Saturday Night Live Quotes

Saturday Night Live

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

Saturday Night Live Quotes

	Season 35 / Episode 4: - Gerard Butler/Shakira Weekend Update Anchor: Starting Monday, Seven Eleven will begin testing a new plastic wrap designed to keep bananas yellow and firm for five days. Though if your banana remains firm for more than five days, call a doctor immediately.
	Season 35 / Episode 3: - Drew Barrymore/Regina Spektor Larry King: You know who's weiner I'd like to know more about? The great Hal Holbrook.
	Season 35 / Episode 2: - Ryan Reynolds/Lady Gaga Jeff Sessler: Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I'm like: Can I come? And they're like: No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!
	Season 35 / Episode 1: - Megan Fox/U2 Dawn: You friggin' just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head, you know what? You stood up for yourself and I fuckin' love you for that.
	Season 34 / Episode 22: - Will Ferrell/Green Day Harry Caray: Hey, don't jerk me around, Seth. It's a simple yes or no question: If the Predator monster promised he wouldn't kill the other players, would you put him in the game? Weekend Update Anchor: No? Harry Caray: Good call, Seth. I mean, I think eventually his hunter instincts would be too hard to resist.
	Season 34 / Episode 21: - Justin Timberlake/Ciara Mom: Honey, who do you think is cuter: Rabbi Renaldo or Champ Crawdaddy? Various: Who? [uses her Mom Celebrity Translator] Oh, you mean Ryan Reynolds or Chase Crawford. Yeah neither, I like Jake Gyllenhaal. Mom: Who? Various: [voice over] It even works backwards. Various: [having used her Mom Celebrity Translator backwards] Sorry, Joe Geronimo. Mom: I love Joe Geronimo. He was so good in Breakdance Fountain.
	Season 34 / Episode 21: - Justin Timberlake/Ciara Zachary Quinto: I mean, do you think they're going to like the film? Leonard Nimoy: Well, to not like it... Weekend Update Anchor: Oh, I know what you're going to say. "To not like it would be illogical." Leonard Nimoy: No, I was going to say, "To not like it would make them dickheads."
	Season 34 / Episode 20: - Zac Efron/Yeah Yeah Yeahs Seth Myers: Developers this week introduced the Puma, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, safe and clean way to show people that you're a rich weirdo.
	Season 34 / Episode 20: - Zac Efron/Yeah Yeah Yeahs Various: Here's what's hot and what's definitely not in theaters now. Fast and Furious? I wish Vin Diesel would take a fast walk into a furious wood chipper. Bitch, please!
	Season 34 / Episode 20: - Zac Efron/Yeah Yeah Yeahs Seth Myers: Angie, I thought you were going to review movies. It seems like you're just boiling them down to snide comments. Various: [after a beat] Nice tie.
	Season 34 / Episode 20: - Zac Efron/Yeah Yeah Yeahs Various: The Hannah Montana movie? I'd move to Montana if it meant I could get away from that stupid movie. Oh bitch, please! At least it's scarier than The Haunting in Connecticut. What's scary about Connecticut? Loosing your tennis racket at Pottery Barn? Og bitch, bitch please!
	Season 34 / Episode 20: - Zac Efron/Yeah Yeah Yeahs Seth Myers: Angie, maybe it would be more helpful if you told us why you didn't like these movies. Various: I can't. Seth Myers: Why not? Various: I haven't seen them. Seth Myers: You haven't seen them? Various: Um... bitch, please!
	Season 34 / Episode 18: - Tracy Morgan/Kelly Clarkson McEntire: Boy, you better watch yourself, or you're gonna find yourself sideways on a prison bathroom floor. McIntosh: Yeah, you'll be tasting a variety of liquids all right, but you ain't gonna be drinking 'em out of no glass. The only thing you'll be swishing around in your mouth is penis noir.
	Season 34 / Episode 17: - Dwayne Johnson/Ray LaMontagne Date: Ok, someone clearly needs help. Lighthouse owner: You're right, you're right. We should organize a search party. I'm gonna check underneath that dress. Date: I don't like your double entendre's... I love them. And I don't care if there are whales down there, 'cause the only whale in here is gonna be you wailing on my fanny.
	Season 34 / Episode 17: - Dwayne Johnson/Ray LaMontagne Cathy: Frustration squiggle!
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Kiki Deamore: [thick Spanish accent] Do you know, working with Blaine on this book was a passion project. Blaine Bagby: Literary passion, not sexual.
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Bjork: Greetings, Snarf. How is your skeleton? Seth Meyers: Um... good? How is your skeleton? Bjork: It's itchy!
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Bjork: Right now, Iceland gets all of its revenue from three sources: Fishing, Dragons and Screaming.
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Seth Meyers: So, how can your country rebound from this collapse? Bjork: First we should change our currency. Instead of using paper money, I think we should pay for things with clouds. Seth Meyers: Yeah, I'm starting to think you're not the most qualified person to talk about Iceland's economy. Bjork: Oh snarf!
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Seth Meyers: [addressing Kellog's in 'Really!' segment] Also I checked out your website. Did you know you have a recipe for Desert Nachos? And then you make Cookie Straws to drink the left-over milk out of the waffle cereal you also make? Every one of your products sounds like a wish a Genie granted at a Phish concert. I mean, really!
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Seth Meyers: Oh, and parents, if your kid says 'Michael Phelps smokes pot, why can't I?' just say "You can, right after you win twelve gold medals for your country."
	Season 34 / Episode 16: - Alec Baldwin/Jonas Brothers Seth Meyers: If you're at a party and you see Michael Phelps smoking a bong, and your first thought isn't "Wow, I get to party with Michael Phelps," and instead you take a picture of him and sell it to a tabloid, you should take a long look in the mirror, because you're a dick! I mean, really!
	Season 34 / Episode 15: - Bradley Cooper/TV on the Radio Jason: Hey, how's the on-line dating going? Bradley: Good, but you know, it can be a little weird. Cause everybody exagerates, you know. It's... like I went to hook up last week at this hotel, so I check in, there's a knock at the door, and it's like this 50 year old black guy. [his friends all groan] Bradley: Yeah, and he's pissed. He's like, starts yelling at me. You're not a body builder, you're a liar. And I'm like: I'm a liar? What about you? You're not a twelve year old boy.
	Season 34 / Episode 14: - Steve Martin/Jason Mraz Billy "The Gun" Van Goff: They called me 'The Gun' for two reasons. One: I had the best arms in the league. And the second reason was: I always brought a gun on the field.
	Season 34 / Episode 13: - Rosario Dawson/Fleet Foxes Aladdin: Ok, look, Dr. Greenberg said that we had to spend one romantic evening together per week, so why don't we, you know, just get this over with? Jasmine: [shocked] I wish you could hear yourself right now. Aladdin: Well I wish I was dead! But guess what? I already used all my wishes!
	Season 34 / Episode 13: - Rosario Dawson/Fleet Foxes Carla da Funkee Conduktah: Riznatch, tell our new friends about the power of books. Riznatch the readin' Raccoon: [rapping] With a book you can do most anything, it has a hundred uses that you'll hear me sing: you can wear it like a hat, you can swing it like a bat, you could use it as a tail, you can throw it in the air. Riznatch the readin' Raccoon: You can dance on it, you can dance on it, you can dance on top of a book!
	Season 34 / Episode 12: - Neil Patrick Harris/Taylor Swift Liza Minnelli: [to Penelope] Look, Tomato and I wanna hit the town. Girls night out, Sex and the City style. [breaks into 'New York, New York']
	Season 34 / Episode 11: - Hugh Laurie/Kanye West Seth Myers: Same sex marriage supporters urge people to skip work by 'calling in gay' on Wednesday as part of 'Day Without A Gay'. I thought about doing it, but I do not want to use up all my gay days.
	Season 34 / Episode 9: - Tim McGraw/Ludacris/T-Pain Arianna Huffington: The good news is that politics is sexy again. And I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so... I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it's pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place, totally unprotected, there's a big surge, we don't pull out, it's disgusting!
	Season 34 / Episode 9: - Tim McGraw/Ludacris/T-Pain Bill Clinton: And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the last thing I want to do... is screw Hillary.

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9… 16 17 next »

» Back to Saturday Night Live TV Show