Darlene

Roseanne

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Played by:

Sara Gilbert
Sara Gilbert was born on January 29, 1975, as Sara Rebecca Abeles at St. John's Hospital and Health ...

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Darlene Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Another Mouth to Shut Up David: [Darlene suggests that she and David get married] Oh my God! David: [they kiss, pause] Wait a minute, ah-ha, okay; now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right? Darlene: [cheerfully] Nope! Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Another Mouth to Shut Up Darlene: [in shock] Pregnant? You mean like... pregnant? Darlene: Yes David, you knocked me up. David: How? When? Darlene: When? Disney World! David: Oh my God! You mean that night after the fireworks? Darlene: Well, either that or it truely is a magical kingdom.
	Season 8 / Episode 18: - Disney World War II (2) Darlene: My brother and my boyfriend on the Dumbo ride and me without a camera to throw at them.
	Season 8 / Episode 13: - The White Sheep of the Family Darlene: What's wrong with this family. Roseanne: Your father and I are really brothers.
	Season 7 / Episode 16: - Sisters Roseanne: [Becky and Darlene are sniping at one another] Okay, so that's enough. Now, we have a wonderful, loving family, and you two little bitches are not going to ruin it. You're gonna be loving, caring sisters, just like me and Jackie. Darlene: Fine. Darlene: [to Becky] I'll sleep with every guy in town and you can gain 400 pounds.
	Season 7 / Episode 16: - Sisters Becky: Bitch. Darlene: Skag. Becky: Nice hair. Darlene: Nice life. Becky: Go to hell. Darlene: Go to the mall.
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - My Name is Bev Darlene: [Darlene starts to leave the house, Roseanne demands her to get back in the kitchen where Beverly is making cookies] No way! You said David and Becky weren't going to be here. You didn't tell me I was gonna have to spend the afternoon baking with "Drunken Hines".
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt. Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Darlene: [nicely says 'Hi' to Jackie, turns to her mother and snarls] What are you doing here? Roseanne: Well, it's Parent's Day, and your birth mother, Morgan Fairchild, couldn't make it.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Roseanne: [to Darlene's boyfriend, when Darlene smokes in front of her] And you taught her all this, didn't you, ya sweaty little freak. I oughta just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pockets so you can hear my kickin' your butt. Darlene: Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Snoop Davey Dave Dan: [Dan and Roseanne find out that Darlene has used drugs] Darlene, your Mother and I are going to have to think long and hard about what to do about this. Roseanne: You are not going back to school! Darlene: What! Roseanne: That's it! End of discussion! Dan: Well, we thought about it, and we've decided you're not going back to school.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Snoop Davey Dave Darlene: [Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use] Oh, come on, Dad, do you really think what I did was that bad? Dan: Yes. Darlene: Give me a break. You grew up in the '60s, I've seen the photo albums. I mean, those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Snoop Davey Dave Roseanne: [to Darlene, about drug use] I hope you weren't doing it ta - for some reason to, ah, rebel against me and your Dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark. Darlene: Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Two for One Roseanne: [walks into the basement bedroom, where Darlene and David are reading on the bed] You two are having sex! Darlene: We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Two for One Roseanne: What are you doing meeting strange men at motels? Darlene: No, you have it all wrong. I meet them at the truck stops, I take them to the motels.
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Homecoming Becky: Darlene you just shouldn't let sex rule your life Darlene: You know, thats the same speech mom gave me. Except you left out the part "... or you'll end up like Becky".
	Season 6 / Episode 7: - Homeward Bound Darlene: Yeah, D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary.
	Season 6 / Episode 7: - Homeward Bound Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it. Dan Conner: Aw, God! Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something. Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Party Politics David: [referring to Darlene] What's she doing here? Darlene: [to Roseanne] You said David wasn't going to be around. Roseanne: Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy. I know how much you, ah, hate him.
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - Two Down, One to Go Darlene: Wow, my Mom's a big tramp!
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - Two Down, One to Go Darlene: Uh, Mom, can I talk to you a minute? I need to ask you a really big favor. Roseanne: Well let's see... I let you go to art school, and I let your boyfriend move in, oh yeah, and I gave you... life. Yeah, I guess I owe you one.
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - Two Down, One to Go Darlene: [why Darlene doesn't want her Mother to take her to college] Because she's just going to go psychotic when we get up there and she sees I've got my own life now! You know she's going to rag on everything: my school, my apartment, my roommate! Dan Conner: Yes! Yes! She absolutely will! And every time she slams you, you'll know she's suffering! And the only way your Mother can deal with pain, is to spread it around!
	Season 5 / Episode 25: - Daughters and Other Strangers Roseanne: [Roseanne and Darlene bury the hatchet] So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest '93. Darlene: Oh what a time we had!
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Darlene: Please, Jackie. I was gonna run away, but I don't need Rozilla leveling Chicago trying to find me.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences David Healy: [just had sex for the first time] We did it! We finally did it! Darlene: You're not going to, like, high-five me are you?
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences David Healy: [about their first time] It was incredible, wasn't it? Darlene: Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but I think we did pretty good.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Darlene: You know, do you ever think about my future? I don't get this. I though parents wanted their kids to be more successful than them. Roseanne: Well, of course you're Father and I want you to do better than us. Why do you think we spent our whole lives setting such a low standard!
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - Tooth or Consequences Darlene: This is like, the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I can't turn it down. David Healy: Fine. You just remember, you're leaving behind the guy who encouraged you to go to art school. You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to, and you're leaving him behind with your two huge, angry parents!
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - Promises, Promises Darlene: The only way I'm going to the prom, is if I can sit in the rafters with a bucket of pig's blood.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - Wait Till Your Father Gets Home Bev Harris: I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it. Roseanne: Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room. Darlene: Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?

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