Roseanne Quotes

Roseanne

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 9 / Episode 24: - Into That Good Night (2) Subtitle: [displayed on screen during the final scene] "Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible."
	Season 9 / Episode 24: - Into That Good Night (2) Roseanne Conner: A lot of times, "nerds" are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drummer.
	Season 9 / Episode 24: - Into That Good Night (2) David Healy: [Mark and David are reading their fortune cookies] Mark, I think I got yours: deep thoughts run shallow.
	Season 9 / Episode 24: - Into That Good Night (2) Roseanne Conner: [closing monologue] Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I've found it's all around you. Take Leon for instance... Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He's the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk's Club... Then there's Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn't get too creative there... A lot of kids have called my son a nerd but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum... My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish mom hadn't either. I wish she had made different choices. So I think that's why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman... Oh yeah, and she's nuts... My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She's been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her. I guess Nancy's kind of my hero too... Cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don't know what happened to that husband of hers but in my book I sent him into outer space... When Becky brought David home a few years ago I thought, "This is wrong!" He was much more Darlene's type... When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky... I guess I was wrong. But I still think they'd be more compatible the other way around. So in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it... I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him... Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own. And we did. We didn't hit our children as we were hit, we didn't demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider's standards or another's. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one's who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing's really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything's solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Segal wanting to fight the whole world. For a while I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn't even get out of bed till I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man. But then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason. And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn't like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don't work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.
	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Roseanne: [Dan's mom is back from the mental hospital and is trying to kill Dan for putting her there. Roseanne is wrestling her on the ground] Audrey, what happened to you out there in California? Did you have one too many frozen mocha frappachinos?
	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Roseanne: The doctor said she was fine. Dan Conner: No, he said she was fine as long as she keeps taking her medication, maybe she stopped.
	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Dan Conner: Somebody closed the garage door. Roseanne: Like... the wind? Dan Conner: Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.
	Season 9 / Episode 21: - The Truth Be Told Howard Morton: [about D.J.] What's wrong with him? Roseanne Conner: Nothing. Howard Morton: Must be the haircut.
	Season 9 / Episode 10: - Home is Where the Afghan Is Beverly Harris: And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first! [looks shocked at what she just said] Darlene Conner-Healy: [after several reaction shots] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself! D.J. Conner: Oh God! [covers his face] Nana Mary: I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.
	Season 9 / Episode 10: - Home is Where the Afghan Is Roseanne Conner: You know what really just fries me? Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls you know... you you paint our fingernails, tell us to always cross our legs and act like little ladies... you're like "don't ever act too smart cause you might not get a man!" and now here you are sitting there, my right wing, conservative, Republican mother... is a great big old lezbo! Leon Carp: [off Bev's reaction; raises glass] Welcome to the club, Bev! Scott: [off Bev's reaction; also raises glass] We'll teach you the secret handshake
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti Mark Healy: You change your clothes 8 times a day? Astrid Wentworth: On average. Jackie Harris: We don't have 8 changes of clothes total. What're we going to do? Roseanne Conner: I watched that Martha Stewart, we'll be fine.
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti Jackie Harris: Mommy's playing football, and mommy's kicking butt!
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti Roseanne Conner: Now you won't have to take all those pills. Doris: I won't? Roseanne Conner: No, women who yell don't need pills. Men invented pills to shut women up.
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti Roseanne Conner: Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'. Doris: I am... Roseanne Conner: Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'. Doris: I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word? Roseanne Conner: Yes you do, Doris, because that's the most important word. Doris: I'm not taking any crap from anyone. Roseanne Conner: That was good but are you serving tea, Doris? get mad and say it. Doris: [louder] I'm not taking any crap from anyone! Roseanne Conner: Good, now personalize it, make it your own. Doris: [louder] I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!
	Season 9 / Episode 8: - Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti Roseanne Conner: Maybe if you'd yell you wouldn't have to drink all the time and start foreign wars. Doris: We don't start wars, we just profit from them. Grandmama Lily: Oh honey, we start them.
	Season 9 / Episode 6: - Pampered to a Pulp Roseanne: Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!
	Season 9 / Episode 5: - Someday My Prince Will Come Roseanne: [to Jackie] Dating's just like hunting: you get lucky, you go home early.
	Season 9 / Episode 4: - Honor Thy Mother Roseanne Conner: I am going to get my pores shrunk down to nothing, Jackie. I'm gonna get pounded and beaten to a pulp by some hidious old Korean masseuse. I'm gonna get my chakras opened, my kundalini's awakened; I'm gonna do Jappa on my Malla, then I'm gonna find my channels, merridians, and my "G" spots, and after that, look here, I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations 'cause you can loose sixty pounds per time. Jackie Harris: Well, I am gonna get waxed and wrapped and buffed and filed and soaked and steamed and purged and peeled 'til there is not one single original cell left in my body, and then, I am gonna go out and find a guy with pecks to knock on... and I'm gonna start knockin'!
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - What a Day for a Daydream Beverly Harris: You know, now that we have this money, I don't have to be a Democrat anymore!
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - What a Day for a Daydream Audience Member: I want to say, that you people are living proof, that God takes care of children, and fools!
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Millions from Heaven Leon Carp: To know what God thinks of money, one only has to look at those, to whom He has given it.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Call Waiting Roseanne Conner: My marriage is not based on me listening!
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Call Waiting Jackie Harris: [to Roseanne] I didn't invite her. I left a window open, she just flew in.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Call Waiting Mark Healy: Mr. Conner knows that you're not ready to go home yet, so he'd like to meet you on neutered territory.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - Call Waiting Beverly Harris: [Jackie has told Bev about the lottery ticket she bought] Well, its nice you can still dream since reality has been so unkind.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Roseanne: You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out. Roseanne: I think they turned out great Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids! Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother! Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did. Dan: You didn't throw away a thing. Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Roseanne: Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother? Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people! Roseanne: Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration? [the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor] Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things! Dan: You are a controlling bitch! [he flips the coffee table over] Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV] Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - - Roseanne: What? Say it. Dan: Nothin' Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]

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