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 | Season 9 / Episode 12: - Our Driving Issues Dr. Bob Kelso: Anyway, I got a little bit light-headed, so we're going to run some tests. Dr. Christopher Turk: I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I uh... I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was... well, it was diabetes. That's a bad example... |
 | Season 9 / Episode 4: - Our Histories Dr. Cox: [J.D. and Turk are dancing in costumes. Dr. Cox stares interested. When they stop] Please tell me this is just an intermission, 'cause I don't want this show to ever end. J.D.: Why are you here, Perry? Dr. Cox: To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing, but mostly to laugh at two desperate guys on an iceslide to an irralivant middle age. J.D.: Well, not only have we been lettin' them know... [turns to turk] Is that the right expression? Turk: [mumbling to J.D] Yeah that's right, lettin' them know. J.D.: [to dr. Cox again] we've been lettin' them know, by doing the cabbage patch, the running man and the capoera. Turk: That's right, that's brazzilian dance fight! In your face. Dr. Cox: [looking around] Where's the jackass? [whissles for attention] Jackass! Come! Cole Aaronson: What up? Dr. Cox: Now you are the host of this party and to some extend the voice of your generation and while I sadly acknowledge that heralds the coming apocalypse I do value your opinion on one thing in particular. Cole Aaronson: Woaw... You're like shakespear, jo. Dr. Cox: I am. I am like shakespear, jo. Now look around the room really quick and tell me the five lamest people that you see. Feel free to start with me. Cole Aaronson: [points at dr. Cox] One: old. [points at Ted] two: bald and shiney. [points at Kelso] three: Superold. [points at security guard] four: checked out my jug at the urinal. and... [points at unknown guy] five: as weird junk, number four told me. Turk: We didn't make the list. J.D.: Nope, we didn't. Turk: You've just been served. J.D.: Yeah and you know what? We're going to rub it in your face a little bit by doing some brazilian fight dancing. Five, six, seven, eight [start dancing and J.D. kicks Turk accidentically in the face and Turk falls down] Dr. Cox: That was outstanding! J.D.: [voice over] Sometimes reality takes the form of a kick to the head... Cole Aaronson: SOrry bros. You've just been brougt to the numbers one and two of my lame-list. J.D.: Why I think Turk should be numer one cause he appears to be bleeding. [while Dr. Cox makes a photo of Turk lying there you hear J.D. his voice]... Other times it gets right up in your grill. |
 | Unknown Episode: John Dorian: It's never good to live in the past too long. As for the future, thanks to Dan, it didn't seem so scary anymore. It could be whatever I want it to be... Who's to say this isn't what happens? And who's to say my fantasies won't come true just this once? |
 | Season 8 / Episode 17: - My Chief Concern Dr. Elliot Reid: Why would you torch Denise? You know her confidence is shot. Plus the other day you said you liked her. And I know you were just kidding around but you never said you liked me, even as a joke. Dr. Perry Cox: I like you. Dr. Elliot Reid: [touched] Really? Dr. Perry Cox: No. Dr. Elliot Reid: Nicely done. Dr. Perry Cox: Thank you. |
| Season 8 / Episode 17: - My Chief Concern Jordan Sullivan: [to Ted] Hey, Sweat stain! How's it going with your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies? Ted Buckland: Oh we're having sex like all the time. Dr. Bob Kelso, Nurse Carla Espinosa, Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Elliot Reid: [disgusted] Oh! Ted Buckland: Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex? Dr. Bob Kelso: You try it! Ted Buckland: [horrified] OH GOD! Dr. Bob Kelso: Not a pretty sight is it? |
 | Season 8 / Episode 14: - My Soul on Fire (Part 1) Ted Buckland: [about Elliot singing] I feel like you raped my soul. |
| Season 8 / Episode 14: - My Soul on Fire (Part 1) Dr. Todd Quinlan: Cardboard five! |
| Season 8 / Episode 14: - My Soul on Fire (Part 1) Jordan Sullivan: The only thing better than going on vacation without our kids is going on vacation without our kids and you're too busy to spend time with me. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 10: - My Comedy Show Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Face it, Turk. It's a bro-mance. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 9: - My Absence Denise: Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack. Dr. Elliot Reid: Plus, they're just so grateful afterward. |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - My Absence Dr. Perry Cox: ...And that, Dorian, is what I think of you as a person. [Hands Elliot back her cell phone] Dr. Elliot Reid: That sounded harsh. Are you okay? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [On speakerphone, crying] No! |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - My Absence Dr. Elliot Reid: I thought it'd be different this time with JD. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable. Dr. Bob Kelso: Well that's dumb! Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy,god knows why, isn't that enough? |
 | Season 8 / Episode 8: - My Lawyer's in Love Ted Buckland: [singing "Don't Fear the Reaper" with a cappella band] Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr Cox's office. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Elliot: [whispers] J.D., someone's in the house! J.D.: [yells] Turk, get out of here! Turk: Pull that piano crap on me? [scoffs] Please! |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Elliot: Turk, I need some help with J.D. Turk: OK, you guys are back together. I get that. It's great. You're a fit. I just don't want to get caught in the middle again. Elliot: [with street accent] Well, you shoulda thought of that before you jacked my cookies! You're in. Turk: [sotto voce] stupid sweet tooth... |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants J.D.: Hey! Elliot: Hi. J.D.: Why'd you put my Piano Mat here? Elliot: I was here all day all by myself, and I got a little freaked out, so I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm. J.D.: That's catchy. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Turk: Now we are ready to close the incision. Are there any questions? The Janitor: [Dressed in scrubs and gloves] I don't think you're doing it right. Turk: Get out of here! The Janitor: Can I just touch the heart? |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Denise: Don't worry, a lot of people are scared of needles. You're just the first one without a vagina. Denise: [Outside] Did you know he was a priest? J.D.: Yes, I did. See you tomorrow. If I don't, I'll just assume demons dragged you down to Hell and chewed your face off. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Dr. Perry Cox: Bob, what are you doing here? Are you sick? Dr. Bob Kelso: No, but thank you for your concern. Dr. Perry Cox: No, you misunderstood me. I was being hopeful. [Crosses fingers] Are you sick? |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - My Cookie Pants Jordan Sullivan: If you don't fix this, so help me, I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man parts until your eyes pop out. Dr. Bob Kelso: Twenty years ago, I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here. Jordan Sullivan: And I would have loved it. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. Elliot Reid: I wonder if they found a new head of medicine yet? The Janitor: Actually, they found one this morning. Oscar the Grouch: All right, you knuckleheads! Shape up! I'm watching you, John Dorian, and guess what? My eyes never close! The Janitor: Mine neither. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [back to reality] I grew up on the street. Not the hood. Sesame Street. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think I see what the problem is. You have a hand inside of you. A.M. Muppet: That explains so many things. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Will you stop teasing my beard? Chicks dig the extra fuzz. Grover: Tell me about it. And you've only got it in 2% of your body. Hey, what's up, everybody! Can I get a high four? Dr. Todd Quinlan: Coming at ya! Grover: Near... [Todd high-fives Grover so hard he flies across the room and into a wall]... Far. [Faints] Dr. Todd Quinlan: Grover five. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. Perry Cox: Since you're not that intelligent, I'm going to speak like a caveman from now on. You bad doctors. Me good doctor. You follow. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. Perry Cox: Why do I hate that intern? Nurse Carla Espinosa: Because he called you Dr. C? Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I find that endearing. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the day"? Dr. Perry Cox: No. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Did he say "back in the hizzay"? Dr. Perry Cox: No. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Does he like Hugh Jackman? Dr. Perry Cox: You suck at this. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - My ABCs Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And then I realized why I thought about Sesame Street all day. In a way, you can learn everything you have to know from watching it as a kid. Like, always play nice... always try your hardest... and even, it's okay to cry. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 4: - My Happy Place Dr. Christopher Turk: OK, so I'm going to add a little pressure now, sir. Dr. Christopher Turk: It's all right. It's perfectly natural. Patient: That was you. Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I know, But it's still perfectly natural. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 2: - My Last Words Jordan Sullivan: Can we go? Cougars only drink free 'til 9:00! Dr. Taylor Maddox: What about MILFs? Jordan Sullivan: Oh, I'd forgot I had kids. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 1: - My Jerks Ed: If you diss someone and they in turn burn your ass, then you must RECOGNIZE! |
| Season 8 / Episode 1: - My Jerks Dr. Taylor Maddox: [looking into Ted's briefcase] Hey... Home come all you have in there is a smiley face button and a revolver? Ted: Well one's in case I get sad, and the other is in case I get really sad. |
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