Porridge (UK) Quotes

Porridge (UK)

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Unknown Episode: Prison Doctor: Well, Fletcher, let me tell you something. Of all the penal institutions in the north of England, my infirmary has the lowest record of admissions, and Donaldson, who's serving a five year stretch for grand larceny and embezzlement, had a better chance of getting a Barclaycard than you have of getting into my infirmary. Out!
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Happy Release Blanco: There was me and two brothers. There was Jack Barrett, and Harry... er... Fletch: What, Barrett, was it? Blanco: Aye, that's right. Did you know 'im? Fletch: No, only through his brother, like...
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Happy Release Fletch: Is this gonna take long, Blanco? Only my foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up...
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Just Deserts Fletch: [working in the library] I've still got a long and complicated itinerary to complete, sir. Barrowclough: You're taking your time because you know that when you finish you've got to paint it, which is what you were put here for in the first place! Fletch: [grinning innocently] Still waiting for the paint, sir. Barrowclough: Where is it? Fletch: [looking falsely concerned] Stolen, sir! Barrowclough: [sitting down with his head in his hands] What's wrong with this prison? Fletch: There's a strong criminal element in here, sir.
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: I don't quite know how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us.
	Unknown Episode: MO: Suffer from any illness? Fletch: Bad feet. MO: Suffer from any illness? Fletch: Bad feet! MO: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital? Fletch: Only with my bad feet! ... MO: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual. Fletch: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?
	Unknown Episode: MO: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me. Fletch: What, from 'ere?
	Unknown Episode: Godber: She had lovely... Fletch: I know what she had lovely, this is her father you're talking to, Godber, so be very careful! Godber: Eyes! I was going to say. Lovely eyes. Fletch: That's all right then. ... Godber: She's a canny old soul, my mum, but she only normally gives me a catalogue of family ailments. Fletch: No news of the lovely Denise, then? Godber: She don't talk about Denise on account of she doesn't approve of her - because she wears green nail varnish and doesn't wear a bra. Fletch: Sounds as if your fianc"e Denise and my Ingrid have got quite a lot in common. Godber: Your Ingrid's got nicer knockers.
	Unknown Episode: Godber: [about Blanco] What did he originally get sent down for? Fletch: Now you know you don't ask that. It's not what a man was that's important, it's what he is now. Godber: There's nothing you can say that would turn me against him - he's one of the nicest blokes in here. Fletch: Done his wife! Godber: What? Fletch: Done her in! Locked her in the deep freeze! Godber: And we hang around with a horrible old scrote like that? Fletch: That's why you don't ask, see?
	Unknown Episode: Mackay: There are only two rules in this prison: 1 - do not write on the walls. 2 - You obey all the rules.
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: One can't help noticing a change in your old lady's attitude of late. Barrowclough: How can you tell that? Fletch: Oh, little things, like the certain smile that plays around your lips when you're telling us to slop out. Barrowclough: What sort of smile? Fletch: The smile of a man who's getting his oats!
	Unknown Episode: Barrowclough: You're writing a book? Fletch: Yeah - a sort of inside guide to prison life. But don't worry, I've not overlooked your boys in blue - I will be dealing just as much with your issues as those of our fellow felons. Barrowclough: Oh, good. And what are you going to call this book? Fletch: Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down.
	Unknown Episode: Mrs Heskith: You're only supposed to take two before retiring. Governor Venables: If we don't put a stop to this riot soon, that could be tomorrow!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: A lot of famous people were born out of wedlock you know. All those royals in history, Lawrence of Arabia, Napper Wainwright ... McLaren: Who's Napper Wainwright? Fletch: He was a screw I knew in Brixton - mind you, he WAS a bastard!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: He's got stripes - we'll have to hope success has mellowed him. Wainwright: [very rapidly and sharply, to another prisoner]Something to say to me, have you? Well my name's Wainwright; you will address me as Mr Wainwright or Sir! Fletch: It has.
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: I haven't been so put out since my son Raymond crept back into school one night and had a prior peek at the exam papers. Godber: Did he? Fletch: Yes he did! And he still didn't bleedin' pass!
	Unknown Episode: Warren: I've got this letter, like. Fletch: From a woman, it looks like, and, judging by the handwriting and stationery, a woman of low standards. Warren: That's right! It's from the wife!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: Advice to the lovelorn, you want, is it, Warren? Compose an appropriate reply? Warren: No, it's simpler than that, Fletch. I just want you to read it to me.
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: Put the word about that I am incommunicado. Blanco: You're in the where? Fletch: I do not wish to be disturbed!
	Unknown Episode: Warren: Fletch... Fletch: I'm thinking, naff off! Warren: Thinking? Fletch: Yes. I know that to some of you nurks in here, it's an alien pastime, but those of us endowed with a bit of grey matter where it matters, namely up here, preserve our identity and our sanity in this nick by thinking! Warren: But what are you thinking? Fletch: At the moment, I'm thinking why doesn't this bloke Warren naff off and leave me alone!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: Didn't one governor let you grow grapes? Blanco: Aye, that's right - they were over there. I'd read all about them and I knew I could grow grapes. Bloomin' marvel, they were. Course they made me pack it in. Fletch: How come? Blanco: Grapes make wine, don't they? Fletch: Oh, really? I always used potato peelings and anti-freeze myself! Blanco: We managed to put down a dozen bottles before they tumbled us. Fletch: Good drop was it? Blanco: Well, in the wine stakes, I don't suppose it were a classic, but to a man who hadn't had a drink in eleven years, Chateau Slade was the finest drop in the land ...
	Unknown Episode: Mackay: What have you got there, Fletcher? Fletch: [sotto voce] Crown jewels [out loud] chicken feed! Mackay: Empty it. Fletch: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay! Mackay: Empty it! Mackay: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving! Fletch: I won't, Mr Mackay. Mackay: You won't what? Fletch: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!
	Unknown Episode: Godber: I'm only in here due to tragic circumstances. Fletch: Which were? Godber: I got caught.
	Unknown Episode: Barrowclough: I'm Scots on my mother's side, well, a bit of everything really. Scots, Irish, Polish ... Fletch: Got about a bit, your mother.
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: When Harry Grout asks a favour of you, it is on the express understanding that favour gets done. Otherwise he takes it as a personal insult, and send round a henchman to mete out dire retribution. From Crusher With Love!
	Unknown Episode: Mackay: Typical of Fletcher's devious mentality to turn the man into some sort of martyr. Governor Venables: Yes - the last thing a prison needs, Mr Mackay, is a martyr.
	Unknown Episode: Mackay: What are you doing, Fletcher? Fletch: Just adjusting the television, Mr Mackay! Mackay: With the set above your head? Fletch: Yes, it's the vertical hold! Warren: Look! We've got a picture!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: You eat like pigs an' all!
	Unknown Episode: Warren: You know when you're playing draughts with Fletch, and he says he's dropped one and can you please look for it, and you do, and when you get up again you see the board's been re-arranged? That's all cheating is. Fletch: Yeah - that's all it is. Warren: Oh, so you admit to it!
	Unknown Episode: Fletch: Oh, by the way - when you have your medical, tell him you've got bad feet. Godber: Why? Fletch: 'cos then you might get your brothel-creepers back. Otherwise you'll be given prison boots - and they're guaranteed to give you bad feet for the rest of your life!

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