Bill Maher

Real Time With Bill Maher

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Bill Maher
Bill Maher was born in New York City and grew up in River Vale, NJ. His Irish Catholic father, William, ...

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Bill Maher Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Episode 422 Bill Maher: You want me to apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry?
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Episode 422 Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope? This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, now available in paperback.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Episode 420 Bill Maher: New Rule: You can't make me dress like PeeWwee Herman. According to the New York Times, this is the hottest look in men's fashion. From the waist up, it says Wall Street; from the waist down, it says, "Hurricane Katrina." Let me tell you something. This "exposed sock" look is never going to fly in Hollywood, because that's where we keep our weed.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Episode 420 Bill Maher: And finally, New Rule, in two parts: A. You can't call yourself a think tank if all your ideas are stupid. And B., if you're someone from one of the think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War, and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, and the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war... you have to stop making predictions!
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Episode 419 Bill Maher: New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see." Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Episode 418 Bill Maher: George Bush has said that he will not change his mind on Iraq even if the only ones supporting him were his wife and his dog. And I think the only person in the world who might be able to talk some sense into this man is George Bush, Sr. Robin Williams: Or his mother. Bill Maher: Oh, yeah. Robin Williams: That's more powerful than even dad. [slight laughter] Dr. Freud, line 1.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Episode 418 Bill Maher: New Rule: President Bush's dog Barney has to run away from home. President Bush has said he won't pull out of Iraq even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him. And we know Laura isn't going to leave. Which means the country is depending on you, Barney! Run, boy, run!
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Episode 415 Bill Maher: If Bush is going to be on any ABC program, it should be "Lost."
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Episode 415 Bill Maher: [about Arnold Schwarzenegger] He said Puerto Ricans are naturally fiesty because they're a mix of black and latino blood. Whereas guys like him are naturally fiesty because they're a mix of white blood and steroids.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Episode 413 (Season 4B) Bill Maher: CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be replaying their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go "Oh, my God. They've done it again."
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Episode 413 (Season 4B) Bill Maher: And finally, New Rule: Now that an international panel of "scientists" has decided to "cut-and-run" on the planet Pluto, I say it's time for the United States to sever its ties with science altogether and withdraw from the solar system!
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Episode 411 Bill Maher: New Rule: If Latino immigrants want to be taken seriously, they have to stop wearing the giant hats! The civil rights marchers in the fifties didn't dress like Buckwheat and carry watermelons! You're a proud immigrant demanding his rights! Not the Frito-Bandito!
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Episode 405 Bill Maher: New Rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Episode 405 Bill Maher: New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New Rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New rule: Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy! [he gives the finger] You stayed up all night making that papier mache mask of Dick Cheney! Good! Now light it on fire and torch the nearest Gap! You're not going to make the evening news with candle light vigils. Pick up a trash can and throw it through the window of a Starbucks!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New rule: Time Magazine has to change its name to God Weekly. This week, Mary is on the cover again. In the last two years, Time has put out: "The Secrets of the Nativity", "The God Gene", "Faith, God and the Oval Office", "The Bible and the Apocalypse", "Who Was Moses?", "What Jesus Saw", "Why Did Jesus Have to Die?", "Jesus in 2000." If Jesus gets any more free press, he's going to start thinking he's Paris Hilton. Look, I understand we have a lot of Christians in this nation, but how about a little equal time? "Vishnu to Ganesh: Drop Dead". And "Is There No Pleasing Zeus?"
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New rule: After the plane lands, airlines must stop saying, "Thank you for choosing us." There is no choosing anymore. I took the only flight that left within eight hours of when I wanted to go by the only other airline that went there. Choosing! Nobody chooses Southwest. Southwest chooses you! If I need to be in Spokane, Washington, by tomorrow morning, I either take the flight I'm given or I mail myself in a FedEx box!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: New rule: Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: [to Richard Perle] I think you guys might have been right about the big picture, and I'm not above saying, you know what, maybe I was wrong. Okay. But on the other half of it, why the incompetence? Why was this war conducted so badly from the beginning? And you have to admit that cost lives. And my theory is because Republicans are sentimentalists. Because you guys have such rose-colored glasses about America that you thought as soon as we showed up in Iraq, they'd be going, 'Freedom! Americans!' And that's why we didn't need armor on the tanks because they'd be giving us flowers and chocolates and nylons.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: All right, speaking of brave women, I have Ann Coulter waiting for me via satellite. Richard Belzer: I'm going to leave. [starts to walk off] Bill Maher: Don't! No, no, you're not! Sit right there! You know what? This is what's wrong with America. People don't even want to listen to each other. She is a friend of mine, and you will listen. Richard Belzer: She's a Fascist Party doll! Go ahead, just show her, baby. I think she's had some work done. But go ahead. Bill Maher: No. SHUT UP, BELZER! [to Ann] Boy, I'm trying to defend you, baby, but it ain't easy over here. Ann Coulter: Hey, is that Richard - is that Richard Belzer on the panel? Bill Maher: Boy, is he. Ann Coulter: I thought it was Osama bin Laden. I can only hear. Bill Maher: [after the interview with Ann] Ann Coulter, ladies and gentlemen! Jesus Christ, this is what is wrong with this - and I want to get to this. You know, this is a friend of mine, and this is - I think you guys - you - this is why... Richard Belzer: What are you talking about? Bill Maher: No, I'm saying that people... Richard Belzer: I've seen her hundreds of times. Bill Maher: I know, but... Richard Belzer: She's a repugnant person who says the most vile things. She lies. She's a liar and you know that. You just confronted her on ten different things. I mean, come on, man! Some people, you have to call them for what they are.
	Unknown Episode: Kevin Costner: You know, the great thing about Vietnam, if you can find one great thing about Vietnam, was that we have Vietnam to look back on. Vietnam serves a purpose. We have this gigantic window into our past history and why we find ourselves where we're at. That's the only good I can see that that war ever did for us. And we've ignored the lesson. Bill Maher: The key lesson to me of Vietnam is that you cannot outlast insurgents in their own country. This idea that when Bush says, "Well, we can't say we're going to pull out in six months because they'll only have to wait six months and a day." They'll wait a hundred years if they have to! Gen. Wesley Clark: Bill, the key lesson - the key lesson of Vietnam is that you've got to have a strategy that has a chance of success before you commit the lives of the men and women in uniform.
	Unknown Episode: Sen. Alan Simpson: [Sen. Simpson becomes angry at Bill's jokes] You're making fun of Americans who have some religious bent or a faith. Keep doing that and your people will never win an election. Because whether you and I like it or not, this is the only country on the face of the earth that was founded because of religious persecution and a belief in God. That's why they left Europe. So keep making fun of them. Keep making fun of the gays and the lesbians, pulling people in, tearing people up, thinking that Hollywood has all the brains in America, from people who are making millions of bucks on one movie and telling the rest of the people, and making fun of them, and you'll never make it, never make it. Bill Maher: You know, to quote the president, "I'm getting a mixed message from you, Senator." I mean, either I'm making fun of the religious people or I'm making fun of the gay people. I can't be doing both, can I? Sen. Alan Simpson: Well, you just made a little crack. You know, it was funny-funny, you know. Party-party. You know, those are little cracks. Those are smart, little cracks about the gay and lesbian people. You keep telling them. I think they're offensive. And I don't have to come on this program. So put that one in your pipe! Bill Maher: Okay, there's only one way to solve this - I challenge you to a duel!
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.
	Unknown Episode: Bill Maher: You know, if there's one thing I've hated since 9/11, it's that thing I hear all the time, that everything changed. When obviously nothing changed. The best example from the hurricane was the firefighters who came from I forget where, but they were sent down there to help, and they were given - before they could get to the disaster area - eight hours of sexual harassment sensitivity training. Forgetting that most women want to be harassed by firefighters. Bill Maher: [audience cheers] And I'm glad you cheered because Ann Coulter gave me that joke.

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