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Characters: #2 of 10 (Full List)
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 | Season 29 / Episode 9: - Elijah Wood/Jet Dana Jean Harley: [Ad for the 'Country Roses' CD] If I told you once, I told you Twenty-five Times, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY HUSBAND'S PENIS! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, PAM SMIDLEY! Announcer: And Pam Smidley. Pam Smidley: [Petrified look on face] I'm runnin'; I'm runnin' from an angry woman, runnin' from Dana Jean Harley. |
| Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck Announcer: "Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it? Salma Hayek: Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida". Announcer: "Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek. |
| Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck Announcer: On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia. Salma Hayek: Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"? Salma Hayek: No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism. Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check. |
| Season 28 / Episode 15: - Jennifer Garner/Beck Announcer: Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: RenÈe Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our... Salma Hayek: Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"! Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order. |
| Season 17 / Episode 18: - Sharon Stone/Pearl Jam Announcer: Ladies and gentleman: Jerry Seinfeld. Himself - Host: Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thank you. Thank you, very much. That's exactly the way I feel. Exactly. I'm very happy to be in New York. It's my favorite place in the world to be, I love everything about New York, I live here, I am New York. LaGuardia is my favorite airport in the world, because I like my runways as short as I can get 'em. And I also enjoy that nice body of water right past the edge of the runway. That's a nice touch, isn't it? I think they're thinking of putting some piranha in there. It's really the only way we can improve the take off area. LaGuardia of course as you know, named after the ex-Mayor of New York, Fiorello H. LaGuardia , and I'm sure that was quite an exciting day in his life when he got that noose. They probably said to him, "you know, Mayer, we've been doing a lot of thinking, and we've decided we're naming the airport after you". And he probably went "really? Which one?" And they went "LaGuardia. Right up on the grand central". [hits his head] "Oh, yeah". |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - Cicely Tyson/Talking Heads Announcer: [voice over] Join us next week on 'Frontier Midwife, when Frontier Midwife delivers her own baby. |
| Season 3 / Episode 16: - Michael Palin/Eugene Record Announcer: This is Don Pardo, the voice of a thousand faces. Good night... |
| Season 3 / Episode 12: - O.J. Simpson/Ashford and Simpson Announcer: [voice over during end credits] This is O.J. Pardo. The O.J is for Only Joking. Goodnight... |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Hugh Hefner/Libby Titus Announcer: Join us next week for "Escape From the Planet of the Gays" |
| Season 2 / Episode 5: - Steve Martin/Kinky Friedman Announcer: And now, 'Weekend Update' with Chevy Chase! Chevy Chase: [on the phone] No, you're not supposed to blow on it - that's just an expression. Chevy Chase: I have to go. [hangs up the phone] Good evening! I'm Ron McKuen. |
| Previous: Himself - Announcer | Next: Himself - Bandleader |
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