Dr. Christopher Turk

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Donald Faison

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Dr. Christopher Turk Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 4: - My Happy Place Dr. Christopher Turk: OK, so I'm going to add a little pressure now, sir. Dr. Christopher Turk: It's all right. It's perfectly natural. Patient: That was you. Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, I know, But it's still perfectly natural.
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - My Bad Too Dr. Christopher Turk: Her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner. Dr. Bob Kelso: You got Brinner? Daamn Turkledawg!
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - My Identity Crisis Dr. Christopher Turk: [about Carla's Dream] That is a weird dream. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, i don't even like waterparks... I mean i did 'til someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me. Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friends junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour... felt like i got pistol-whipped!
	Season 7 / Episode 1: - My Own Worst Enemy Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface? Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It's Beardfacé. Beardfacé! Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour. Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course, then you'd be Dr. Face. Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face. Dr. Beardface: Damn you all! [storms off] Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair.
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - My Conventional Wisdom Dr. Christopher Turk: How are you doing? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me. Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh no, that was bigger than a bomb, more like an asteroid about to hit the planet, you know? People running in the streets screaming "Oh my god, it's coming right at us!", and then dudes turning to hot chicks and being all like "Look, we're about to die so can I hit that?", and then the girls like "Hell to the no!", but then she realizes, "Oh my god, I'm about to die, so you know what? Yeah you can hit this, but no kissing." Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's exactly what it's like!
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - My Conventional Wisdom Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Say I was too nervous to hit on that girl over there what advice would you give me? Old M.C.: Bust a move. Dr. Christopher Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on and I'm too shy to get down, what should I do? Old M.C.: Bust a move. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You're awesome, man, what are you drinking, we'll buy you one. Old M.C.: Bust a move.
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - My Conventional Wisdom Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't? Dr. Kim Briggs: That's probably a question I should answer more face to face after the lecture. [stammering] Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir. Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] How did he get over there so fast? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [out loud] You're a good friend. Dr. Christopher Turk: I got your back. Dr. Kim Briggs: [breathing deeply] Anyone else have a question? Yes you i-in the back. Old M.C.: Bust a move! Dr. Kim Briggs: Really more a statement than a question, but thank you.
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - My Conventional Wisdom Dr. Christopher Turk: So when the conference starts, I pretend to choke, and you say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" It's going to kill. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yeah, but don't really choke, 'cause that wouldn't be funny.
	Season 6 / Episode 19: - My Cold Shower Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm not upset about Elliot. Dr. Christopher Turk: You both have had a history together. Nurse Carla Espinosa: You two have had more ups and downs than Ross and Rachel on Friends. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I'm nothing like Ross. Dr. Perry Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - My Fishbowl Dr. Perry Cox: [Carla tells bad joke] You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at just how unfunny that actually was. Nurse Carla Espinosa: So what, I'm not funny? Dr. Perry Cox: Why I think you're very funny... WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in you wheel house. [Dr. Cox begins walking through the room] Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck; your husband does it when he's sarcastic. Dr. Christopher Turk: Ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do. Dr. Perry Cox: The Janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane The Janitor: [walks by with tiny boots that look like they are for a baby on his hands] I made shoes for my bunny. Dr. Perry Cox: [walks over the J.D] And Alice here, well she can turn a phrase. and I'm assuming because I called you Alice you're thinking of me as the maid from the Brady Bunch. [Dr. Cox appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch then looks at J.D] Aren't ya? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: He was. Dr. Perry Cox: Now some people just have funny names, for instance, Dr. Beardface, Dr. McHead, Colonel Doctor, and of course Snoop Dogg intern. Snoop Dogg Intern: [grabs his white coat] Hey, Hey. Dr. Perry Cox: My bad, Snoop Dogg resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the Hospital Sad sack. Ted Buckland: I am? Dr. Perry Cox: Yes Ted. Ted Buckland: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Dr. Perry Cox: And me I'm just funny because I commit C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... [makes the notion of sipping tea] -TEA. And I also do silly rants. But there is just one man who is funny, no matter what he says. Dr. Bob Kelso: [Kelso enters] Are my undergarments made of wool because my WEASLES getting heat stroke? Dr. Perry Cox: The point is please don't tell anymore jokes. Ted Buckland: I'm not a sadsack am I? Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ted, your pen exploded! Ted Buckland: [looks at his shirt with a large blue stain on it] Awwwwww [looks at is blue hand on his head] AWWWWWWWWW!
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - My Therapeutic Month Dr. Christopher Turk: [while in J.D.'s new apartment] [looks up at the ceiling fan] Awesome ceiling fan. Nurse Carla Espinosa: [switches to Turk getting a cast on his arm back at Sacred Heart] What happened? Is everything all right? Dr. Christopher Turk: It was a TOTALLY un-avoidable accident! Dr. Christopher Turk: [J.D. does his thing when he looks up to a flashback] [turk is playing the classic hand game while sticking his hands in between the blades of the fan] Check out the cool moves! Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: That's awesome! Dr. Christopher Turk: You wanna see awesome? Turn it up! [J.D. turns around to turn up the fan, and then a loud thud is heard and he sees Turk is stuck on the blades and is flying around the room] Dr. Christopher Turk: Whoa! Turn it off! Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch falls off] This thing came off! Dr. Christopher Turk: AUGHHHHHH! Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [switch back to present] He was a beautiful black blur.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - My Musical Patient #1: My stomach hurts. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo. Patient #2: Sprained my ankle. Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo. Patient #3: I was shot. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] Check the poo. Delivery Man: A homeless guy spit poo in my eye! Dr. Christopher Turk: [singing] Check the poo. Delivery Man: Mine or his? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [singing] First him, then you.
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - My Mirror Image Carla: [J.D. tells Carla, Elliot, and Turk that Kim is pregnant] I'm sorry J.D. but you knew this could happen when you had sex. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to tell you guys something but you have to promise not to laugh. Ok? [Carla, Elliot, and Turk agree] Ok, on the night of said conception, ah, Kim and I nude-ed up, and um, the dirty talk began and I got a little over excited. Dr. Christopher Turk: Oooh, She like a the dirty talk! Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going. But I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices. Dr. Elliot Reid: He does. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anywho, there was some unexpected friendly-fire, and uh, even though I never got a chance to enter the, the village, ah, there was an air strike on one of the outlying regions. Dr. Christopher Turk: [Turk yells excitedly and Carla pulls his ear to stop him] Thank you. Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Anyway, I talked to the gals in O.B.G and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration. Dr. Christopher Turk: What your trying to tell us is that you never actually had sex with her? Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: , I didn't have a condom. [Muffled giggles from Turk, Carla, and Elliot] And ah, we decided not to have sex because, here's the kicker, I didn't want to get her pregnant. [Carla, Elliot, and Turk break out in hysterical laughing]
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - My Extra Mile Dr. Christopher Turk: The aliens are here... and they're wearing track suits!
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - My Extra Mile Dr. Munson: Ok ok, so you're both fertile yet you're still unable to conceive, so. How often to you make love? Dr. Christopher Turk: Twice today... Carla: Actually it was three times. [looks at Turk] You were asleep for the last one. Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams. Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there. Dr. Christopher Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless. Dr. Munson: Ok, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue? [flashback] Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight... no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time. [back to presence] Dr. Christopher Turk: A little stress [Carla gestures a "tiny bit" with her fingers]
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - My Extra Mile Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots. Dr. Elliot Reid: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding. Dr. Christopher Turk: Ricky Morgan? Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm-hmm Dr. Christopher Turk: He works in the cafeteria. Dr. Elliot Reid: [shocked] What?
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - My Extra Mile Carla: How was your first stress-free day? Dr. Christopher Turk: Horrible. And you? Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself. Dr. Christopher Turk: [looking extremely shocked] Not helping with the stress.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - My Big Bird Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends. Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: I should have just believed Mr Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason. J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet. Dr. Christopher Turk: Carla didn't know that story, thank you.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - My Missed Perception Dr. Elliot Reid: Frick, it's Mrs. Peele. One of us has to talk to her. Dr. Christopher Turk: All right, the first one who chugs their slushie is off the hook. Come on, here we go! Dr. Christopher Turk: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Owww! Brain Freeze! Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged? Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Mrs Peele. We really can not judge... Dr. Christopher Turk: [screaming] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Dr. Elliot Reid: [embarrased, to Turk] Come on! Dr. Christopher Turk: It's so cold! Dr. Elliot Reid: Mrs Peele, even though Dr Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry flavored bawl he's a fantastic surgeon. Dr. Christopher Turk: [giving her the thumbs up, still in pain] Uh-huh. Dr. Elliot Reid: He didn't find anything and I am a great doctor... Dr. Elliot Reid: - and I didn't either. Don't you think that, maybe, the pain could all be in his head? Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were watching TV and he was in too much pain to get up and use to bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that? Dr. Christopher Turk: [normal again] Maybe there was a really good game on television. Dr. Elliot Reid: Probably not.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - My Jiggly Ball Keith: Nailed it! J.D.: Good job man! What did you say? Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now. Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh! Keith: What? J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow. Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible. Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter. Keith: That man knows he's doomed! J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some from of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice. Keith: What was the middle one? J.D.: Deadsies.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - My Jiggly Ball Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia! Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option. Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap! [Holds his hand up to J.D] Gimme some! J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is. Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love? J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room] [to Turk] You would make a pretty girl. Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah. Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me... Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty." Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"? Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back] [Into phone] Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery. Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this? Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces? Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - My Jiggly Ball Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors. Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does. Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that! Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are. J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk. Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - My Jiggly Ball Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot. Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped. Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it? Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him? Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women. Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby! Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond. J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents! Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me. Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning! Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim! J.D.: Why do you have to go there? Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots. J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - My Jiggly Ball Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone. Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud? Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name! Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things! Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official. Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot! Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - My Rite Of Passage Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital? Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrasing her Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarras her? Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, i lot of women suffer from that Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, i even had it
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - My Rite Of Passage Dr. Christopher Turk: How do i know this guy? Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him? Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow! It's good! Dr. Perry Cox: I'm tired
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - My Rite Of Passage Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor Keith: [Keith walks by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilirious Dr D Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - My Rite Of Passage Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver. [Thompson does so] Then he goes right to the Look Away. [Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder] He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain! [Thompson's body shudders] And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear [mock cries and leads the applause]... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre! Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this. Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - My Rite Of Passage Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here? Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh [wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles] ! Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts. Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir. Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before... Sam Thompson: Hey, dude! Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her? Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to! Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.

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