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 | Season 5 / Episode 7: - My Way Home Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's all green and slimy! Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and... slimy. |
| Season 5 / Episode 7: - My Way Home J.D.: [walks into hospital soaking wet] You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee. The Janitor: Was his name Julian? J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries. The Janitor: That's Julian. |
| Season 5 / Episode 7: - My Way Home J.D.: Doug, why are you hitting me? Doug Murphy: Cause I thought you were a dead person coming back to life. J.D.: Then why were you hitting me? Doug Murphy: Dead people should be dead! |
| Season 5 / Episode 7: - My Way Home Dr. Bob Kelso: I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short . . .calling them all 'Pepe' was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Kelso: Last week I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstones when some kid asked me if I was lost. J.D.: Brookstone. Looking for gadgets sir? Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, sure. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Mrs. Wilk: You are a strange young man, aren't you? J.D.: I was a preemie. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Perry Cox: I'm gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse. Dr. Kelso: Blah, blah, blah, I'm not doing it. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Nurse Carla Espinosa: This picture is happening. The Janitor: No it's not. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh what do you know, mop-jock? |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope. J.D.: What? Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth. J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional. Dr. Perry Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there. The Janitor: Imagine that: I've been working here for 14 years and I guess I don't rate as part of the family. Nurse Carla Espinosa: [surprised] Did you wanna be in the picture? The Janitor: No... it's just... who... it's I... I gotta go. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason. J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet. Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception J.D.: Sometimes when you're feeling guilty it's like a storm could over your head |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: [on her not wanting to be in Sacred Hearts annual staff picture] Yeah, I don't photograph well. On my drivers' licence photo, I look like Gary Busey. Gary Busey: Huh, they say the same thing about me. [chuckles] |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception J.D.: [about Mr. Jenkins] I know, he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie... Mr. Jenkins: Hey! J.D.: Sorry, thought you were napping. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception The Janitor: I've predicted a couple of things over the years. The kitchen fire of '97. The kitchen fire of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the Fry Cook. And of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's "Convicts-to-Cooks" program. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohh, Roland's gonna be mad. J.D.: Oh well. He's 6, what's he gonna do? Kick my ass? J.D.: Again? |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again? J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants. Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate... J.D.: I don't have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let's take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That's how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration... Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night? J.D.: Because she's my patient. Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her. J.D.: And I treated her last night. Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants? J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick... stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we're both attendings, why don't we let her decide who her doctor is? Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life. Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it. J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry. J.D.: Tell her it's a misunderstanding. Dr. Perry Cox: He's tried to kill before. |
| Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her. Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go! Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze! Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged? Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge... Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on! Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold! Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon. Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh. Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor... Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head? Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that? Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television. Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Dr. Cox: Remind me again, why are you having our son baptized? Jordan: Oh what do you care? You're not even going! Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home, so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister Dr. Cox: Oh Jordan please tell me you didn't! Jordan: Oh I'm sorry sweetie. I don't think she'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come. Jordan: How weird would it be if I was like that? |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God J.D.: When is this joyous occasion? Dr. Cox: You're not invited. J.D.: Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it. Carla: I'm going. Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather. J.D.: [whispering] I... am... honored! Dr. Cox: [whispering] I... am lying. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Dr. Cox: Everyone! This is my sister Paige. Paige I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God J.D.: Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me Paige: No J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay! [thinking] Don't cry in front of people Paige: Perry and I don't talk much J.D.: Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family. Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small... Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass. J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore. Paige: Okay, I need to go say hi to Jordan. J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister? Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie? J.D.: Probably the room to room thing. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God J.D.: He's just mad because I didn't help him move. Jordan: Well you should have done it! Helping someone move is like oral sex, you do it once and they owe you for life. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company. Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going. J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay - then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you. Carla: Tyra Banks. Turk: [Hips thrusting] Uhhn. Carla: There. You're ready. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper? Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month? J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor. J.D.: Once a month? That's crazy! Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy J.D.: Oh Cassy's pretty! Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God Turk: Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again. J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk! Turk: J.D.! J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this! [J.D. storms off] Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that! Elliot: You can talk to me if you want? Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something... Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep. Turk: Right. And vagina is...? Elliot: Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo. |
| Season 5 / Episode 5: - My New God J.D.: Morning, sunshine! Dr. Cox: Never say that again. J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today? Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try. J.D.: Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there. Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero. J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face. Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix? |
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