Jackie

Roseanne

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Played by:

Laurie Metcalf

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Jackie Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Ballroom Blitz David: [Jackie is upset because she just got divorced] Come on, Jackie, who wouldn't want to go out with you? Jackie: That's easy for you to say, you little frizzy-haired Pollyanna. You talk to me after a year of marriage. After you've taken up smoking just to shave a couple of years off your miserable life.
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Happy Trailers Jackie: [laughs] What was that? Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms. Roseanne: I like her!
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - My Name is Bev Police woman: [about Jackie's Mom] Here's her mug-shot Seargent. Jackie: Oh - my - God. Can I get those in wallet size?... Jackie: [Roseanne takes her mother out of the police station]... So if you can't give me the picture, can I just get the numbers off the bottom, 'cause I want to play the lotto.
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - My Name is Bev Jackie: [Roseanne and Jackie accompany their mother to her first A.A. meeting] Well, I always wondered what an A.A. meeting looked like. Roseanne: Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - My Name is Bev Jackie: My God, I can't believe, all these years, Mom's... a drunk. Roseanne: Yeah, you think she woulda been more fun.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Rear Window Jackie: So, they're like, really old? Roseanne: Well, let's just say they don't have trouble remembering where they were when President Lincoln was shot.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Rear Window Jackie: So they're like, totally naked all day? Roseanne: Well... sometimes he wears a hat.
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - Don't Ask, Don't Tell Nancy: [about a bar she and girlfriend Sharon want to go to] I don't think you'd have such a great time. Jackie: Sounds like fun. Nancy: It's a gay bar. Jackie: Okey-dokey. Roseanne: Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay. Nancy: Well, it might! Friday is convert-a-hetero night.
	Season 6 / Episode 18: - Don't Ask, Don't Tell Jackie: Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay? Roseanne: Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.
	Season 6 / Episode 17: - Don't Make Room for Daddy Jackie: [looking at Jackie's baby through ultra-sound] Look at the little feet, and the spine. And what's on its head? It looks like it's wearing a little cap. Roseanne: Ohhhhhh, thaaaat's what happened to the condom.
	Season 6 / Episode 17: - Don't Make Room for Daddy Jackie: [upset] That is a legal document. Fred is suing me for custody of my baby! Roseanne: Oh my God. You're kidding me! Jackie: [hysterically] No! It's all right there! He wants my baby! It's not even born yet, he - he's suing me for custody of my stomach!
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Be My Baby Jackie: Mom, um, I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I got pregnant. And I'm not gonna marry him! Jackie: [chuckles] I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl, I'm naming it Gidget.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Be My Baby Roseanne: [upset that Roseanne didn't let Jackie tell their Mother that she is pregnant] Well I - I just wanted to soften the blow. Jackie: But I didn't want this blow to be soft. This was the one! The one! This was the moment I've been waiting for all my life! This one coulda killed her! Roseanne: Jackie, if you believe in reincarnation at all, perhaps this is not the perfect time to kill Mom, if you know what I mean.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - A Stash from the Past Jackie: Look at me, I've got nothin'. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family. It's just me. It's just me and my ganja.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - A Stash from the Past Jackie: [Jackie is stoned and laying the bathtub] Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Jackie: [Darlene asks Jackie to tell Roseanne for her, that she wants to go away to school] Alright, I'll do it. But when you're a famous writer, I want you to dedicate your first novel to your incredibly brave Aunt Jackie, who's brutal death made this book possible.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Jackie: Well, you go to a dental college, have a student work on it. Roseanne: Yeah, but with my luck, I'll get somebody who's in on a football scholarship.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Jackie: [shouts] You can't go screaming at Darlene! Roseanne: [shouts] I sure can! If I don't start screaming at her, then she won't have no idea why she's getting strangled!
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Roseanne: [crying into a tissue] I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie? Jackie: [tenderly and softly] Nooooo. You're a great mother! You're loving, and protective. You're like one of those mother lions in the nature films, that carries her babies around by the back of the neck. 'Cept sometimes ya get a little rough, and you rip their heads off.
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - Promises, Promises Jackie: Okay, twenty minutes 'till the movie, let's go. Roseanne: Okay, hold on, um, because I want you to wear my coat with the big pockets, so we can sneak in our own drinks. Jackie: Why don't you wear it? Roseanne: [groans] Oh, they're on to me.
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - Promises, Promises Jackie: Gawd! Now I'm losing men to lesbians.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Wait Till Your Father Gets Home Roseanne: [their father has just died] That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list. Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne! Roseanne: Jackie... dial! Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning. Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it! Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore... I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No! Dead!... Dead!... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! Jackie: [hangs up] I am not doing that again, you can't make me!
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Wait Till Your Father Gets Home Jackie: [to the funeral home director] Before we go on, I just want you to know that I'm feeling very irrational right now. I'm likely to buy anything that you show me, and I'm also very likely to take out a gun and blow your head off if I think you're taking advantage of me... so I would play me very carefully.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Stand on Your Man Jackie: [In the diner, kidding around about Dan] Is this creep giving you trouble, Roseanne? Roseanne: Yes. He keeps insisting he's my husband, and he won't leave!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places Jackie: You should have seen it, Darlene, people were shoving loose meat in their faces as fast as they could get their hands on it. Darlene: Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table, and let them gnaw 'til they're full.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Mommy Nearest Jackie: [Dan is drooling over the check his Mother-in-Law gave Roseanne] She's just trying to buy us, Dan. Can't you see that? Dan: Yeah, I think she hit my price... Actually, she coulda had me for half.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Secrets D.J.: [besides playing video games] There's nothing else to do. Jackie: Aw, sure there is! When your Mom and I were your age, kids used to ride their bikes all over, and build tree forts, and dress up dogs in funny clothes... all kinds of stuff. D.J.: Fine. I'll go outside if I have to. Roseanne: Dress up dogs? Jackie: Yeah, the little white dog with a black eye. Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was "The Little Rascals"!
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Secrets Roseanne: [on the phone with Crystal, trying to plan an evening out] Crystal, well we're supposed to go out tonight... I can't believe you've known about it for a week, and you still haven't even found a babysitter yet... Well, there's got to be some responsible teen-age girls out there. Let me ask Becky or Darlene. Maybe they know somebody... Okay, I'll call you back later. Bye. Jackie: Can't find anybody she trusts, huh. Roseanne: Nope, she might have to end up leaving them kids with her husband.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Secrets Jackie: [about having to live on a very tight budget] It - it - it could be done. I was watching this National Geographic special on desert people. Bedouins can live for three days on one fig. Roseanne: Well, that don't do me no good. My family can't live three days on one Bedouin.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Secrets Jackie: [talking about what happened at the Lobo] One of the drivers I work with was there. He said Mark got really drunk. He put his hand through the jukebox, and Dan had to go down there and smooth everything over. Roseanne: So, thaaaat's what's going on. I kneeeew I was busting Dan's chops for somethin'! I just didn't know what.

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