Dan

Roseanne

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Played by:

John Goodman

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Dan Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out. Roseanne: I think they turned out great Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids! Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother! Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did. Dan: You didn't throw away a thing. Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Roseanne: Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother? Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people! Roseanne: Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!
	Season 8 / Episode 25: - Fights and Stuff Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration? [the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor] Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things! Dan: You are a controlling bitch! [he flips the coffee table over] Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV] Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - - Roseanne: What? Say it. Dan: Nothin' Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]
	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Happy Trailers Jackie: [laughs] What was that? Dan: I don't know. But the "Dark Prince" takes many forms. Roseanne: I like her!
	Season 7 / Episode 20: - The Clip Show: All About Rosey (2) Dan: Well, you don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my wife. David: Oh? Have you remarried?
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - The Parenting Trap Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa! What's goin' on! D.J.: [screams] Mom told me a story I don't want to hear anymore! Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac! D.J.: [still screaming] It was about her having her period! Dan: [pause] As you were.
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - The Parenting Trap Dan: [to the tune of "Dashing Through the Snow"] # Walking through the house/ Looking for a beer/ Open up the icebox door/ Oh my! There's one right here. #
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Maybe Baby Dan: "Roseanne" and "demand". Two words that go together like "waffle-iron" and "forehead".
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Dan: [about babies] Yeah, they kinda loose that new-car-smell after a while, don't they?
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Dan: [to Fred] David doesn't want the kind of girl a motorcycle will attract. If you don't believe me, take a good, long, look at Mrs. Conner.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Punch and Jimmy Dan: [David wants Dan to leave him alone, but Dan can't] Well I gotta good reason. And that good reason is barreling right towards this house right about now, about seventy miles an hour in a 55 zone, slurping a Big Gulp.
	Season 7 / Episode 6: - Skeleton in the Closet Roseanne: Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs florentine. Dan: I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Snoop Davey Dave Dan: [Dan and Roseanne find out that Darlene has used drugs] Darlene, your Mother and I are going to have to think long and hard about what to do about this. Roseanne: You are not going back to school! Darlene: What! Roseanne: That's it! End of discussion! Dan: Well, we thought about it, and we've decided you're not going back to school.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Snoop Davey Dave Darlene: [Darlene and Dan discuss her drug use] Oh, come on, Dad, do you really think what I did was that bad? Dan: Yes. Darlene: Give me a break. You grew up in the '60s, I've seen the photo albums. I mean, those clothes had to have some pharmaceutical explanation.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - Two for One Dan: Hunny, I got all kinds of good food for the baby. I got oranges, I got grapes, I got rasberries. You've seen some of this stuff before... on the 'Trix' box.
	Season 7 / Episode 1: - Nine is Enough Dan: [about kicking Becky and Mark out] It's time that they moved out on their own. They'll never leave unless we push them. Now you know I'm right. Roseanne: Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle. Dan: Fair enough - we won't visit 'em.
	Season 6 / Episode 17: - Don't Make Room for Daddy Dan: [to Mark, who thinks the women are wrong] Little something I think you oughta know. Women live longer than men, so in the end... they're never wrong.
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - Everyone Comes to Jackie's Dan: [David, who is banned from the house, gets caught in the basement making out with Darlene by Dan; Dan shouts, slinging him into a door] What's the matter with you, boy? Can't keep your pants on?
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - Everyone Comes to Jackie's Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are! Roseanne: We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!
	Season 6 / Episode 16: - Everyone Comes to Jackie's Dan: [Roseanne wants to take him to work, but he is angry with her] On second thought, I just might like to walk to work today. Roseanne: Oh, you don't even like to walk to the car.
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Homecoming Roseanne: Okay, next subject. Dan, how was work? Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - Guilt by Imagination Phyllis Zimmer: [discussing their affair in high school] Roseanne ever find out about us? Dan: Yeah. Dan: [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Halloween V Dan: [discussing Nancy] She's rude and selfish. Roseanne: I know, but, inside she's just a... scared little girl. Dan: Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Be My Baby Dan: [Roseanne and Dan are trying to get pregnant] You know, I've been thinking... when this kid graduates high school, I'll be sixty. Roseanne: Well, it's one of our kids, Dan, so you'll probably be more like sixty five or seventy.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Be My Baby Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He's hast'a sit on the bed with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life. Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Be My Baby Dan: [Roseanne is on the bed holding her legs in the air] Rosie... what are you doing this time? Roseanne: I'm directing your sperms where to go. Dan: Please. I think my boys know their way around a fallopian tube. Roseanne: I don't know, Dan, I think they're getting old, I hear 'em wheezing around in there.
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - The Mommy's Curse Dan: Hey Roseanne. I saw all the animals in the neighborhood running in circles, I guess that means your mother will be arriving soon. Roseanne: Help me hold the knife steady, Dan, I keep missing my wrist.
	Season 5 / Episode 25: - Daughters and Other Strangers Dan: You're acting like a crazed psychopath. Roseanne: [snorts] Well the voices in my head disagree.
	Season 5 / Episode 25: - Daughters and Other Strangers Dan: [on getting married] I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree. Roseanne: No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now!

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