Deputy Clementine Johnson

Reno 911!

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Played by:

Wendi McLendon-Covey

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Deputy Clementine Johnson Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Wiegel's Pregnant (2) Deputy Cheresa Kimball: Carrot Top has a God-shaped hole in his heart. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Sometimes I have a whiskey and cheese shaped hole in my heart. Like now!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Wiegel's Pregnant (2) Deputy Clementine Johnson: On Trudy's pregnancy: Weigel's got something in the oven; I hate to say it's a "bun". Probably a gargoyle, or something with hooves.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Hummer Deputy Clementine Johnson: I spent my senior year making out with my boyfriend in his hearse all night. Then I'd sleep all day and watch soap operas all afternoon. Now I can't get a job frying French fries cause I don't have a high school diploma. And the only job I can get involves having yahoos like you with your hand up my skirt!
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Reno S.D. In & Out of Jail (4) Deputy Raineesha Williams: Let me tell y'all about the worst date I ever been on. This was my first baby's father. We stand in this line for over two hours to take pictures. We get up to the front, and this was his dance. Get up to the front. He said, "Do you got some money?" Deputy Clementine Johnson: [gasp] Deputy Raineesha Williams: Do you understand me? Then the boy looked me in my face, and I said, "Does hell go with no?" But the argument was so rich. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, I felt that we connected, and I knew in that moment when he was hollerin' and screamin' at me in that parking lot, I said, "I'm gonna give him some." Deputy Clementine Johnson: I gave a guy some because he opened my car door for me, and I thought that was polite. So I blew him.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Reno S.D. In & Out of Jail (4) Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm out of jail, and I'm living my dream. You know what I realized? I'm not meant to be a cop. I am not meant to be a magician's assistant. I was not meant to go to college. I was not meant to donate blood. I am a Babylon Sister, and I was meant to shake it with Steely Dan, motherfuckers! Whoo! Owh, owh, owh!
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Raineesha X Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thanks to the Nation of Islam... I'm free. Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Is this gonna be a problem doing your job now that you're... Nation of Muslim? Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't be aggressive with me, okay? Lieutenant Jim Dangle: I wasn't being aggressive. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Don't hate me 'cause I've found the truth. And now that my eyes are open, ha, you can't have me, 'cause, see, I was had, I was took. I been hoodwinked, bamboozled. Y'all have run amok! Deputy S. Jones: Hornswoggled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you, brother. Deputy S. Jones: Fandangled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thank you. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Titty-boozled. Deputy Raineesha Williams: No. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, I support you, sister. Deputy Raineesha Williams: I'm not your sister, cracker jack. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Whatever.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy James Garcia: Last night was just a jumpstart, I got feelings, and I wanna do this right. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, we can do it right later. Let's just do it wrong.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one. Deputy Travis Junior: What'd I miss? Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean! Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you! Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean! Deputy Travis Junior: What did I miss? Deputy Clementine Johnson: She can't find her way to the ocean. Lt. Jim Dangle: She can't find her way to her car.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy James Garcia: Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man. [Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger] That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit! Deputy Williams: I cannot believe that you did this! Deputy Clementine Johnson: Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming! Deputy James Garcia: [pause] Let's do it again!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy S. Jones: Do I think Craig is the Truckie River Killer... yeah. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah... and it's the best she's gonna do. Deputy S. Jones: Yeah.
	Unknown Episode: Kevin the Sex Offender: Morning, my name's Kevin Darling, I'm moving in next door, just thought I'd come by and tell you a little bit about myself. I'm, uh, divorced... in between jobs, somewhat of a foodie, convicted sex offender, I, I, I play chess not very well... Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, back up to the... Kevin the Sex Offender: The other thing? Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, that's right. Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a foodie, and so I cook a lot. Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be cute, Kevin. Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a convicted sex offender. Whatever that means. Deputy Clementine Johnson: What that means, ma'am, is you've got a pervert living in your neighborhood.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Williams: [in the locker room] The women on the force, have to get alone. I mean, we're the minorities. We got to stick together, sisterhood, girl power, all that jazz. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Rainesha Williams... is a loudmouth, backstabbing... Jew. I wanna say Jew, but I think she's in fact very openly Catholic, which I have a problem with, too. Deputy Clementine Johnson: [in the locker room] I had a saying before I came to work here that feminism is bullshit. But I feel a sisterhood with these special, special people. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [to the camera] Officer Johnson... is a whore.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [to a half naked man on top of a building] You got a whole half life left, and there are a lot of people who don't know you... I don't know what to say anymore! Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [from the car] Excuse me, I accidentally locked myself in the car!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: You caught me. I work in a rat fuck. So I don't care. Go blab it all over the whole fucking station. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Why do you do this? Deputy Clementine Johnson: Because I need the money. Deputy Williams: How much do you pull in a night? Deputy Clementine Johnson: I walk away with about $300 a night, $500 if there's a convention. Deputy Clementine Johnson, Deputy Williams: [while pouring tequila down a guy's throat] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiiiii!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed! Deputy Williams: We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us. Deputy Clementine Johnson: He took it out. Deputy Williams: He tried to... [looks at the camera] Give us the tape. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Hand over the tape. [the cameraman runs away] Deputy Williams: Give us that tape! Deputy Clementine Johnson: I will cut you!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Travis Junior: Who's Garcia's partner today? Lt. Jim Dangle: Not it. Deputy Travis Junior: Not it. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Not it. Lt. Jim Dangle: Trudy. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What'd I win? Lt. Jim Dangle: You're with Garcia today.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Williams: I am planning a bachlorette party for you. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Strippers. Deputy Williams: You have a preference? Black, white? Deputy Clementine Johnson: I like them all. I like black, I like white... I like black. Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders. I don't "get" them.
	Unknown Episode: Reverend Gigg LeCarp: Okay, Officer Garcia. God has asked me to speak to you because you are lost. You are lost. Deputy Williams: He is evil. Reverend Gigg LeCarp: We're hearing it even from the choir! You are lost and evil. Deputy Clementine Johnson: And he's a loser! Reverend Gigg LeCarp: You are lost, evil, and a loser. Come on, everyone, what are thing that we just don't like about Officer Garcia? Deputy Trudy Wiegel: He's a Mexican!
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: We should go down to Hooker Heaven and see if we can round up some girls there. Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Is that the new bagel place?
	Unknown Episode: Frat Guy: [Dangle and Clemmy are at a frat party and they've been mistaken for contestants at a costume contest] We got some new contestants, here we go! [Points to Dangle] Here's Gay Cop! Give it up for Gay Cop! [the crowd cheers and chants "Gay Cop!" while Dangle stays perfectly still] Hold on! [Points to Clemmie] Slut Cop, ladies and gentlemen! [the crowd cheers and chants "Slut" and Clemmie just nods while the frat guy sends the other contestants away] Here are the contestants for the 500 dollar prize! Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm in, I'm in! Lt. Jim Dangle: 500 cash?
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: It's like when you're in high school, you always say, "Oh mom I'm going to watch a movie with uh... my boyfriend." And then you come home and your lips are all swollen like ahhh and your hair is all matted and all your makeup is absorbed into your face and you're covered with hickies and your mom says, "Hey what were you doing?" And you say, "Oh I was just watching a movie." and she says, "That's my boyfriend, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away!" and then I say, "Oh yeah why don't you shave your legs, stupid bitch... whore." But we could make a movie, rarrrrrrr.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: Garcia has a daughter? I had no idea. I had no idea. I would imagine... she must have a humpback or something?
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [Clementine hears about Garcia and Williams "hooking up" in the hot tub] Well, I guess I'm no longer top dog. Deputy James Garcia: I didn't realize I had a list of dogs.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: I don't know why everyone around here gets a boner every time the FBI comes in. All they do is wear suits and handle the fluids of dead people. That's not sexy to me.
	Unknown Episode: Steed Lankershim: Clemmie, I've enjoyed being in a semi monogamous relationship with you for ten years... your tits look great. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Steed, when two dynamic people get together, there's a whole lot of dynamite. And I promise to stay married to you until we both decide we don't want to do it any more.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [Deputy Johnson is administering a dancing sobriety test] Step, bump, step, bump-bump! 5,6,7,8... Deputy S. Jones: You know what would be good is if you did a hitch kick right here [suspect adds his own choreography] and a barrel roll here and then woohoo! Deputy Clementine Johnson: Wow! That's great. Are you a dancer? Deputy S. Jones: No! I'm just drunk. Deputy Clementine Johnson: Gotcha! You're going to jail.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [on having sex with co-workers] I think that rules were made to be broken and I think that everybody should have sex with as many people as they possibly can. You only go around once in this life, and as long as everybody takes a shower, I don't know what the big deal is.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: [talking to Goth kids on Hallowe'en] If you want get back at someone, if you want to take your power back, here's a spell you can do. You get a personal object from that person, and you say, "Fire, malice, fear times three, so-and-so... Carman Havens: Justine Timberlake... Deputy Clementine Johnson: ...or Ted Nugent, feel my treachery." Carman Havens: Can you hang out with us for a while? Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, I'd love to, though. Actually those candles smell really good. I'd like to know where you got them.
	Unknown Episode: Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, dispatch? We need an ambulance over here at the Ku Sux Klan rally. [starts laughing] I'm just reading the sign!

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