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 | Season 4 / Episode 2: - My Office J.D.: [after Elliott removes a sign with her fingers that he couldn't with a crowbar] She has fingers like biceps. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it! Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything - eve - everything that exists - past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Elliot: It's so strange feeling all alone when like a month ago I was part of this really tight group, you know? Dr. Clock: Yeah. I had tons of friends at my old hospital. Elliot: I gotta meet some new people. Dr. Clock: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight? Elliot: Can't. I'm hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt! |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Carla: Dr Cox, can i borrow you for a minute? Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart you are rescuing me. Newbie you're on your own- get used to it |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Cox: I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life. J.D.: What the hell was that? Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford. Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything. J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle. Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his. I'll see ya. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend J.D.: Why the giant X? Janitor: Why the stupid face? J.D.: Touché. Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down. J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Elliot: I'm sorry. Look, um... You wouldn't understand. Dr. Clock: No, I get it. I mean, you're feeling lonely, you're feeling rejected. I mean, most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help. Elliot: Who's Johnny? Dr. Clock: You know, he's a resident, he's got like gelled-up hair, and he and his friends are in a motorcycle gang? Elliot: I knew it! Dr. Clock: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone's boxing you out, but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Carla: That's what I think of your scooters! No more bugs in my teeth! No more helmet head! No more making deals with God every time a truck passes me on the freeway, okay? It's over! That's it! [she storms off] Turk: What the hell just happened? Dr. Kelso: You got married, Turkleton. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Clock: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy? J.D.: Hmm, no. Dr. Clock: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn't you both work harder? J.D.: Nnoo! You're like a crazy person! Dr. Clock: I'll tell you something else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. I mean, you can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug that you really want. J.D.: Uh, excuse me, I'm not a child. I'm a doctor. [thinking] And i'll get that hug! |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Clock: So where were we? J.D.: Er... we weren't talking Dr. Clock: Was it cause of something you did cause i'm totally over it. I don't even remember what it was J.D.: No i mean like, we've never talked Dr. Clock: How do i know your name then? J.D.: You don't Dr. Clock: You're freaking me out Jimmy J.D.: It's Johnny [thinking] Why would you say Johnny. You hate Johnny |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Cox: [when Turk and JD huged each other after Turk just came back from his Honeymoon] Oh wo, wo. What do we have here? The newlyweds... oh and hey Carla. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat! [to Jordan] Sweetheart, do you remember ours? Jordan: The silly fighting for control! Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw! Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early. Come on, glass jaw. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Clock: Hey! Do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'Cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person Elliot: Oh, my gosh! I do that! Dr. Clock: No way! Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food. Carla: Where's your food? Dr. Clock: Oh, shoot. [she hops up again] Carla: Look, Elliot, we'll do something later this week, just the two of us. Elliot: Okay Dr. Clock: [returns with a tray] Oh, that is not my food. But I'm not getting up again. Elliot: Oh, I wouldn't. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early. Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the 'nude' and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds. Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early" - it's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'. Elliot: I am not depressed, sir. In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today! Mr. Blass: [singing] "All by myself. Don't wanna be all by my - " Elliot: Oh, shut up! Dr. Clock: Did you just tell my patient to shut up? 'Cause that seems not very doctory. Elliot: No. I mean, I said it like all those high school girls do in the mall, like, "Oh, shut up!" I should go. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend Dr. Cox: Good God, Fantasia. You - you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. Oh, and, uh, don't be late tomorrow... Doctor. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend J.D.: Whether or not you survive in a hospital is all about how you handle your relationships. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - My Old Friend's New Friend J.D.: When you get back from surgery we'll play scrabble again and this time I'll beat you. Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you'll beat her, son, she's having half her brain removed. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 22: - My Best Friend's Wedding J.D.: See, Turk and I made a pact. The day that one of us got married we'd play a last round of tennis-golf in the parking lot as single best friends. Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddy for the other guy naked |
 | Season 3 / Episode 21: - My Self-Examination Turk: Oh my God! My future brother-in-law is an evil genius! |
| Season 3 / Episode 21: - My Self-Examination J.D.: How does it go? You're out of luck in the soup department? Larry Thomas the Soup Nazi: No soup for you! |
| Season 3 / Episode 21: - My Self-Examination Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Cox [Dr. Cox looks up] Why is your mouth red? Dr. Perry Cox: Duct tape, 2 hours in a morgue drawer, don't piss off the janitor, end of story. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Okay, I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops? Dr. Perry Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about. Dr. Bob Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms, we need some more clicky tops. Dr. Perry Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms. Dr. Bob Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me? Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob, everybody gets the same. Dr. Bob Kelso: Fine. [sees a box of clicky top pens] I'll just take these. [reaches for pens, Dr. Cox knocks the pens off the counter] You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms! Nurse Carla Espinosa: You just said you don't care. Why are you fighting? Dr. Perry Cox: I can't stop. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 20: - My Fault Sean Kelly: Its just it's so hard to make myself look for an apartment when I'm sharing my bed with the most beautiful girl in the world. J.D.: really? What's his name? J.D.: [thinking] that made absolutely no sense. So just keep sipping! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 19: - My Choosiest Choice of All J.D.: You don't enjoy hanging out with me, do you? Danni Sullivan: Not really, I'm more into tough guys, you know? J.D.: Last night in bed I knocked you unconscious. Danni Sullivan: For like 5 seconds. |
| Season 3 / Episode 19: - My Choosiest Choice of All J.D.: How could you do this to me? Elliot: Do what? J.D.: I don't know, come over to my house, sleep with me and the dump me the minute Sean shows up so I'd feel like a complete loser. Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed, I mean, you jumped into bed with Danny so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets. J.D.: You know I only have one set. |
| Season 3 / Episode 19: - My Choosiest Choice of All J.D.: When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you made. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 18: - His Story II Bratty Kid: Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants. Bratty Kid: The other clown wears baggy pants Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What other clown? The Janitor: [Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Janitor. |
| Season 3 / Episode 18: - His Story II Lonnie: Mr Miller passed away and I thought that since I'm kind of new of this, you could notify his family. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What, you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work? Lonnie: Dr Cox said if you said that to say that's right, Melinda. |
| Season 3 / Episode 18: - His Story II Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over. The Janitor: [Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh] |
| Season 3 / Episode 18: - His Story II Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling? Dr. Perry Cox: I'm just glad you finally ended up on my side of the camp. Dr. Miller: I'm an adult, I don't go to camp. Listen, if Dr Kelso was going to take me somewhere which was actually going to help my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest. Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. That dress your wearing just screams respect me as a doctor. |
| Season 3 / Episode 18: - His Story II Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three? Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions. Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later. |
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