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 | Season 5 / Episode 12: - My Cabbage Dr. Kelso: [talking to the janitor] Do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital? Dr. Cox: [walking by] Your breath? Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital? Dr. Cox: [walking by again] Your breath? Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense. Dr. Cox: [backsteps] Eh... Don't care. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 11: - My Buddy's Booty Elliot: J.D. can't we just go home, put on our pjs and watch Grey's Anatomy. J.D.: Oh, how I do love that show. It is like they have been watching our lives, and put it on tv. |
| Season 5 / Episode 11: - My Buddy's Booty Dr. Perry Cox: You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store. The Janitor: Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hair spray bottle with dog sweat. Dr. Perry Cox: Dogs don't sweat. The Janitor: They don't? Then what the hell am I putting in there? |
| Season 5 / Episode 11: - My Buddy's Booty Jordan: Ohh sweetie. Do you want me to call his Mommy and tell him he's being mean to you? Oh my fwiend is being mean to me waa waa waa! Dr. Cox: nng hmm uh. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II J.D.: You're okay buttercup? Julie Quinn: The glass broke in my month |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Janitor: Wow, she looks like a young Carla |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Carla: Hey Turk, guess what? Turk: She's not a guy honey. And besides Young Carla is a compliment Carla: Really? So how would you feel if I'd say hey it's skinny Turk |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie? J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her? Turk: What are you doing? J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up Turk: I don't understand J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's gonna do great |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Julie Quinn: Did you know, J.D's parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Jordan: Could we go somewhere less collage-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Dr. Cox: Heeello! What we have here is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young: Julie Quinn: Morning. Dr. Cox: The slightly older: Elliot: Please stop talking! Dr. Cox: The slightly older still again: Carla: [gibberish] Dr. Cox: And at last the very, very, very, very old; she is the unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness... [proceeds to shake Jordan in an attempt to wake her] |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Dr. Cox: Joana, now i'm not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me. |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Dr. Kelso: I have it on good authority that she's a dude. Carla: I made that stuff up. Dr. Kelso: In that case, it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero! |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Elliot: Why is Julie behind that bush crying? J.D.: Who knows? Could be anything! You know what's interesting Turk, she's not saying that's so sad. She's actually crying Turk: You're an Idiot J.D.: Yes I am |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Julie Quinn: That's so funny! That's so funny! Look how big that pancake is that's so funny J.D.: [whispering at Turk] Make-her-stop |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Dr. Cox: ...there is not such thing as a perfect person... |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Turk: If you found someone to make you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all the other stuff won't matter |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Dr. Kelso: People think I'm a clueless old geezer but nothing happens in this hallways without passing by me |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II J.D.: You used to be afraid of commitment, too. Then somehow you got over it and now you're married. Turk: That's because I was never as bad as you. J.D.: Oh, really? Remember Whitney "The Snapper"? Turk: Ahhhhhhhhh! [flashback to Turk in college dorm room with attractive girl] Turk: Thanks for paying for dinner. Whitney: And for dessert, you're gonna get a little Whitney [snaps] a- [snaps] la- [snaps] mode! Turk: [makes horrified face] Get out. |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Her Story II Turk: [being introduced to Julie's godfather, Billy Dee Williams] Lando Calrissian! Billy Dee Williams: Call me Billy Dee. Turk: Yes, Lando. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre J.D.: I know I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reasons for that Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality. J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones... J.D.: But words will hurt forever |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Julie Quinn: It's so late, I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie! Hi! Elliot: I was Elliot. |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Jordan: What are you guys talking about? Elliot: Well J.D has this... Jordan: Already bored. |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool? Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man. Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss. Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy. And I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head. Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye! Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack's hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing! Jordan: You're crazy! |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him? Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla! Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what? Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son. Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you? Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years. |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Carla: I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is. Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me it won't sound sincere. Carla: He won't care. Mrs. Wilk: Dr Cox, you're amazing. Dr. Cox: It's just my job. |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Lonnie: Dr. Cox, would you help me with a centeral line. Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape. Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox! Lonnie: Is he gone? No? Hello? |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Patient: I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness. Carla: Don't worry, he will figure out another way to treat you Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won't! |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I need you to volunteer to speak at the clinical care conference this weekend Turk: Yeah... I don't see that happening Bobby. Dr. Kelso: Excuse me? Turk: It's not like you're the king around here. |
| Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Half-Acre Carla: So what's the deal, cranky pants? Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much. Carla: Yeah, I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years. Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father. Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You'll get there. Dr. Cox: You don't know anything. |
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