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 | Season 5 / Episode 11: - Women In Garbage April Ludgate: This is Stacy Knoblock's house. I went to high school with her and she was super mean to me. Now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wedge wasn't naturally blonde! Oh my god. She has to use prescription strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life! |
 | Season 5 / Episode 4: - Sex Education Ann Perkins: Seniors can get pretty ornery. Andy Dwyer: I think that's pronounced horny. |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - Sex Education April Ludgate: We're still going to assassinate him, right? Ben Wyatt: Don't say that. |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - Sex Education Marshall Langman: Girl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I love it! |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - Sex Education Leslie Knope: Let's pretend we're old people and ask Ann our most dirtiest questions. I'll start. Leslie Knope: [imitating an old lady] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president. Ann Perkins: Well with the elderly, we're not so much worried about pregnancy, we're worried about disease. Andy Dwyer: Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? Ann Perkins: I don't think so. Andy Dwyer: Because it's happening to me. Donna Meagle: Where can I get lube that is healthy? Andy Dwyer: I rolled my testicles with my jazzy scooter. Leslie Knope: I say you look good, nursy. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo! Ann Perkins: [pointing to Donna] You should never eat lube. Ann Perkins: [pointing to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately. Ann Perkins: [pointing to Leslie] And I'm sorry sir, but you need to be under 40 to ride this train. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 21: - Bus Tour Andy Dwyer: Codenames: Mine is "Eagle 1." Ann is "Been there, done that". April is "Currently doing that." Donna is "It happened once in a dream." Chris is "If I had to pick a dude." Ben is "Eagle 2." Ben Wyatt: Oh, thank God. |
| Season 4 / Episode 21: - Bus Tour Andy Dwyer: Eagle 1: "Been there, done that" is leaving the stage. "I'd be lying if I said 'I hadn't thought about it'" is in position. |
| Season 4 / Episode 21: - Bus Tour April Ludgate: I wasn't listening, but I definitely disagree with Ann! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 14: - Operation Ann Ron Swanson: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. Leslie Knope: Wow. Great attitude, Ron. Ron Swanson: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Comeback Kid Ben Wyatt: Hi. April Ludgate: Champion? Andy Dwyer: Champion, oh there you are. We thought we lost you. Ben Wyatt: That is a three legged dog. Andy Dwyer: Yeah, his name is Champion. Because he is the world dog champion. Ben Wyatt: I'm sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him? Andy Dwyer: Three! That's what makes him the best. He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four. April Ludgate: Except for digging. He's really bad at digging. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Citizen Knope Ann Perkins: Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus. Andy Dwyer: Can I go first? [to camera; shows his framed gold record] Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it. Donna Meagle: Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones, [turns around] "You Can Get It!" Tom Haverford: "I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in: [shows text that says... ] "Baller Time!" April Ludgate: [Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle. Ron Swanson: Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself. [Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once] She had it installed over the weekend. It's so... [starts crying] it's so beautiful. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 6: - End of the World Andy Dwyer: Thank you so much. I never would've ever done this without you. Thank you. [Andy pulls April into him and kisses her on the forehead] |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - End of the World Andy Dwyer: [at the Grand Canyon] Where are the faces... of the Presidents? |
 | Season 4 / Episode 3: - Born & Raised Joan Callamezzo: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things. If you know what I mean. [Joan gets up from the table and trips] Ben Wyatt: Is she gonna powder her vagina? Tom Haverford: You gotta help me, man! Ben Wyatt: Why? It seems to be going the usual amount of gross. Tom Haverford: No, this is way different! She's not married anymore! She had like five bottles of alcohol and she's calling me "Caramel"! You've gotta throw some cold water on the situation. Start talking about nerd stuff! Ben Wyatt: You know, "nerd culture" is mainstream now. So, when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, it means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist. Tom Haverford: Yes, that's perfect. Just like that: be incredibly boring. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 2: - Ron & Tammys Andy Dwyer: Oh my God! There's a room full of just guns! Leslie Knope: Why do you have so many guns? Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it? Leslie Knope: Yes. Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. Let's go. April Ludgate: Ok well that's definitely Ron's mom. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Ron & Tammys Tom Haverford: Look, I got some documents over at Entertainment 720 that seem really complicated and I thought maybe you could take a look at them because nerd stuff probably really excites you, because you're a nerd. Ben Wyatt: [sarcastically] No, of course, yeah. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pour over some spreadsheets. It sounds great. What do you got? Tom Haverford: Something called break even analysis tables. Ben Wyatt: Oh break evens? Those are really fun! Yeah sure I'll take a look. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Ron & Tammys Jean-Ralphio: [to Ben] Who are you? Tom Haverford: This is Ben. He's here to help us with the paperwork. Jean-Ralphio: Ben is that your real name? Ben Wyatt: Yes... Jean-Ralphio: Oh you could do better than that. I'm gonna help you out right now, your name is Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don't know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don't have any pens 'cause we're afraid it's gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is [pause] Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions? |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Ron & Tammys Leslie Knope: Basically, we're being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense. Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? Who's this tall drink of water? Andy Dwyer: Andy. Tammy Two: Hey, Andy. How's it hanging? Leslie Knope: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat? Tammy Two: Well, I could do all of these things and half, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot. April Ludgate: Ew! Andy Dwyer: Can we take a peek at it? Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher, too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and destroy you with just one word. And a jar of acid. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Chris Traeger: Ann Perkins! You really know your testes. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Chris Traeger: Ann Perkins! Ann Perkins: Hey! Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo? Chris Traeger: I did! I was so proud of you. Ann Perkins: Okay, because now I have everyone in city hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mumps. Chris Traeger: Oh my god. Your inbox is literally filled with penises. I'm so sorry. Ann Perkins: Oh, look! Ed Miller from payroll. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Ron Swanson: I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie fuckin' Knope. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Jerry Gergich: Okay, so you're sure now that everything is okay that I'm... down there? Dr. Harris: Perfectly healthy. [to camera] That man has the largest penis I've ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I've ever seen. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Tammy One: Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors. April Ludgate: Thank you. Andy Dwyer: Wow, honey! Your breasts look amazing! |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Ron Swanson: If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk. Leslie Knope: I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One? Ron Swanson: You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. [Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup] |
 | Season 3 / Episode 16: - Li'l Sebastian Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Ron Swanson: Everyone is miserable. Tom can only work if there's someone to impress, so stranding him in Freak Island isn't helping anyone. You made April everyone's assistant. You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only perform when no one is looking. Shine a spotlight on him and he shrinks faster than an Eskimo's scrotum. |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Ron Swanson: Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again: I have a compromise. |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Marlene Knope: You got a keeper there. Leslie Knope: Thanks. Stay away from him. |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Donna Meagle: This isn't gonna work. [Ron spins his chair away from Donna] Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships! Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait. Donna Meagle: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him! |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Tom Haverford: Well, well, well. If it isn't Ethel Beavers. What's up, beautiful? Julianne Moore just called; she wants her hair back. Ethel Beavers: [Looks at list] Nobody named Julian called. Tom Haverford: Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions. One, can you help me out with this project we're doing? And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party? [Ethel picks up the phone] What are you doing? Ethel Beavers: I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working so you don't miss any more calls. Tom Haverford: You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Ethel Beavers: Okay. |
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