Police Squad! Quotes

Police Squad!

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Veronica: Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that. Det. Frank Drebin: Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: So the girl had come back from her honeymoon. She was alone, and her parents welcomed her with open arms. They said to her, "Delilah - hat gut gemacht!"
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Capt. Ed Hocken: [reading file] Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Ted Olson, Scientist: Katie, why don't you run along now. Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Coroner: It's a typical four-fifthteen. Det. Frank Drebin: Four-fifthteen? Coroner: Yes, the body was found 415 feet from the car.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Dick Clark: Johnny, some kids on the show yesterday mentioned a new kind of music, ska. You know anything about it? Johnny the Snitch: How should I know? Johnny the Snitch: Nothing but a modern offshoot of reggae, updated white rock influences, definately upbeat. It'll never become really popular because even though they've made the back beat more conventional, it's still too exotic for mass acceptance. Dick Clark: Johnny, I also need some more of that secret formula enternal youth cream you have.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence. As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Capt. Ed Hocken: [getting McBreen out of Frank's way so he can take over his job] You Nicky McBreen? Nicky McBreen: Yeah. Capt. Ed Hocken: You're under arrest. Nicky McBreen: For what? Capt. Ed Hocken: Reproducing the accounts, pictures or descriptions of a major league baseball game without the express written consent of the commissioner. Nicky McBreen: Ok, so I tapes a game. Capt. Ed Hocken: All right, let's go. [leads him away] Nicky McBreen: I had a few friends over, but I, but I, didn't charge them. All right, a couple of bucks a head.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: [telling dumb sister jokes as Tony Dewonderful] She was also dumb, she came in one time with a hot tarr on her hand and she said: "look what I almost stepped in".
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Vic: [to Drebin] I've seen the greatest: Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski, that was the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: Cigarette? Lester the ventriloquist dummy: Yes, I know.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Ted Olson, Scientist: [having finally found drugs after completely taking apart a car] It was in the glove compartment.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: [as Tony Dewonderful] Where do you live, lady? Lady in audience: Right here. Det. Frank Drebin: At the table? Where'd you put your car, in the coat room? [drum roll, audience laughs]
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Vic: You got nothing on us! Capt. Ed Hocken: [puts on handcuffs] I do now!
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Capt. Ed Hocken: Well Frank, this case is all wrapped up. Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap. Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there together in the Statesville prison. Capt. Ed Hocken: Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana, Thames and Sally Decker.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh) Det. Frank Drebin: And you know Ed, what all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it. [freezeframe as Norberg hits a nail into a column, causing the entire set to collapse during the end credits]
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here? Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: Why don't you lie there till Tuesday... that's when they pick up the garbage.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Rocky: Betcha'd hate to see something happen to your little key store. Det. Frank Drebin: What about my little keaster? Rocky: Key STORE.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: Now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop. Capt. Ed Hocken: OK... Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken: A new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, and opens up a shop. Det. Frank Drebin: Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments. Capt. Ed Hocken: All right. Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken: That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Fireman: Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker building. Johnny the Snitch: So? I don't know anything about it. Johnny the Snitch: That's a furniture warehouse. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl, you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam. And bring in a cherry picker to evacuate the survivors.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: Cigarette? Jill the Ballet Teacher: Yes it is.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool. Police officer: [off camera] Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich. Det. Frank Drebin: A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil. [another cop leaves] Capt. Ed Hocken: [off camera] Oh Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Ted Olson, Scientist: So Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalace of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity. Billy: Gee... Ted Olson, Scientist: It's, it's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on and it clings to every supple curve and soft, round... [there's a loud crash from the hall, then Frank enters] Billy: Oh Hi Frank. Eh, why don't you run along now, Billy. Next week don't forget to bring in those magazines you found under your father's bed. Billy: Ok, Mr. Olson. Bye. [leaves]
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: The way I look at it, you owe me 100 dollars for that window. Rocky: Us? I don't know what you're talking about. Det. Frank Drebin: So how do you explain this? [hands over the rock that came through the window] Leo: Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass...
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Det. Frank Drebin: How many of these apartment keys would you like? Stella: 50. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears. [hands over an envelope]
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Dutch Gunderson: [on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on? Det. Frank Drebin: [instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses... Dutch Gunderson: Honey, I gotta go.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got a knife! Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got a club! Jill the Ballet Teacher: He's got a signed Picasso! Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got herpes! He's got cold sores.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) Dutch: Who are you and how did you get in here? Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.

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