Lamont Sanford

Sanford and Son

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Played by:

Demond Wilson

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Lamont Sanford Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 11: - Aunt Esther Has a Baby Fred G. Sanford: There's somethin' on TV I really want to see tonight, Son. It's a very sad episode of "The Six Million Dollar Man." Lamont Sanford: Aw, Pop. Fred G. Sanford: But it is, Son. Y'see, the Six Million Dollar Man becomes outdated, so they donate his vital organs to a used car lot in El Segundo.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - Aunt Esther Has a Baby Lamont Sanford: I'm gonna call the police! Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, tell 'em we were robbed by a gang of weirdos! Lamont Sanford: Why do you say they were weirdos? Fred G. Sanford: Who else would steal Esther's picture?
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Carol Lamont Sanford: Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to Aunt Esther. You know she's got that whiplash and that's very painful. Fred G. Sanford: How did she do that, anyway? Lamont Sanford: Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck, and she got hit from the rear. Fred G. Sanford: Well, how could you tell? Both ends look the same to me.
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - Committee Man Lamont Sanford: You took $6,000 in coins to the bank? That's unbelievable! Fred G. Sanford: You tellin' me? If there had been a bus to Europe I would've had the exact change.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Stakeout Lamont Sanford: Pop, you were never on the Harlem Globetrotters! Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I was. You just don't remember, because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters, you were slam dunking in your diapers.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - California Crude Lamont Sanford: What's for breakfast? Fred G. Sanford: What would you like? Lamont Sanford: Well, I'd like to have some eggs, and some toast and some coffee. Fred G. Sanford: Me too. We're havin' Pop Tarts and Tang.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Camping Trip Lamont Sanford: Now give me a match so I can start a fire. Fred G. Sanford: You don't need no matches to start no fire. All you need to do is rub two pieces of wood together. Now go over there and rub your head upside the tree.
	Season 5 / Episode 23: - Sergeant Gork Fred G. Sanford: Hello, son. Roger and I were just having a little talk. Lamont Sanford: Yeah, I heard all about it, "Major." Cyanide capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt. Fred G. Sanford: Hurt? Lamont Sanford: Hit by flying bull.
	Season 5 / Episode 21: - The Director Lamont Sanford: [Fred enters the rehearsal in flamboyant director's outfit, beret, sunglasses, etc] I don't believe it. Fred G. Sanford: Believe it, son. It's the Otto Preminger look.
	Season 5 / Episode 20: - The Engagement Man Always Rings Twice Fred G. Sanford: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? Lamont Sanford: No, it certainly wasn't, considering this is the first time Janet's been over here for a meal catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor. Janet Lawson: I never thought I'd like soul enchiladas.
	Season 5 / Episode 19: - The Escorts Fred G. Sanford: [wearing a snazzy zoot suit] Look, son, do I look like somethin' that stepped outta Esquire? Lamont Sanford: No, you look more like something that was kicked out of El Segundo.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - Lamont in Love Lamont Sanford: Is this gonna be one of those conversations about the facts of life? Fred G. Sanford: Yes. Lamont Sanford: Whetre you tell me about the birds and the bees? Fred G. Sanford: No. I want you to tell me about the bids and the bees, 'cause I ain't been stung in years.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - The TV Addict Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells him to turn off the TV and get some exercise] Exercise? Lamont Sanford: That's right, exercise. You know, like push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups. Fred G. Sanford: Why don't you try some shut-ups?
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - The TV Addict Lamont Sanford: [to Fred] You're an addict, Pop. You're a TV addict, Jack. You got a peacock on your back.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Fred Sanford Has a Baby Fred G. Sanford: Listen, I am the big biz whiz of Watts. Lamont Sanford: You're the big biz whiz of Watts, huh? Fred G. Sanford: Allow me to introduce myself: J. Paul Ghetto.
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford Lamont Sanford: You are Scrooge. This is just like that story, 'Christmas Carol'. Fred G. Sanford: What the Dickens are you talking about?
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford Fred G. Sanford: I'm kinda sleepy, son. Lamont Sanford: Naturally, you've been over-resting.
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] We'll travel on the clouds, above the stars in the sky. Fred G. Sanford: Unh-uh, I ain't smokin' any of that stuff.
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - Ebenezer Sanford Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford. Fred G. Sanford: That's me? All alone, no son, no friends? Lamont Sanford: And do you know why? Fred G. Sanford: No deodorant?
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special. Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"? Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - My Fair Esther Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face. Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son Bubba Bexley: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father. Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute... Bubba Bexley: The Dumb son. Lamont Sanford: Hey Bubba? Bubba Bexley: The Ugly Sister-in-Law. Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it sucka! Bubba Bexley: And the stupid bungling friend. [Looks at Grady] Grady Wilson: [Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Steinberg and Son Fred G. Sanford: [Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers. Lamont Sanford: I'm afraid to ask what it's called. Fred G. Sanford: It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman Fred G. Sanford: What's that I smell? Lamont Sanford: Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris." Fred G. Sanford: Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman Lamont Sanford: That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you. [Kisses Fred on cheek] Fred G. Sanford: [Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - The Older Woman Lamont Sanford: Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner? Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Headache Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man! Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case. Lamont Sanford: What? Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you. Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache. Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss? Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about? Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - My Brother-in-Law's Keeper Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen. Fred G. Sanford: Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Golden Boy Lamont Sanford: [Chastising his father for getting taken in by a con man] Pop, how could you do any kind of business with Yerby, man? Anybody that goes door to door selling encyclopedias printed in crayon is deranged.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Once a Thief Grady Wilson: [Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont] How come he went to prison? Lamont Sanford: Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime. Grady Wilson: [Turning to Herman] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there? Herman: Committing it.

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