Reno 911! Quotes

Reno 911!

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Corporate Sponser Deputy Cherisha Kimball: [after eating Hotty's wings] I feel like I've been gastrointestinally raped!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Wiegel's Pregnant (2) Deputy Cheresa Kimball: Carrot Top has a God-shaped hole in his heart. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Sometimes I have a whiskey and cheese shaped hole in my heart. Like now!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Wiegel's Pregnant (2) Deputy Clementine Johnson: On Trudy's pregnancy: Weigel's got something in the oven; I hate to say it's a "bun". Probably a gargoyle, or something with hooves.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Hummer Deputy Clementine Johnson: I spent my senior year making out with my boyfriend in his hearse all night. Then I'd sleep all day and watch soap operas all afternoon. Now I can't get a job frying French fries cause I don't have a high school diploma. And the only job I can get involves having yahoos like you with your hand up my skirt!
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - SARS Reading Ron: Hi, Reading Ron here. It's good to see all of you. You might remember we were reading about the adventures of Mr. Cop-a-Feel and Principal McTouchesTooMuch. Well today, we are going to see some cops on the right side of the law.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - SARS Reading Ron: [recording Reading Ron's kids show] We're rolling right now and when we roll we go on out on streets and we see what people are doing on their yards and on the streets. Some of them are watering their grasses, some people are... Deputy Travis Junior: Got a prostitute right here. [cuts and Reading Ron explains] Reading Ron: If we see a prostitute, just say "a bucket". "I saw a bucket." Deputy Travis Junior: "I saw a bucket." [cuts again, but still now recording, and Reading Ron puts his hand on his face for being tired] Deputy Travis Junior: Oh, look, there's a bucket goin' down on the Puerto Rican right there.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Reno S.D. In & Out of Jail (4) Deputy James Garcia: Dangle, get your ass out of my face. Lt. Jim Dangle: Get your FACE OUT OF MY ASS!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Reno S.D. In & Out of Jail (4) Deputy Raineesha Williams: Let me tell y'all about the worst date I ever been on. This was my first baby's father. We stand in this line for over two hours to take pictures. We get up to the front, and this was his dance. Get up to the front. He said, "Do you got some money?" Deputy Clementine Johnson: [gasp] Deputy Raineesha Williams: Do you understand me? Then the boy looked me in my face, and I said, "Does hell go with no?" But the argument was so rich. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, I felt that we connected, and I knew in that moment when he was hollerin' and screamin' at me in that parking lot, I said, "I'm gonna give him some." Deputy Clementine Johnson: I gave a guy some because he opened my car door for me, and I thought that was polite. So I blew him.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Reno S.D. In & Out of Jail (4) Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm out of jail, and I'm living my dream. You know what I realized? I'm not meant to be a cop. I am not meant to be a magician's assistant. I was not meant to go to college. I was not meant to donate blood. I am a Babylon Sister, and I was meant to shake it with Steely Dan, motherfuckers! Whoo! Owh, owh, owh!
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Deputy Raineesha Williams: [after joining the Nation of Islam] Things have changed for me, because, see, my eyes were opened to the truth - the truth that the white man is the devil, huh? In the Koran... okay, I'm not sure everything it says, 'cause I just got it - but I know it talks about y'all being the devil.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Why are you wearing that thing on your head? Deputy Raineesha Williams: This thing on my head is called a "Burka" and I am exercising my religious freedom, all right? I stand before you Raineesha X, all praise is due to Allah! Deputy Travis Junior: [dives to the floor in fear] Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's from the Homeland-Security training. Deputy Travis Junior: I'm sorry, I thought she was gonna ... Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no, good instinct. Deputy James Garcia: She don't have a bomb. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no, she didn't have a [clicks tongue and pantomimes pressing detonator with thumb]
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thanks to the Nation of Islam... I'm free. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Is this gonna be a problem doing your job now that you're... Nation of Muslim? Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't be aggressive with me, okay? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I wasn't being aggressive. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't hate me 'cause I've found the truth. And now that my eyes are open, ha, you can't have me, 'cause, see, I was had, I was took. I been hoodwinked, bamboozled. Y'all have run amok! Deputy S. Jones: Hornswoggled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you, brother. Deputy S. Jones: Fandangled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Titty-boozled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: No. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, I support you, sister. Deputy Raineesha Williams: I'm not your sister, cracker jack. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Whatever.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Lieutenant Jim Dangle: So, are you quitting because we're the devil? Deputy Raineesha Williams: [points at Dangle] You can't run me out of here! I'ma do what I gotta do. Deal with it, crackers! There's a new sheriff in town. Ha!
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Firefighters Are Jerks Deputy James Garcia: Flames don't come at you at the speed a bullet comes at you. Let's put it that way. So who's more important in the community? You decide. Deputy Travis Junior: And after you put out the fire, the fire don't go hire a lawyer and sue ya. Nobody talks about the fire's rights to be a fire. Deputy James Garcia: Have you ever heard of a drive-by fire? Deputy Travis Junior: Nope. Deputy James Garcia: No you haven't. Deputy Travis Junior: Heroes my ass. Deputy James Garcia: Bastards.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Firefighters Are Jerks Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't mean any disrespect, but fuck firemen! Deputy James Garcia: That's probably what Clemmie's doing right now.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Religion in Reno Deputy James Garcia: No, I'm not a fan of "Reverend LeCrap" coming here to tape his show. I think it makes a mockery of where we work and what we do as law-enforcement officials. I think he's taking advantage of, uh, the goodness of, uh, Dangle's heart, in order to make us look like, uh, fools. Deputy Raineesha Williams: No. Deputy James Garcia: And I hope he slips on vomit. Deputy Raineesha Williams: No. No. You already look like fools. He's not making you look like what you already are. Let him that hath known himself unto thine truth walk therein. Huh? That's in the Bible.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Wiegel's New Boyfriend Deputy Raineesha Williams: If you kill yourself, you don't get a chance to repent, you ain't going to heaven. But if somebody else cut your throat, you got a 50/50 shot of getting in.
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - Terrorist Training (2) Captain Dwayne Hernandez: When I first met you, you were like a frightened little kitten stuck inside a laundry hamper. Now you are a beautiful swan in a fancy restaraunt. Send back the soup, if you do not like it. Order more bread. You are in control.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Garcia's Anniversary Deputy Travis Junior: [watching Deputy S. Jones with a hooker on TV] It's like watching a damned porno, with all the porno cut out.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Fireworks Deputy Trudy Wiegel: My job as an officer is to make sure you kids are safe, but, truth be told, I can't be everywhere at once. I don't care if you're wearing a short skirt, I don't care if you're wearing dungarees, I don't care if you smell bad, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can be rest assured that everyone of you, at some point is gonna be raped. It happens, hey, I'm not happy about it. But, there is some good news: Can you imagine going to your doctor and you say, "I've been raped", and he goes, "Oh my God that's horrible", and then he says, "but guess what", - pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; "You're pregnant, and you're having triplets". Oh my God! And then you go "Oh my God!", and I freak out and I call everybody. Umm... that hasn't happened to me - hasn't happened to me, yet.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people's skin.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you know Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
	Unknown Episode: Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear. Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here. Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle? Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
	Unknown Episode: Lt. Jim Dangle: We have two passes to be witnesses at an execution. I know we all want these, so we're gonna do this the way we generally handle these things and we're gonna have a scavenger hunt.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I'm going to beat the living crap out of you.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy S. Jones: Officers, there are two armed men inside. Deputy James Garcia: I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.
	Unknown Episode: Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex. Deputy S. Jones: You think so? Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy James Garcia: That's no halfway house. It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to and where I live. That human piece of garbage would make Satan weep. God vomited and there was Jackie.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Williams: White people are crazy.

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