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	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Episode 48 Burt: Stay calm. Stay calm. Just think... stay calm here. I'll just analyze the situation. One of three things is going on here. Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or... I'm on a spaceship, or I'm crazy. [laughs] I'm dreaming! [laughs] I'm in a dream. This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed. [laughs] It's time to wake up, though. Wake up, Burt! [Aliens enter the room, talking amongst themselves] Burt. Burt! Hey, Burt! Wake up, Burt! Burt! Come on, rise and shine, Burt! [Burt looks over at the aliens nervously] Crazy's looking good here.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - Episode 40 Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: It's pornography. Jessica Gatling Tate: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!
	Season 1 / Episode 19: - Episode 19 Jessica Tate: All my life, people have always believed me. See, I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."
	Season 1 / Episode 19: - Episode 19 E. Ronald Mallou, Esq.: [referring to Danny, Jodie, Chuck-Bob, and Bert] I have for character witnesses Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy, and the Invisible Man.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - Episode 13 Chief of Police Tinkler: [Pointing at Jodie] You too are a suspect. Jodie Dallas: Oh, I can't wait to hear why. Chief of Police Tinkler: Because you're a homo. Benson: That's almost as good as my reason.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - Episode 13 Chief of Police Tinkler: [Pointing at Benson] He's a suspect. Chester Tate: Why? Chief of Police Tinkler: Well, for two reasons. Number 1, because he's black. Benson: [nodding] That's fair.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Episode 11 Jessica Gatling Tate: Chester, what I did was wrong [Jessica's affair with Peter] and I'm not trying to minimize it by saying this, but I mean Chester, what I did for a few weeks, you made into a career [Chester's womanizing] .
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - Episode 10 Barney Gerber: Jodie, did I ever tell you about my wife? I know, you're not in the mood right now to hear stories by old men, but you listen, because it could help. My wife, Jodie, oh-ho, my wife was a wonder. I swear, she was a miracle, Jodie. She used to walk down the street - the whole Bronx would light up. I used to stare at her in amazement, thinking how lucky I was. And after fifteen years, I still stared at that woman in amazement. She was all I needed, Jodie, I had the whole world right there. If I'd died, I could've died happy. The, uh... the trouble was, she died. One day, she wakes up - little lump. Six months later, bing bing. The light goes out on my life. Oh boy. I tell you, I walked around for months, I was doubled over. It was like somebody slugged me! I went through the normal routine of daily living, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom... and in between these three major activities, Jodie, there was... a lot of pain. I never thought 'I'm ever gonna fall in love again', bah. Well, a few years later, I met a redhead. Not like my wife, no. Entirely different. So, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom, and one day... I laughed. One day, I noticed, I laughed. Then another day I hummed. And then soon after... I sang. And well... I married her! Ah, Jodie, if we weren't happy... in an entirely different way, it wasn't better, it wasn't worse, it was... different. There I was, miserable Barney Gerber, happy again. Heh, you see, Jodie? You see how smart I was, I thought 'I'll never love again'. I thought 'I'll never be happy again'. I also thought... 'I'll never have to say goodbye again'. Yeah. Ten years we were happy, Jodie, and then one day... agh, some maniac with bourbon in his blood, something on his mind, runs through a red light... and stops Barney Gerber right in mid-song. Well. That was sixteen months ago. Since then, I have eaten, I have slept. Occasionally, I went to the bathroom, and I... I had a heart attack. So I said, 'Gerber that's all, you're finished, forget it. What, it's never going to happen again! Once was wonderful. Twice was incredible. A third time? Ah, you're kidding yourself. A third time would be asking for a miracle.' But you know something, Jodie? I don't really believe that! If I believed that, I wouldn't be here, in this hotel, letting them sew Dacron into my heart to hold it together. I wouldn't be here, begging my blood to visit my heart at least a few times a day, y'know, to keep it going! I wouldn't be here at all, Jodie, if I didn't believe it could be! A third time! Ah, listen, listen, mein kind, I know that you don't feel so terrific right now. But wait, Jodie. Wait! Someday, I guarantee you... you're going to hear somebody laughing. And you'll turn around... and it'll be you.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap. Jessica Gatling Tate, Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: [after Burt and Chester start a physical altercation] Hey! Stop! [soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]
	Unknown Episode: Benson: You want me to get that? Jessica Gatling Tate: If you don't mind.
	Unknown Episode: Danny: Women can't be gay. Because if men were gay and women were gay they'd cancel each other out.
	Unknown Episode: Mallu: Do you have any secrets. Eunice Tate: No. Benson: Wanna bet? Eunice Tate: No one knows. Benson: I know. Eunice Tate: You're the only one who knows. Benson: Well if I know you never know who else knows. Eunice Tate: You're right. I can't testify. Mallu: I know!
	Unknown Episode: Jodie Dallas: Plato was gay. Jessica Gatling Tate: Mickey Mouse's dog was gay? Jodie Dallas: Goofy was his lover.
	Unknown Episode: Saul: I'm 4064 years old. What do you think I owe it to, a terrific moisturizer?
	Unknown Episode: Jessica Gatling Tate: Billy go get mother... something... Billy Tate: Why can't anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!
	Unknown Episode: Corinne Tate Flotsky: I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother. Eunice Tate: Come on, Corinne you're not allowed to lie. Corinne Tate Flotsky: It's the truth. Eunice Tate: Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead? Corinne Tate Flotsky: That's the one. Eunice Tate: I can't believe it. I mean it took me twenty years to believe she did it with daddy.
	Unknown Episode: Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!
	Unknown Episode: Jessica Gatling Tate: Look, Mary. Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Randolph. Jessica Gatling Tate: That's right. Our brother. Our brother who fathered an illegitimate child with a Swedish maid and then disappeared into the wilds of Ecuador. Don't you find that a little peculiar? Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Jessie, Randolph was peculiar. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not all there.
	Unknown Episode: The Major: Let's synchronize our watches. It's now... 3-ish.
	Unknown Episode: Ingrid Svenson: You think I'm finished? Jessica Gatling Tate: No, Swedish.
	Unknown Episode: Danny: Ah, leave it. It's probably swollen. Jodie Dallas: Danny, this is a couch not a foot. Danny: Same principle.
	Unknown Episode: Jessica Gatling Tate: I hope you realise I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises! (To chester) Except of course for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal. I don't think I can blame him for that.
	Unknown Episode: Dr Medlow: What seems to be the problem? Mary Gatling Dallas Campbell: Burt can't have sex with me. Burt: Great. Why don't you tell the whole world, Mary. Or better yet put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.
	Unknown Episode: Chief Tinkler: Where were you between midnight and 7am? Chuck: I was with Bob here. Bob: Yes he was I can vouch for him. Chief Tinkler: O.K. I can cross you off my list... wait a minute suspect number ten. Bob: And eleven? Chief Tinkler: And eleven.
	Unknown Episode: Announcer: Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!
	Unknown Episode: Mary Campbell: You mean, you're in love with a hooker you haven't even... hooked? Danny: You'd love Gwen. Everybody does. Mary Campbell: That's the problem!
	Unknown Episode: Burt: [about the alien who will be impersonating him] Is he - is he gonna sleep with my wife? Chief Alien Creature: Of course. Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for two hundred years!
	Unknown Episode: The Godfather: [after Danny has left] Just wait until he finds out who killed his father.
	Unknown Episode: Leslie Walker: You're 18. You're a man. I am no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present, and tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.
	Unknown Episode: Burt: Seven of my guys are going to be off today 'cause it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. What really gets me is that I don't think they're all Jewish... two of them are black and one's an Indian.

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