh: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman! Eric Cartman: [offscreen] Heh heh, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!
	Season 8 / Episode 9: - Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes Stan Marsh: Goddamn, that took a long time. Kyle Broflovski: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires! Eric Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Butt Out Stan Marsh: Well, I guess we learned our lesson. Kyle Broflovski: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't!
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Red Man's Greed Alex Glick: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up. Stan Marsh: Dude, who the hell are you? Alex Glick: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. Kyle Broflovski: What? Get the hell out of here! Alex Glick: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - Fat Butt and Pancake Head Kyle Broflovski: Cartman - stop wasting food on your hand - its just coming out her backside! Jennifer Lopez (Hand): When you eat a taco, it comes out your backside too, chulo!
	Season 6 / Episode 13: - The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers Eric Cartman: [Cartman and friends are pretending to be Lord of the Rings characters; they walk by a group of kids playing in a yard] Yes, we shall slay the ringworm, for that is the way of the... Town Kid: I shall put a magic spell on you! Town Kid 2: I have blocked your spell wizard! Kyle Broflovski: What are you guys doing? Town Kid: We're playing Harry Potter! Eric Cartman: Ha! Fags!
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - A Ladder to Heaven Eric Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough. Kyle Broflovski: Huh? Eric Cartman: Heaven could be like the Pixie-Faries of Bubble-Yum Forest: you only see them if you really believe in them. Stan Marsh: What? Eric Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us is a J-O-O...? Kyle Broflovski: [Beat] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything? Eric Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in Heaven! Kyle Broflovski: Yes, we do! Just not the Christian Heaven. Eric Cartman: Right; your idea of Heaven is getting five dollars off your matzoh ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it. Kyle Broflovski: YAAAAAAH! [Punches Cartman]
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - A Ladder to Heaven Carol McCormick: You see, boys, Kenny's in here. [pours out a bit, but the remains are white] Huh? [pours a bit onto her hand] Wait a minute; this is kitty litter! Eric Cartman: All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter. Stuart McCormick: [shocked] You what? Stan Marsh: [shocked] Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny! Eric Cartman: Shut up! Kyle Broflovski: [shocked] You did, dude; you drank his whole body! Eric Cartman: Shut up! Carol McCormick: [almost crying] Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - Child Abduction is Not Funny Mrs. Marsh: Do what you normally would do Kyle Broflovski: You're such a fatass, Cartman Eric Cartman: At least im not a stupid jew Sheila Broflovski: What, What, WHAT?
	Season 6 / Episode 7: - The Simpsons Already Did It Kyle Broflovski: [Explaining their situation to Chef] We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach! Chef: Oh, well that's a situation we'll all have to face sooner or later children. Let me sing a song for you. Kyle Broflovski: Sometimes you kill your teacher, and they find your semen in her... Chef: [stops singing] Chef: wait a minute, WHAT?
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Fun with Veal Kyle Broflovski: [after seeing hippies outside the window protesting for the boys] Dude, those gaywads are on our side? Butters: Oooh, they're all dirty! Eric Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We saved some baby cows from being eaten and now we're no good dirty goddam hippies!
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Towelie Kyle Broflovski: That's it, you're not getting high again until we get our Okama Gamesphere back! Towelie: That's me last J asshole! Kyle Broflovski: I don't care! You better remember where you're base is! Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone ridin me today? God damn it.
	Season 5 / Episode 7: - Proper Condom Use Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [removing a condom from its wrapper] Why, it's just a little donut! [fumbles with it] Oh, it's all gooey! Eric Cartman: Just put it on, Butters! Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: H-How come I gotta go first? Eric Cartman: Butters, will you stop... filibustering! Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, a-all right, then. [turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom] Aw, it's sticky. Kyle Broflovski: [reading from the condom box] It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see. Stan Marsh: Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo! Eric Cartman: I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on! Kyle Broflovski: [sarcastically] Sure! Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something. Tweek: I-I've got rubber bands! [hands them to Butters] Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [fumbles with the rubber bands] Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on! Stan Marsh: How do you feel? Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [pause] Pretty good! Eric Cartman: Do you feel protected? Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. Stan Marsh: All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on. Timmy: Timmah!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Cartmanland Kyle Broflovski: What the hell are you doing, fatass? Eric Cartman: Not much, just taking my one million dollars out of the bank. [holds up a stack of banknotes] Stan Marsh: [short silence] Oh my God. Eric Cartman: Kenny wasn't lying! Eric Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside, I got a purchase to make. Stan Marsh: Dude, can you loan me twenty buks for a new jacket? Eric Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash! Kyle Broflovski: Your grandmother left it to you, you didn't earn it! Eric Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with! The constant smell of aspirin and pee! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Cartmanland Stan Marsh: Dude, you okay? Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

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