Red Dwarf (UK) Quotes

Red Dwarf (UK)

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

Red Dwarf (UK) Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Only The Good... Grim Reaper: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and... Rimmer: Not today, Matey. Rimmer: Remember, only the good die young.
	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Only The Good... Big Meat: There ain't no one more bad-assed, evil than me in the whole of hell. What makes you think you can diss me and live? The Cat: 'Cos things are changing round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're my bitch!
	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Only The Good... Rimmer: [points to a mark on his jaw] That is a scar. Lister: Where'd you get that? Rimmer: From a fight, years ago. Duel. Lister: A duel? You? Rimmer: Not "a" duel. Duel. The old Steven Spielberg movie. A friend of mine attacked me with the video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back though. I peed in his mum's steam iron. He had yellow T-shirts for a week.
	Season 8 / Episode 8: - Only The Good... Baxter: Your two mates gulped my hooch. And when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards around, this is what's going to happen to them. The Cat: You're gonna squeeze their rolls? Man, that's irritating! But hey, in many ways, they'll be quite relieved!
	Season 8 / Episode 7: - Pete: Part 2 Kochanski: Kryten? Kryten: Yes, ma'am? Kochanski: How long in the normal space of things would it take for Pete to pass the Time Wand out of his system? Kryten: Strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database. My programmers, for some insane reason, believed that dinosaur bowel movement frequency tables needn't be required. Imbeciles!
	Season 8 / Episode 7: - Pete: Part 2 Lister: Holly, we need your advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation? Holly: What do you want? The long or the short version? Lister: Long. Holly: You're finished. The Cat: What's the short version? Holly: Bye.
	Season 8 / Episode 7: - Pete: Part 2 Kochanski: Did you get punishment duty too? Kryten: I've got to iron eight hundred prison smocks. I don't understand. Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward? Eight hundred. Bliss!
	Season 8 / Episode 7: - Pete: Part 2 Lister: We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead. Rimmer: Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now. Kryten: Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no-one would be any the wiser. The Cat: He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.
	Season 8 / Episode 7: - Pete: Part 2 Lister: He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister. Isn't he? On the ball; quick. Rimmer: [unaware that Hollister is behind him] Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar. Lister: [still pointing Rimmer to Hollister] You admire him, though, do you? Rimmer: [still unaware of Hollister's presence] Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick'n'mix factory in his quarters; a man who has a walk-in fridge; who lists as his hobbies chewing and swallowing? Lister: [pointing at Hollister in agony] You did tell me once before you do respect him, don't you? Rimmer: Respect him? A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole; a man whose idea of a light snack... he's standing behind me, isn't he? Captain Hollister: Yes, he is.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 The Cat: [on seeing the T-Rex] There's an old cat saying which has particular relevance here. It goes something like this, "We are all gonna die."
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Rimmer: Killcrazy's insane. He's always coming up with strange ideas. He reckons that if you go to the loo in a plane, it drops straight out. And that's why they don't let you go to the loo while the plane's still standing on the runway... for fear of skid starts. Lister: He's probably right. Rimmer: Course he isn't. Lister: Why else wouldn't they let you go, then? Rimmer: I don't know. They're probably helping you break up your journey. If they don't you go to the loo first off, you'll have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese. Lister: No, Killcrazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap. Rimmer: 'Cos of all the flushing planes? Lister: Yeah. Well, think about it. You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out, you have to have a washable hat and leg it to your car. Rimmer: It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap; 'cos of the noise. Lister: The noise? Rimmer: Yeah. Lister: They're half a mile up. You'll never be able to hear people in the loo from that distance. Not unless you are like my Uncle Dan.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Rimmer: Look at him. The big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him. He'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Kochanski: [looking at the Time Wand] "Tempus". That's Latin for "time". The Cat: Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships!
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Lister: Who are you? What's your name? Birdman: [holding his sparrow] They call me Birdman. Lister: Oh, aye? Why's that? Rimmer: [sarcastically] Because he really likes instant custard! Why do you think?
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Rimmer: Permission to snigger, sir. Captain Frank Hollister: Permission - denied. Rimmer: We might have to snigger anyway, sir.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Pete: Part 1 Birdman: [introduces his sparrow to Lister and Rimmer] This is Pete. He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is nine years old, so that makes him... Rimmer: Nine? Birdman: Nine, that's right! You've met him before, have you?
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Holly: Time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, then you're better off with some ointment.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Kryten: [to Lister] You're not getting any younger, sir. And neither are your sperms. I'm getting worried about those guys. Any older, and they might need a Stannah stairlift to get up the Fallopian tubes.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Ackerman: I have a date with Patricia Carling from supplies on Saturday night, she says my eyes are my loveliest feature, if I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Rimmer: Here's another letter for you. Lister: Who's it from? Rimmer: Petersen. My god, it's tragic. Lister: What? Did he die? Rimmer: Die? Do you think he'd write and tell you? Lister: Yeah, you're right. I'm not thinking straight. He'd be too busy planning his funeral and everything. So, go on. What's happened? Rimmer: Something catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Lister: Are you okay? Rimmer: Of course I'm not okay. I hate your guitar. If I'd wanted to share a room with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Holly: Time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment.
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Kryten: I presume you heard the news about Ms. Kochanski. Lister: What news? Kryten: You haven't heard? Lister: Heard what? Kryten: The news. Lister: What news? Kryten: You haven't heard the news? Lister: Heard what news? Kryten: About Ms. Kochanksi. Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski? Kryten: About Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim. Lister: What about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Kryten: I can't believe you don't know. Lister: Know what? Kryten: No-one told you? Lister: Told me what? Kryten: You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Lister: What news about Ms. Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim? Kryten: I can't believe it. Lister: Believe what? Kryten: I'm so traumatized that no-one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terrible, hideously appalling news. I don't think I can even speak now. Lister: [holds Kryten by the neck] Kryten, there's a 200ft drop down there, now tell me the news. Kryten: She's seeing Tim again. Lister: What?
	Season 8 / Episode 5: - Krytie TV Kryten: [talking to Lister about Kochanski's ex-boyfriend] You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover, and you're just... you.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Kochanski: I'm not sure I can do this. This is the first time I've been seduced by pre-determinism theory.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Rimmer: We, um, should be making tracks. Cassandra: I'm afraid that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given way and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All of the canaries will be dead within one hour except for Rimmer... Rimmer: [ecstatic] Yes! Cassandra: ...who will be dead in twenty minutes.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Rimmer: The Canaries. You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army-Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers. They haven't got an X-chromosome to share between them.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Rimmer: What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy. Lister: What are you on about? You had none of that stuff. Rimmer: You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Lister: Have you figured out a way to get us out of here yet, Hol? Holly: I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the Prison Regs. And I think I've come up with something which means you can serve you entire two year sentence in just 14 weeks. Lister: Oh, brilliant. What have I gotta do? Holly: Become a dog. Lister: A dog? Holly: According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. As a plan, you can't fault it on its mathematics. Lister: No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog. Holly: Yeah, but according to a 20th century newspaper called The National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward. Holly: A roverostomy, they called it. There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done. Lister: That's a dog. Holly: See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled. Lister: Becoming a dog. That is without doubt the most stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic idea you've thought of the whole week. Holly: Give me a chance. It's only Monday.
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Cassandra Lister: It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past. Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing.

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9… 15 16 next »

» Back to Red Dwarf (UK) TV Show