Roseanne

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Roseanne

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Roseanne
Roseanne Barr, one of America's funniest comedians, has another side that not many people have seen. ...

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Roseanne Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Roseanne: [Dan's mom is back from the mental hospital and is trying to kill Dan for putting her there. Roseanne is wrestling her on the ground] Audrey, what happened to you out there in California? Did you have one too many frozen mocha frappachinos?
	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Roseanne: The doctor said she was fine. Dan Conner: No, he said she was fine as long as she keeps taking her medication, maybe she stopped.
	Season 9 / Episode 22: - Arsenic and Old Mom Dan Conner: Somebody closed the garage door. Roseanne: Like... the wind? Dan Conner: Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.
	Season 9 / Episode 6: - Pampered to a Pulp Roseanne: Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya bitch!
	Season 9 / Episode 5: - Someday My Prince Will Come Roseanne: [to Jackie] Dating's just like hunting: you get lucky, you go home early.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Roseanne: You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out. Roseanne: I think they turned out great Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids! Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother! Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did. Dan: You didn't throw away a thing. Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Roseanne: Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother? Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people! Roseanne: Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration? [the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor] Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things! Dan: You are a controlling bitch! [he flips the coffee table over] Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV] Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - - Roseanne: What? Say it. Dan: Nothin' Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Morning Becomes Obnoxious Joe Matthews: Roseanne, your appearance on the show this morning, it was - fantastic! I mean, your whole "opinionated, blue-collar outlook" people just loved it! Roseanne: Oh! See Dan! All these years, everybody thought I was a "bitch", but what I had - was an "opinionated, blue-collar outlook".
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Morning Becomes Obnoxious Cindy Kenner: [chiperly] Hi, I'm Cindy. Roseanne: [shakes her hand] Hi, I'm Roseanne. Cindy Kenner: Say, could I possibly get a little bit of Pellegreno? Roseanne: You could, if I knew what the hell that was. Cindy Kenner: [chuckles with a condescending attitude] Sorry, I forgot where I was. Roseanne: You were inbetween asking me for a drink, and getting punched in the face.
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Morning Becomes Obnoxious Cindy Kenner: [recording] Today we've come to the litte town of Lanford, to ask some local resaurant people the question that's on everyone's lips this election year: 'Is beef back?'. Roseanne: [on the sideline, to Jackie] Does she have to think up all these questions every single day? When does she find time to not eat? Leon Carp: [looking terrified] Is beef back? Here at the Lunchbox, located on route 9, just half a mile south of Hanging-Back Caverns, we serve beef, to our customers... So beef is good... And - and remember: Le-on recommends le-en. Cindy Kenner: [embarrassed, Leon covers his face and runs off-camera] Okay!
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - Morning Becomes Obnoxious Cindy Kenner: [interview with Roseanne] Hi. Is beef back? Roseanne: Well, I just want to say that the only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it. Cindy Kenner: Okay! But, um, doesn't a fatty diet, I mean, won't it make you fat? Roseanne: So... A lot of people are fat, you know. In fact, I think more American women look like me than you, you know. Yeah, but when you watch TV, there's like no fat people on there or anything, like, when I watch that show "Friends", you know, that has all those whiny girls that are nothing but hair and bones, you know, and like, I watch them and they're like drinking those triple expressos and stuff and I'm just like "Hey! Go for the muffins!" Roseanne: [Cindy tries to pull the microphone away from Roseanne] It kinda bugs me, you know, because uh, you know, I feel like, hey, I - I eat the same amount of food that they eat, I just don't puke when I'm done.
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Another Mouth to Shut Up David Healy: I'm ok, I guess... It's kind of interesting having all your life's major changes happen all in one day. Roseanne: Yeah, I think I can pretty much relate to that... I remember this- one Tuesday they cancelled Cardsharks, and, uhm, they introduced the chocolate chip cookie dough icecream the very same day. Wow!
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - We're Going to Disney World (1) Becky: Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation? Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky, played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson, will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited. Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there! Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
	Season 8 / Episode 13: - The White Sheep of the Family Darlene: What's wrong with this family. Roseanne: Your father and I are really brothers.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Leon Carp: [having a bad case of cold feet with the wedding] What if I am not even really gay? Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson. Leon Carp: Oh yeah! Well you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbara Streisand. And for God's sake I'm a Republican! Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men? Leon Carp: Well it's... Roseanne: [interrupt with a shout] Gay! Leon Carp: Oh yeah? Leon Carp: [plants a huge kiss on Roseanne] I'm gay. Let's do it.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Leon Carp: Roseanne what is all this? Roseanne: It's a gay wedding! Leon Carp: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just, roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Oh, Leon's told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me. Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Roseanne: This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip. Nancy Bartlett: Oh great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn. Roseanne: [to Scott] We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.
	Season 8 / Episode 11: - December Bride Scott: [to Roseanne] Let me see that check. [dials the phone] You really shouldn't have to... Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come-and-Go Motel, last time you and your husband were here you left some of your private garments here and... you haven't? Well aren't you a 20-year-old busty blonde? Oops, my mistake. [hangs up] Roseanne: He stiffs me out of a tip and you wreck his whole marriage? This is great, I've got other checks, let's do more.
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Roseanne in the Hood David Healy: Mrs. Conner, have you seen this book? This is everything you need to know about your baby. Roseanne: I don't need a book, I watch Kathy Lee. All I want is a book that'll teach my kid to kick her Cody's ass.
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Roseanne in the Hood Jackie Harris: How! How did you get stuck! Roseanne: By my boobs! They folded down on the way up, then they locked - like those toggle bolts!
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Roseanne in the Hood Jackie Harris: [panicing] I will - I'll get you out! I will get you out! Just - I - I know! I - I'll turn on the stove, and then the metal in the vent will expand. Roseanne: [hysterically] I'm standing on the stove! It's amazing to have your head stuck in a vent, and still not be the stupidest person in the room!
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Roseanne in the Hood Roseanne: [a new diner has opened up across the street and it has a salad bar] A salad bar! Huh. Well obviously they're not from around here. This is - this is a loose meat kind-of-a town. We are not some California tofu-eating, nordic-tracking freaks that wanna live past 50!
	Season 7 / Episode 24: - The Birds and the Frozen Bees Roseanne: We're white trash, and we will stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Happy Trailers Jackie: [laughs] What was that? Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms. Roseanne: I like her!
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Happy Trailers Roseanne: [to D.J] Son, I am going to punish you so hard that they're gonna throw a benefit concert for you.

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