Carlton Lassiter

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Characters: #3 of 6 (Full List)

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Timothy Omundson
Timothy Omundson was born in St. Joseph, Missouri, on July 29, 1969, the youngest of four children. ...

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Carlton Lassiter Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Let's Get Hairy Carlton Lassiter: [Lassie, speaking impatiently into his cell phone with Shawn on the other end] "Of course I have the right address! It's the one you DIVINED!"
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - TBA Carlton Lassiter: At this point it looks like an accident. Shawn Spencer: Like your hair. Carlton Lassiter: Really? Down to hair jokes, now?
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Bollywood Homicide Carlton Lassiter: At this point it looks like an accident. Shawn Spencer: Like your hair. Carlton Lassiter: Really? Down to hair jokes, now?
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - TBA Shawn Spencer: [in a car, doing surveillance on Juliet and Raj on a fake date] Man, I don't like this. Burton Guster: You don't like Juliet dating somebody. Shawn Spencer: Fake dating. That's not it. It's this whole using-her-as-bait thing. Burton Guster: You had no problem dangling his girlfriend out there as bait. Shawn Spencer: Now you're changing the rules, aren't you? Look at Raj. He's getting awfully hands-y over there. Taking advantage of the situation like that! Carlton Lassiter: [over the walkie talkie] No, he's definitely bugged by O'Hara dating this guy. Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't leave the talk button on.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Bollywood Homicide Shawn Spencer: [in a car, doing surveillance on Juliet and Raj on a fake date] Man, I don't like this. Burton Guster: You don't like Juliet dating somebody. Shawn Spencer: Fake dating. That's not it. It's this whole using-her-as-bait thing. Burton Guster: You had no problem dangling his girlfriend out there as bait. Shawn Spencer: Now you're changing the rules, aren't you? Look at Raj. He's getting awfully hands-y over there. Taking advantage of the situation like that! Carlton Lassiter: [over the walkie talkie] No, he's definitely bugged by O'Hara dating this guy. Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't leave the talk button on.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - TBA Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn saves Juliet] What'd I miss? Shawn Spencer: Not me getting slapped in the face. Burton Guster: By a girl. Abigail Lytar: Cause that didn't happen.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Bollywood Homicide Carlton Lassiter: [after Shawn saves Juliet] What'd I miss? Shawn Spencer: Not me getting slapped in the face. Burton Guster: By a girl. Abigail Lytar: Cause that didn't happen.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - TBA Carlton Lassiter: I'm really sorry, Spencer, I can't play with you today. I'm about to go solve another case and do it in record time. Carlton Lassiter: Hello. Shawn Spencer: It is at this point that I must decide which part of that very bold statement to riff off of. Now, I can hone in on "another", which implies that he's solved more than one. Abigail Lytar: That's pretty easy, though. Shawn Spencer: Or I crack down on "record time" in posit that, for him, record time is, like, two and a half years. Abigail Lytar: Good, not great. Shawn Spencer: You drive a hard bargain. Abigail Lytar: You love it. Carlton Lassiter: I know! Why don't you go home and wait for me not to call you? Shawn Spencer: He's just saying that so it'll be more dramatic later on when he has to ask for my help. Abigail Lytar: More dramatic for who? Shawn Spencer: I don't know. Shawn Spencer: That guy, I guess.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Bollywood Homicide Carlton Lassiter: I'm really sorry, Spencer, I can't play with you today. I'm about to go solve another case and do it in record time. Carlton Lassiter: Hello. Shawn Spencer: It is at this point that I must decide which part of that very bold statement to riff off of. Now, I can hone in on "another", which implies that he's solved more than one. Abigail Lytar: That's pretty easy, though. Shawn Spencer: Or I crack down on "record time" in posit that, for him, record time is, like, two and a half years. Abigail Lytar: Good, not great. Shawn Spencer: You drive a hard bargain. Abigail Lytar: You love it. Carlton Lassiter: I know! Why don't you go home and wait for me not to call you? Shawn Spencer: He's just saying that so it'll be more dramatic later on when he has to ask for my help. Abigail Lytar: More dramatic for who? Shawn Spencer: I don't know. Shawn Spencer: That guy, I guess.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Extradition: British Columbia Carlton Lassiter: [on the phone] Are you in my apartment? Shawn Spencer: Please! I haven't snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, we're all out of peanut butter.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Extradition: British Columbia Carlton Lassiter: Can you believe that? A high-ranking member of U.S. law enforcement not being allowed to carry his weapon on him! Juliet O'Hara: Did you really think it wouldn't set off the metal detector? Carlton Lassiter: I've got to get my hands on a gun, O'Hara. I have enemies everywhere. Maybe I can pick one up at the hotel. Juliet O'Hara: Oh, absolutely, right downstairs in the gift shop. They have Kleenex, mixed nuts, and 9-millimeter Lugers.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Extradition: British Columbia Carlton Lassiter: Hello, Despereaux! Bet you're not too happy to see me right about now, are you? Pierre Despereaux: I have absolutely no idea who you are.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - Tuesday the 17th Carlton Lassiter: It's not about the past anymore, it's about tomorrow. So I'm not gonna say a word. And you know that I want to. I wanna scream to the sky that I would do anything to get you back. But I'm going to let you go, because that's what you want. And once you walk out that door I am going to let go of everything I've been holding on to so we can both have tomorrow.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - Tuesday the 17th Carlton Lassiter: It's not about the past anymore. It's about tomorrow. So I'm not gonna say a word. Even though I know that I want to scream to the sky that I would do anything to get you back, but I'm going to let you go. Because that's what you want. Once you walk out that door, I'm gonna let go of everything I've been holding on to, so we can both have tomorrow.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Truer Lies Carlton Lassiter: Then maybe you'd like to tell me who did kill him. Lyin' Ryan: An Assassin. Carlton Lassiter: An Assassin. Lyin' Ryan: A hired assassin. No, two of them actually. Yes, you see, that has to be it. The night before, I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called Fries Cuatro Quesos Dos Fritos. You know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and an ancho chili sour cream. Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise, I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guy with the curly-Q's on his face tell the other guy at the corner table about the assassination plot. Shawn Spencer: Can this be true? Burton 'Gus' Guster: No way. Shawn Spencer: I mean, is it even possible? Burton 'Gus' Guster: I couldn't imagine it. Shawn Spencer: There's no way you can prepare a fry like that. That'd be way too much for the human palate to manage. Burton 'Gus' Guster: It would be a flavor seizure.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central Carlton Lassiter: Yeah. We pulled up Vlad's body an hour ago. Karen Vick: Mr. Spencer, it looks like you're a little late to the game this time. Carlton Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure 80s film? Wow! O'Hara, write this down. Juliet O'Hara: I don't have a pen. Carlton Lassiter: Make note of the date and time that I, Carlton Lassiter, actually shut Shawn Spencer's cavernous pie hole. Carlton Lassiter: Sorry, what was that? Shawn Spencer: Something about "Night of the Comet". Just forget it.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Earth, Wind and...Wait for It Karen Vick: Who gave you access to the file room? Shawn Spencer: Irrelevant! And, immaterial. Carlton Lassiter: Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you? Karen Vick: Mr. Spencer... Shawn Spencer: He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument. Morgan Conrad: You're an idiot. Shawn Spencer: That's less compelling. Move to strike. Morgan Conrad: Please remove him. Carlton Lassiter: Gladly. Shawn Spencer: Sidebar, Ms. Conrad.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Earth, Wind and...Wait for It Carlton Lassiter: I want our killer... Shawn Spencer: Arsassin! Or karsonist? Burton 'Gus' Guster: Arsassin.
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Gus Walks into a Bank Carlton Lassiter: I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this. Shawn Spencer: Aargh! Code! That is your biggest problem! Carlton Lassiter: Oh, it's my problem? Shawn Spencer: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods. I know you don't like me. But we are pressed for time, and I'm telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here? Carlton Lassiter: You take shotgun. Shawn Spencer: You are so sexy right now!
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Gus Walks into a Bank Shawn Spencer: All right, Jules, give me one good reason why you find this guy attractive. Juliet O'Hara: Shawn... Shawn Spencer: You can't give me one? Juliet O'Hara: I can think of many! Shawn Spencer: Is one of them that you're looking forward to giving him sponge baths in the near future? Juliet O'Hara: I happen to find his age and his maturity appealing. He is distinguished and virile and, most importantly, he knows who he is, and that is attractive. Carlton Lassiter: [amused] You two know I'm in the van, right?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Talk Derby to Me Shawn Spencer: Earlier, I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in this many months, no leads. Carlton Lassiter: The Chief told you that? Shawn Spencer: No, she did. Shawn Spencer: She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i". She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room. Carlton Lassiter: The mannequin told you that? Shawn Spencer: No, the Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Talk Derby to Me Karen Vick: Eighty suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer, it wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it? Shawn Spencer: Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety and it's going to take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get them to talk. Carlton Lassiter: Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse. Shawn Spencer: Negative. We cannot go about this using a typical Lassiterian technique. We need someone on the inside. Karen Vick: Are you saying you want to go undercover? Shawn Spencer: Undercover, yes. Me, no. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified for this sort of thing. Carlton Lassiter: Don't worry about it, Spencer. I've been itching to do some undercover work...and I got a new mustache guy. Shawn Spencer: I like where your head's at because this is going to take a very specific skill set, and there's only one person in this room who can pull it off. I've just got one question... Shawn Spencer: Can you skate?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Talk Derby to Me Carlton Lassiter: Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this. Shawn Spencer: Sure, Chief, Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he's a demon on wheels and, of course, he's so very good with women. Karen Vick: Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you're never more obvious then when you're undercover. Perhaps you've forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005?
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - There Might Be Blood Carlton Lassiter: This is great! Barbara just witnessed the Chief choose me over Spencer. In her eyes, my stock just went up. Now if I could just get her to witness me discharge my weapon.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Carlton Lassiter: [activated a bomb to flush out the bad guy] Spencer, I'd appreciate it in the future if you just played with your own life.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Juliet O'Hara: [thought they seized property from diamond smugglers, but the cargo container was filled with wild marmosets instead] All I can remember after that are... are hundreds of those... tiny, razor-sharp claws... and teeth! Carlton Lassiter: Lower primate, my ass! I recognize a military formation when I see one.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Buzz McNab: [Lassiter and O'Hara walk into the police station looking like road-kill] What happened to you guys? Carlton Lassiter: The diamond smuggling case that Detective O'Hara wanted to take didn't go quite as planned. Juliet O'Hara: That I wanted to take! You're the one who insisted on it, Mr. Head Detective.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Buzz McNab: Wow! Thanks, guys. This means a lot. The fact that you think so highly of me that... Carlton Lassiter: Yeah, yeah, we love you. Get back to work.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Carlton Lassiter: When will people learn that alcohol and hydrochloric acid don't mix? Burton 'Gus' Guster: Technically they do.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! Juliet O'Hara: We were in a small windowless cabin on the lubber deck. Carlton Lassiter: That's apparently a nautical term for "place they send you to puke". Juliet O'Hara: Had to wash my hair three times. Carlton Lassiter: Sorry about that.

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