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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
 | Season 9 / Episode 22: - The Clip Show (2) (a.k.a. The Chronicle (2)) Jerry Seinfeld: [In Prison] So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. |
| Season 9 / Episode 22: - The Clip Show (2) (a.k.a. The Chronicle (2)) Jerry Seinfeld: [the conversation from the pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'] See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. George Costanza: Really? Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land. George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before? Jerry Seinfeld: You think? George Costanza: I think we have. Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid Cindy: [in reference to slacking off on her duties] Well, I made the bed. Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, but after you took a nap in it! |
| Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza". Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk? |
| Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid Elaine Benes: [Taking about Jerry's relationship with his maid] Have you gone out? Jerry Seinfeld: Yes! We have! Elaine Benes: Where? Jerry Seinfeld: To the store. Elaine Benes: What, to get cleaning supplies? Jerry Seinfeld: A-and gum! Elaine Benes: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and chewing some gum. |
| Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid Jerry Seinfeld: [phone rings] Hello? Operator: [Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from... Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no! Jerry Seinfeld: [sighs] Accept. |
| Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid Jerry Seinfeld: [Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you? Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is? Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's? Cosmo Kramer: [Looks] No, it's just original. Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's? Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry! |
| Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Maid Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on? Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 18: - The Frogger George Costanza: What are you guys doing? Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him! George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery. Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left. George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria! Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up. George Costanza: I need an outlet! Slippery Pete: A what? George Costanza: Holes! I need holes! Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open. George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist. Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter. George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up! Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left! Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across. George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this. Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself? George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life. |
| Season 9 / Episode 18: - The Frogger Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night. George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard George Costanza: What's that? Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday. George Costanza: How much was it? Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal. George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars? Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today. Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them? George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death. Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy? Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons? George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring! Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what? |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in? [Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator] Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here? Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door. Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment. Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it. Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die. Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet? Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom. Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know? Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way. Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo? Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse. Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against? Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair. |
| Season 9 / Episode 15: - The Wizard George Costanza: Jerry? Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks. George Costanza: What are you doing here? Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?* Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail. Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no. George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail? Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm. George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail? Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak. George Costanza: Well, what about the mail? Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George. George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya. [hangs up] |
 | Season 9 / Episode 14: - The Strongbox George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow? Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern. Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money. Elaine Benes: Very funny. Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors. Elaine Benes: Ha ha. Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern. Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough. George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan". Elaine Benes: Well crafted. [leaves] |
| Season 9 / Episode 14: - The Strongbox Elaine Benes: [Elaine reenters] I forgot my glasses. Jerry Seinfeld: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce! Elaine Benes: Keep 'em. [leaves] |
 | Season 9 / Episode 12: - The Reverse Peephole Jerry Seinfeld: It's not a purse! It's European! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 9: - The Apology Melissa: Would you look at that? Jerry Seinfeld: I can't, I can't look anymore, I've seen too much |
 | Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what? Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought. George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested. Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all! George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else? Elaine Benes: I can't tell you! Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird. Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out? Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me! |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell? Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death. |
| Season 9 / Episode 8: - The Betrayal Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends. Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great! |
| Next: Cosmo Kramer |
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