Eric Cartman

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Trey Parker
Trey was born in Conifer, Colorado, on October 19, 1969 to 'Randy Parker (I)' (qv) ,a geologist, and ...

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Eric Cartman Quotes

	Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Ring Eric Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!
	Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Ring Eric Cartman: Your girlfriend is a slut, dude. Kenny McCormick: [pause] Woohoo! [he runs off jumping for joy] Eric Cartman: He took it pretty well.
	Season 13 / Episode 1: - The Ring Eric Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said. Kyle Broflovski: Well, now we know. Eric Cartman: And knowing's half the battle.
	Season 12 / Episode 13: - Elementary School Musical Kyle Broflovski: What happened, Cartman? I thought you were going to kill yourself. Eric Cartman: I tried. I went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine running. Kyle Broflovski: And you didn't die? Eric Cartman: [sighes] Freaking hybrids, man... they just don't do the trick anymore.
	Season 12 / Episode 9: - Breast Cancer Show Ever Butters: Eric, what's going on? Everyone's saying you got detention on purpouse to get out of fighting Wendy Eric Cartman: What? That's ridiculous! Butters: But some people think you crapped on the teacher's desk to get out of the fight! Eric Cartman: That's not why I did it! Craig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk? Eric Cartman: Because, I'm hardcore! Y'know, I'm edgy establishment, that's how I roll dogs, I do hardcore stuff like that! Butters: That's what I said! I told everyone outside "Cartman ain't scared of fighting Wendy, he'd do it if he could!" Eric Cartman: Damn straight! I just got all punk rock, and got detention y'know, just a bad dude! Craig: OK, that's good, because we've moved the fight the first thing in the morning tommorow! Jimmy: Before school starts, everyone's gonna get there early! Eric Cartman: Huh? Butters: That way, it won't matter if you get detention Mr Mackey: [in the background] Eric, get your buns back here, mkay! Jimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts, see you in the morning, ch-ch-champ! Wendy Testaburger: [Cartman goes back to the chair he sat on, and finds Wendy knocking on the window] Tomorrow morning, you fucking die tomorrow morning!
	Season 12 / Episode 9: - Breast Cancer Show Ever Butters: [in lunch] Geez, I can't believe Wendy's fighting you after school. Token Black: She is pissed off. Eric Cartman: [confident] She is not gonna show up to a fight, dawg; I'm sure she's already trying to figure out a way to get out of it. Clyde Donovan: Hey, check it out; she's totally staring you down. [Wendy, who looks angry, is staring unblinking at Cartman] She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude; you don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything. Eric Cartman: [getting less confident] Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson; I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass... [Wendy makes a fist with her right hand and punches her open left hand. Cartman starts to get extremely worried] Jimmy: Can't go too easy on her, though; God forbid she gets in a g-good punch and b-beats you. Butters: Yeah; if you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot. [Cartman's confidence plummets and he panics, as all he sees is Wendy's face]
	Season 12 / Episode 7: - Super Fun Time Eric Cartman: Butters, you gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while - and do whatever you want all the time - you can miss it.
	Season 12 / Episode 4: - Canada on Strike Stephen Abootman: [on the video] When you think of Canada, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Eric Cartman: Gayness! [every student in the bleachers laughs] Stephen Abootman: [on the video] That's right - spirit. What is it that makes Canada so important? Clyde: Nothing! [everyone laughs]
	Season 12 / Episode 3: - Major Boobage Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny. Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life. Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life! Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny!
	Season 12 / Episode 1: - Tonsil Trouble Eric Cartman: I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Imaginationland Episode III (3) Eric Cartman: You just rest, Kyle. Look what I made for you. A sundae. It has hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry. But...I feel like something is missing, don't you, Kyle? What else belongs on a sundae besides hot fudge and whipped cream? Hmm...argh...hot fudge, whipped cream, what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle? Tsk, what else goes on a sundae besides hot fudge, whipped cream, and...oh, that's right! My balls.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Imaginationland Episode III (3) Eric Cartman: Look, maybe they're all part of the same thing--Santa and Jesus and hell and leprechauns. Maybe they're all real in the same way, right? Tom: Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary, but Jesus and hell are real. Technician #1: Well then what about Buddha? Tom: Well, of course, he's imaginary. Technician #1: Aw, see? Now, you're being intolerant, Tom.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Imaginationland Episode II (2) Eric Cartman: Well, we're here now. That's all that matters. [places a bowl of nuts on the table] Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right. I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in just a few minutes.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Imaginationland Episode II (2) Eric Cartman: By the way, I should tell you that I haven't had a chance to shower while making my way up here. My balls are [pauses] extra vinegary.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Imaginationland Episode II (2) Eric Cartman: Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun or [pauses] are you just gonna try and focus how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth? Kyle Broflovski: Let's just do it! Eric Cartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball famished? Ball starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment, you're actually... [klaxons blare]
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - Imaginationland (1) Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the Court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubical sac in your mouth and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds. Eric Cartman: Yesss! Judge: You have 24 hours to suck aforementioned balls. If, after that time, you still refuse, the Court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case. [bangs gavel] Eric Cartman: Thank you, Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me. This is a victory for the justice system...and my balls.
	Season 11 / Episode 1: - With Apologies to Jesse Jackson Stan Marsh: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist, he's just stupid, alright? He just blurted out the N-word and it's no big deal, okay? Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal Stan. Eric Cartman: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't know how it feels when that word comes out. So don't say it isn't a big deal. Eric Cartman: Oh shit, here we go! It's on! Race War! Race War! Race War! Race wars on everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down! Stan Marsh: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive, just forget about it. Token: That's easy for you to say Stan. Eric Cartman: Yeah, come on, here we go. Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he didn't say it anger or anything like that. Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine. Eric Cartman: Race war, come on! Race war! Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody. [Token walks away] Eric Cartman: Token forfeits. Whites win! Whites win! Race war's over everybody! Whites won again!
	Season 10 / Episode 10: - Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette? Butters: Uhh... Sure. Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude. Butters: Well I do... Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!
	Season 10 / Episode 10: - Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy Eric Cartman: HALL PASS! Various: Whaa? Eric Cartman: [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW! Various: It's right here! [shows him hall pass] Eric Cartman: Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ. Various: What? You can't just come up to me and... Eric Cartman: [kicks him sharply aside]
	Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Eric Cartman: You can just hang around outside in the sun all day, tossing a ball around, or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters!
	Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too? Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time! Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft... Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times. Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...? Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests! Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars... Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...? Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow... Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels? Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters...
	Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't play world of warcraft... Eric Cartman: Butters, you said that you're on your computer all the time. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, but I'm playing hello kitty island adventure! Eric Cartman: Ugh... Butters, go buy world of warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you! Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: O-oh... Al-alright then!
	Season 10 / Episode 8: - Make Love, Not Warcraft Eric Cartman: [about to get killed in World of Warcraft] No! I don't want have to start over in the graveyard!
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behaviour, m'kay? Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital! Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing? Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole. Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point. Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg. Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty. Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Eric Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco bender!
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs] I ran away from home. Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow. Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets! Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either. Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you. Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore. Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people! [silence] All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man. Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you. Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead! [leaves] Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Nanny Stella: Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you're going to sit on this stool for five minutes. Eric Cartman: [looks around] And what exactly keeps me on the stool? Nanny Stella: It's the time-out stool, you can't get down until the time is up. Eric Cartman: [sarcastic] Wow! How did I do that?
	Season 10 / Episode 7: - Tsst Eric Cartman: What the hell is this? Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad? This is just like Auschwitz!
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - ManBearPig Eric Cartman: We have to get going. Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we've got school Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school. Eric Cartman: You... got that kind of power?
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - ManBearPig Eric Cartman: [to himself while the others are sleeping] All that treasure. It's all mine! So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it. You would all just love to get your hands on my treasure wouldn't you? Even though I found it, you would love to think it's somehow yours too. God, I hate you guys. [to Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass. [leans in so his face is about half an inch away from Kyle's] Well I've got news for you Kyle. You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going: to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. Kyle Broflovski: [wakes up] C-Cartman? Eric Cartman: [pause] Oh, hey Kyle. How's it going? Kyle Broflovski: Dude, what are you doing? Eric Cartman: Not much. You know, just hanging out. [pause] How you been, man? Good? Kyle Broflovski: Dude, get away from me! Eric Cartman: Yeah, nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [slowly withdraws]

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