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 | Season 3 / Episode 6: - Final Stretch Mackay: I've noticed a change in your attitude since Laddo's release. Fletch: I just want out, that's all. Ten months if I keep my nose clean. Mackay: Not throwing in the towel, are we, Fletcher? Or are you acknowledging that the system always wins? Fletch: Nobody wins, Mr Mackay, that's what's so tragic. Mackay: Normally I'd hesitate at putting a sprog in here, Fletcher, but I think the new Fletcher could be just what he needs. Fletch: Oh, going to have a bit of company down below, am I? Mackay: Got a young lad called Nicholson moving in here. Fletch: He's not a Scot, is he? I mean, we do draw the line somewhere. Mackay: No, he's from Sunderland. Fletch: Dangerously close! Mackay: Bit of a tearaway, keeps lashing out. You'll keep an eye on him? Fletch: Difficult not to in a room this size! Mackay: No, I mean, you'll show him what you've learned. Fletch: All right. What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Mackay: That there's no use in bucking the system. Fletch: All right. I'll just tell him three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Pardon Me Mackay: Typical of Fletcher's devious mentality to turn the man into some sort of martyr. Governor Venables: Yes - the last thing a prison needs, Mr Mackay, is a martyr. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Pardon Me Fletch: Can you believe it? [sees he's got a "Go To Jail" card] |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Pardon Me Fletch: Listen, we all know that you didn't kill your old lady, see. Which means that some other bloke did. And you've paid the penance for it, right? But I don't want you going out there harbouring any thoughts of revenge, all right? Blanco: No, I know 'im wot did it. It were the wife's lover. But don't worry, I shan't go round searching for him. 'e died years ago. Fletch: Well, that's all right then... Blanco: That I do know. It were me that killed him! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - Poetic Justice Fletch: [to Rawley, the judge who sentenced him] If I'd known you was crooked I could have slipped you a few bob! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - No Way Out Prison Doctor: Well, Fletcher, let me tell you something. Of all the penal institutions in the north of England, my infirmary has the lowest record of admissions, and Donaldson, who's serving a five year stretch for grand larceny and embezzlement, had a better chance of getting a Barclaycard than you have of getting into my infirmary. Out! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - No Peace For the Wicked Warren: You know when you're playing draughts with Fletch, and he says he's dropped one and can you please look for it, and you do, and when you get up again you see the board's been re-arranged? That's all cheating is. Fletch: Yeah - that's all it is. Warren: Oh, so you admit to it! |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - No Peace For the Wicked Fletch: [sings] I believe for every bit of rain that falls... someone gets wet. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 4: - Happy Release Blanco: There was me and two brothers. There was Jack Barrett, and Harry... er... Fletch: What, Barrett, was it? Blanco: Aye, that's right. Did you know 'im? Fletch: No, only through his brother, like... |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Happy Release Fletch: Is this gonna take long, Blanco? Only my foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up... |
| Season 2 / Episode 4: - Happy Release Fletch: [singing] Born Free, until someone caught me, now I'm doin' solitary... |
 | Season 2 / Episode 3: - Disturbing the Peace Fletch: He's got stripes - we'll have to hope success has mellowed him. Wainwright: [very rapidly and sharply, to another prisoner] Something to say to me, have you? Well my name's Wainwright; you will address me as Mr Wainwright or Sir! Fletch: It has. |
| Season 2 / Episode 3: - Disturbing the Peace Mackay: I think some of you wrongly assumed that I had left you for good. But, as you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Only... I am somewhat disturbed to hear what has been happening in my absence. So now... We're going to have a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Feet will not touch the floor. Lives will be made a misery. I am back, and I am in charge here. [leaves. Fletch, Godber and the other prisoners start singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" for Mackay] |
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Heartbreak Hotel Fletch: With you, it's different. I mean, you're young, you're healthy, you've got an honest face. Godber: Is that enough? Fletch: Yeah, I think so, yeah. Character, that's what I can read there. That's what you've got, son. Character. You're a good lad. Godber: So you think, Fletch, that if somebody cared for me, like, a girl, like, she'd... uh... forgive me past misdemeanours? Fletch: Yeah. If she's any sort of human being, yes she would, yeah. Any human being would. You see, you've got to learn to believe in yourself, ain't ya, eh? 'Cause I believe in ya. Godber: Do ya? Fletch: Of course I do, yeah. Godber: [handing him an envelope] Oh, well, I'll post this, then. Could you get your mucker, Barrowclough to post it in the village for me quiet, like? Fletch: Who is it? BBC? Godber: Yeah. It's on plain notepaper, so they won't know it's from a prisoner. Fletch: "Hello Young Lovers Corner?" Is all this soul-searching just for the benefit of that slag Denise? Godber: No, not her! Fletch: Who, then? Godber: Ingrid. Fletch: ...my Ingrid? Godber: Our eyes met across the crowded room... Fletch: My daughter, Ingrid? Godber: And though we didn't know each other, we both knew... Fletch: You think I'd let my daughter Ingrid hang out with the likes of YOU, A JUVENILE DELINQUENT FROM THE BACK STREETS OF BIRMINGHAM? [grabs Godber] |
| Season 2 / Episode 2: - Heartbreak Hotel Fletch: [on Godber] 'Ol love-lorn Lenny here wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoner requests. Mackay: No. Oh no. The answer to that is no. On the grounds that it could cause embarrassment. Godber: Embarrassment? Mackay: To the prisoner's families. The families might've excused his absence by telling the neighbours that the felon in question was abroad, or working on a North Sea oil rig. Godber: Oh. I see. Mackay: No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends that you are on a five-year safari. [laughs] Fletch: No, she just tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - Just Deserts Fletch: [working in the library] I've still got a long and complicated itinerary to complete, sir. Barrowclough: You're taking your time because you know that when you finish you've got to paint it, which is what you were put here for in the first place! Fletch: [grinning innocently] Still waiting for the paint, sir. Barrowclough: Where is it? Fletch: [looking falsely concerned] Stolen, sir! Barrowclough: [sitting down with his head in his hands] What's wrong with this prison? Fletch: There's a strong criminal element in here, sir. |
| Season 2 / Episode 1: - Just Deserts Fletch: I don't quite know how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 5: - Ways and Means Fletch: A lot of famous people were born out of wedlock you know. All those royals in history, Lawrence of Arabia, Napper Wainwright... McLaren: Who's Napper Wainwright? Fletch: He was a screw I knew in Brixton - mind you, he WAS a bastard! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 4: - A Day Out Barrowclough: Come on, Fletcher, you've been convicted of breaking and entering. Fletch: Ah, "entering" being the operative word, Mr Barrowclough. I ain't never been convicted of breaking out of nowhere. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 3: - A Night In Fletch: Who's been having your old lady while you've been on nights? Mr Collinson: Oh, that IS original, Fletcher. I've been getting that for the last seven years. Fletch: So's she an' all! |
| Season 1 / Episode 3: - A Night In Fletch: [to Godber] We could go out, you know... yeah, I could phone up a couple of them dolly birds that dance on Top of the Pops. What are they called? Pan's People. There's one special one - beautiful Babs. Dunno what her name is. |
| Season 1 / Episode 3: - A Night In Fletch: That's what you've got to tell yourself, you're just having a quiet night in. Godber: Trouble is, I've got six hundred and ninety-eight quiet nights in to go... |
 | Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Judge: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges. Judge: 'It is now my duty to pass sentence. Judge: You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards. Judge: 'We commit you to the maximum term allowed. Judge: 'You will go to prison for five years.' |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Norman Stanley Fletcher: With these eggs I'm smuggling in, I can get a quarter ounce of shag, two tubes of toothpaste, Norman Stanley Fletcher: or three bars of Fruit 'n' Nut. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Or I could see Smutty Garland, the porn king, Norman Stanley Fletcher: and swap 'em for two dirty books, full of full-frontal, naked nubiles. Norman Stanley Fletcher: I'd rather have the Fruit 'n' Nut, meself. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Ives: Come on, girl, force it out! Effort! Get going! Come on my beauty! Come on, darling, effort! You can do it, squeeze it out, my son. Come on, son Norman Stanley Fletcher: "Son"? It's a girl, you nurk! Ives: What are you talking about? How do you know it's a girl? Norman Stanley Fletcher: All hens are, Ives. Yer male's yer cock. Ives: Oh. There's a lot more females than males, then. Norman Stanley Fletcher: That's why yer cock always looks so smug. He's got plenty of it about. Hence the term "cocksure". |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Ives: Here, mine looks inniment. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Inniment? What? Ives: Nah, go on, she's dropped off. Want to double the bet? Norman Stanley Fletcher: All right. Ives: Done. Norman Stanley Fletcher: You certainly have been. Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletcher finds an egg by slight of hand] Look at that - jackpot. Norman Stanley Fletcher: See? Thanks, my darling. And thank YOU, Ives. Ives: Listen, double or quits. Which hand are they in? Go on, fair's fair. Norman Stanley Fletcher: All right. [Fletcher points to Ives left clenched hand] That one. Ives: We're even. Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch clasps Ive's right hand] Oh, THAT'S the one. Ives: Now that's not funny. Not funny at all. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Can't take a yolk, some people. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Mr. Mackay: [Mackay shouts from outside] Ives! Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Ives has had an egg crushed in his right hand] What are you going to do? Shake hands with him, go on. [Ives walks out] Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch carries on talking to himself] What a loser. Poor old Ives, what a loser. You know, if Liz Taylor had triplets, and he was one, he'd be the one in the middle, on the bottle. Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch addresses the chicken] There you are, darling. You ain't a loser. You'd have won if I hadn't cut off your access. [Fletch removes paper from the hatch and retrieves an egg] Look at that, it's a beautiful one. How do you get them so egg-shaped? Norman Stanley Fletcher: Hang on a minute. Now then, girls. This is what's known as a perk of the job. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Pigs are Squealing and Fletcher is talking at them] God, you're messy. You eat like pigs an' all. Here, can you lot run? That's a thought, a pig race. Make a nice little flutter. The Slade Prison Selling Plate For Pigs. The Royal Cheltenham Pork Cup. Yeah, nice thought, that. I could run a book, couldn't I? Become an owner, have my own stable... sty. The thought appeals. [Pigs squeal again] Bacon Handicap. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch is bent down and talking to a chicken] Hello, darling. You trying again? Mr. Barrowclough: [Barrowclough enters unseen] Morning, Fletcher. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Eh? What? [Fletch stands up straight] Oh, hello, Mr Barrowclough. I thought it was... All right? Mr. Barrowclough: What was Ives doing? Norman Stanley Fletcher: He came in on his way to the silos, Mr Barrowclough. Mr. Barrowclough: Was he taking bets? Norman Stanley Fletcher: Bets? Mr. Barrowclough: We suspect he's Harry Grout's runner. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Runner? Mr. Barrowclough: Well, for taking the bets. Norman Stanley Fletcher: I see. Mr. Barrowclough: Grout's a long-term prisoner, and an unpleasant man. A sort of... unhealthy influence. We're pretty sure he runs both the gambling and the tobacco in this prison. You're a good chap, Fletcher. I don't want you sucked in to that circle. Norman Stanley Fletcher: Never fear, Mr Barrowclough. Gambling appalls me. I've seen its consequences. Mr. Barrowclough: It's a plague in this prison. Norman Stanley Fletcher: My poor old mother. It's not one of my vices. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Hustler Norman Stanley Fletcher: Here, can pigs run? Can they be trained to run? Mr. Barrowclough: Why? Norman Stanley Fletcher: I dunno, I just thought... Well, I thought they might like a little run, instead of having to walk like us pedestrians. A bit of exercise. Mr. Barrowclough: Nice to see you taking an interest in your fellow creatures. |
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