Deputy Travis Junior

Reno 911!

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Played by:

Robert Ben Garant

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Deputy Travis Junior Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 4: - SARS Reading Ron: [recording Reading Ron's kids show] We're rolling right now and when we roll we go on out on streets and we see what people are doing on their yards and on the streets. Some of them are watering their grasses, some people are... Deputy Travis Junior: Got a prostitute right here. [cuts and Reading Ron explains] Reading Ron: If we see a prostitute, just say "a bucket". "I saw a bucket." Deputy Travis Junior: "I saw a bucket." [cuts again, but still now recording, and Reading Ron puts his hand on his face for being tired] Deputy Travis Junior: Oh, look, there's a bucket goin' down on the Puerto Rican right there.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Why are you wearing that thing on your head? Deputy Raineesha Williams: This thing on my head is called a "Burka" and I am exercising my religious freedom, all right? I stand before you Raineesha X, all praise is due to Allah! Deputy Travis Junior: [dives to the floor in fear] Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's from the Homeland-Security training. Deputy Travis Junior: I'm sorry, I thought she was gonna ... Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no, good instinct. Deputy James Garcia: She don't have a bomb. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no, she didn't have a [clicks tongue and pantomimes pressing detonator with thumb]
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Firefighters Are Jerks Deputy James Garcia: Flames don't come at you at the speed a bullet comes at you. Let's put it that way. So who's more important in the community? You decide. Deputy Travis Junior: And after you put out the fire, the fire don't go hire a lawyer and sue ya. Nobody talks about the fire's rights to be a fire. Deputy James Garcia: Have you ever heard of a drive-by fire? Deputy Travis Junior: Nope. Deputy James Garcia: No you haven't. Deputy Travis Junior: Heroes my ass. Deputy James Garcia: Bastards.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Garcia's Anniversary Deputy Travis Junior: [watching Deputy S. Jones with a hooker on TV] It's like watching a damned porno, with all the porno cut out.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people's skin.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you know Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
	Unknown Episode: Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear. Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here. Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle? Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
	Unknown Episode: Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey Terry, Sherrifs Department! Terry: Hey Guys! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Heyy. Terry: Whats goin down? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well, I'll tell ya whats goin down Terry, You know that they've installed a camera right here at this redlight here. Terry: Oh My god! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Yeah, and it takes a picture whenever someone runs a redlight. Terry: Oh wow that's awesome, It's like the future. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It is awesome. Deputy Travis Junior: So you know why we're here? Terry: Why was there a fire? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You've been chargin' three bucks, you run up when the car is at a red light, and you give a H.J. during the redlight. Terry: Oh my god, that sounds, that's not something that I would ever do. Deputy Travis Junior: Except we've got about... Lieutenant Jim Dangle: We got about 38 photos of you and that's only last night. Terry: Well, I can see how you would think that, But I sell... oranges. Deputy Travis Junior: You sell oranges? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You sell oranges? Terry: Mmhm! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I'll take some. Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, I'd like some too. Terry: I've sold out, I've sold out of my oranges... I run out and people are like Beep Beep, I go okay, and say you're driving and I just put it in their laps. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Well... Deputy Junior: I dont know about that. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on Terry. Terry: I cant, I have to call my girlfriend... listen I don't even know what you're talking about. Deputy Travis Junior: We're talking about you giving hand jobs at three bucks a pop at this redlight up here that's what we're talking about. Terry: Okay okay, a hand job is still a job okay? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Come on easy does it, Zanna do it right into the car. Terry: You Zanna Don't it! Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Did he just say "Zanna Don't it?"
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: [the gang has changed a Ten Commandments statue to a list of "Top 10 Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Cop"] The court's okay with this? Lt. Jim Dangle: Court's okay with it, State Department's okay. [Looks upward] Not even God can mess with us now! You hear that? Lt. Jim Dangle: [cut to the next week's morning meeting] We're being sued by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company. Deputy Travis Junior: Too many lawyers, man. Lt. Jim Dangle: This is a prime example of... Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one. Deputy Travis Junior: What'd I miss? Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean! Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you! Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean! Deputy Travis Junior: What did I miss? Deputy Clementine Johnson: She can't find her way to the ocean. Lt. Jim Dangle: She can't find her way to her car.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Number 5, could you come up and sing "Supercalifragilisticexplaladocous"? [Everyone laughs] Lt. Jim Dangle: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck all of you!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel? Deputy James Garcia: Hell no... hell no! Deputy Travis Junior: What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself. Deputy Travis Junior: But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed. Deputy James Garcia: So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun... Deputy Travis Junior: Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: [to a prisoner] Don't you fucking eyeball me! Cot! Now, motherfucker! Deputy Travis Junior: Hey kids. Alright, well let's go on with the tour.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: If a terrorist wanted to commit a crime in Reno, well, he's never been to Reno.
	Unknown Episode: Lt. Jim Dangle: [directing traffic school] This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway". Deputy Travis Junior: But instead, we've got a treat in store for you. Lt. Jim Dangle: [holding up a video tape] Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit! Deputy Travis Junior: And there will be a test!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: To me it doesn't make sense if you gotta pray facin' a certain way... if God's everywhere shouldn't you be able to face any which way when you pray? Like is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East and he's listening to the receiver or somethin'? Deputy James Garcia: Yeah, it's like, I have a plan with God but it's like a bad cell plan, doesn't work in certain areas. Deputy Travis Junior: Five calls a day. Deputy James Garcia: See I got anytime minutes with my God.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Who's Garcia's partner today? Lt. Jim Dangle: Not it. Deputy Travis Junior: Not it. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Not it. Lt. Jim Dangle: Trudy. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What'd I win? Lt. Jim Dangle: You're with Garcia today.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: I don't think there was a real reason for Jones to hit Garcia, cause Garcia's a man who's already down. Garcia ain't got friends, he lives in a little shitty apartment, he don't have no family that I know of. He ain't got no taste. He's racist, he's a sexist, he's a lying bigot horse's ass. I think, you know, hitting him is just throwing shit in front of a shit pile that's already got too much shit in it.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy S. Jones: Who's you guys best friend in the whole world? Deputy James Garcia: Santa Claus? Deputy Travis Junior: That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.
	Unknown Episode: Captain Dwayne Hernandez: There is nothing to fear... except terrorism, and biological and chemical attacks! Have a nice day. Deputy Travis Junior: Oh man, we are screwed.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy S. Jones: [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there? Lt. Jim Dangle: CPT Deputy Travis Junior: CPT Deputy S. Jones: What? Deputy Williams: What? Excuse me? What's CPT? Deputy Travis Junior: CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats. Lt. Jim Dangle: Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means. Deputy Williams: What? Lt. Jim Dangle: I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT. Deputy S. Jones: Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time. Deputy Travis Junior: Apology accepted, Jones.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Do you watch Rev. Lecarp's show? Deputy James Garcia: I'd rather watch cats eat their own shit.
	Unknown Episode: Reverend Gigg LeCarp: [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me! [Points to his false teeth] Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker! [He goes out of the cell and locks it] What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh? [Leaves] Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me! Lt. Jim Dangle: [Trying to open the door] The door's locked. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: We're probably in a, in a commercial break. Deputy Travis Junior: He's flipping us the bird outside right now. [LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away] Lt. Jim Dangle: When's the new jailer getting here? Deputy Travis Junior: Tuesday. Three day weekend. Lt. Jim Dangle: Aw... we had to do this on a Friday. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two. [Everyone yells in protest] Deputy Williams: You gonna hold it in like the rest of us! Lt. Jim Dangle: Number One's only! Number One's only!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here. Deputy James Garcia: That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time. Deputy Travis Junior: What do you mean? Deputy James Garcia: Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord. Deputy Travis Junior: And where did you deliver this message to on his person? Deputy James Garcia: That would be in the head area.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: [reading a bumper sticker] UNITED WE STAND. That ain't foolin' anyone. Lt. Jim Dangle: I think some of these people are trying too hard. I think that when the truck of anthrax comes, it's going to have UNITED WE STAND and a Bush-Cheney on the back. Deputy Travis Junior: And a Toby Keith damned tape playing... Lt. Jim Dangle: t'll be the Trojan Horse, but instead of a horse it'll be... Deputy Travis Junior: A Bronco. Lt. Jim Dangle: Right or an F150.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Trudy Wiegel: He's like the white Lionel Ritchie. Deputy Travis Junior: Uh, I would say that Lionel Ritchie is like the white Lionel Ritchie Lt. Jim Dangle: Yeah, I didn't know that there was a black Lionel Ritchie.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Who can guess what Circle the Wagons means? That is when you put three bunks, like the circling up of the wagons in a wagon train, an old cowboy movie, and they have the sheets hanging down so you can't see what's going on inside the four bunks and inside the four bunks about two dozen boys just fucked the shit out of this little mormon kid. Now they don't want to break your jaw because they still want your jaw to be able to work, so what it does it takes out your teeth and then they just skull-fucked the shit out of this boy. Uh... we came in and there wasn't really anything left. They ass-fucked him, skull-fucked him, they fucked his back, they've been up his shoulders and titty-fucked him with his shoulder blades. Fucked up shit, man. We came in here and all the convicts you know, all of them where like, "Uh...” you know, "He was fucked to death before we got here." So we couldn't really point the finger at nobody, because it was either all or nothing, and you ain't going to book two dozen people. Uh... so then, you know, that's when we starting bolting the bunks to the wall like that.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy James Garcia: The entire station is about to fall apart. It's like we're playing a game of twister and someone is about to spin that left foot yellow and everything is going to collapse. Deputy Travis Junior: It's like some terrible game of twister where it's all boys and they kill you when you lose.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: I watch Reverend LeCarp's show every week. I love that boy. Next to that weird kind of Indian-looking fella with the Nehru jacket who dances the devil out of people on that show, I think he's the best televangelist there is.

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