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Ron Swanson Quotes
 | Season 4 / Episode 14: - Operation Ann Ron Swanson: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. Leslie Knope: Wow. Great attitude, Ron. Ron Swanson: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Citizen Knope Ann Perkins: Leslie wishes she could be here herself to give you these presents, but she's suspended. Oh, and also, she said they're not from her, they're from Santa Claus. Andy Dwyer: Can I go first? [to camera; shows his framed gold record] Mouserat: Certified gold! Over 100 copies sold in Pawnee! I need a picture of me holding this so I can frame it. Donna Meagle: Personalized leopard-printed robe, pink feather cuffs, and on the back in rhinestones, [turns around] "You Can Get It!" Tom Haverford: "I know you're sad you couldn't get tickets to the Watch the Throne tour, so I got you a watch and a tiny throne instead." And check it out, she even took out the dumb clock part and put this in: [shows text that says... ] "Baller Time!" April Ludgate: [Holds up painting of her and the Black Eyed Peas' decapitated heads, with a shirtless Andy nearby] These are the Black Eyed Peas, and I finally killed them. It's a Christmas miracle. Ron Swanson: Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself. [Presses a clicker that closes both of his office doors at once] She had it installed over the weekend. It's so... [starts crying] it's so beautiful. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Ron Swanson: I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie fuckin' Knope. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - I'm Leslie Knope Ron Swanson: If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk. Leslie Knope: I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One? Ron Swanson: You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. [Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup] |
 | Season 3 / Episode 16: - Li'l Sebastian Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Ron Swanson: Everyone is miserable. Tom can only work if there's someone to impress, so stranding him in Freak Island isn't helping anyone. You made April everyone's assistant. You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only perform when no one is looking. Shine a spotlight on him and he shrinks faster than an Eskimo's scrotum. |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Ron Swanson: Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again: I have a compromise. |
| Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Bubble Donna Meagle: This isn't gonna work. [Ron spins his chair away from Donna] Okay, you did not just Swivel away while I was talking to you! This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup" because I can't fly spaceships! Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait. Donna Meagle: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to Swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 13: - The Fight Ron Swanson: Is this everybody? Donna Meagle: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first? Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt. [Everybody but Donna drunkenly laughs] |
 | Season 3 / Episode 12: - Eagleton Ron Swanson: [On the verge of tears] Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 11: - Jerry's Painting Ron Swanson: [to an artist standing next to a painting which is simply a blank white canvas] You forgot to paint a painting, son. |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Jerry's Painting Ron Swanson: [welcoming patrons to an art show] OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to "Visions of Nature." This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 10: - Soulmates Chris Traeger: Have you ever had a turkeyburger? Ron Swanson: Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious. |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Soulmates Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu. Chris Traeger: And if I win, what do I get? Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson. |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Soulmates Ron Swanson: I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos. |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Soulmates Ron Swanson: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 8: - Camping Elsa: Welcome to The Quiet Corn. I'm Elsa Clack. Breakfast is served between 5:30 and 6:15 AM. April Ludgate: What if we sleep to a normal hour? Elsa: Well, that would be very rude of you. May I take your breakfast order? We have hard-boiled eggs, homemade tamato slices with dry seed and leek jam and your choice of German muffin. Ron Swanson: ...what the fuck is a German muffin? |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - Camping Ron Swanson: All due respect Ms. Clack, stick a German muffin in it. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - Harvest Festival Tom Haverford: It's your fault Lil Sebastian is missing. Jerry Gergich: You were the one who was supposed to be watching him. April Ludgate: Jerry, could you please shut up? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy. Andy Dwyer: Ron, I don't know what I did wrong. April Ludgate: Ron, tell him he's stupid. Ron Swanson: OH, all of you shut up! Andy, April is mad because you said 'Awesome sauce' instead of 'I love you, too'. April, he loves you, so stop being a child. Tom, we all know that you lost Lil Sebastian. Jerry, you shouldn't have been burying your face into funnel cakes. Now all of you apologize. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Ron & Tammy: Part Two Ron Swanson: [Ron's girlfriend is moving away] I just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Ron & Tammy: Part Two Wendy Haverford: I'm getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home. Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as a companion. Wendy Haverford: Hey, I don't suppose you'd wanna move to Canada? Ron Swanson: [Spits out his coffee and laughs] Canada! No. I don't suppose I would. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Ron & Tammy: Part Two Ron Swanson: [Leslie and Ben are visiting Ron and Tammy in jail] Leslie! Congratulate us! Tammy Swanson: [Shows Leslie her ring] Ron's got one just like it on his penis. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Ron & Tammy: Part Two Ron Swanson: Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. Ben Wyatt: Your song is "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie? [Turns to Ron] Oh! Wow, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That' slovely. Ron Swanson: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - Go Big or Go Home Ron Swanson: Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 24: - Freddy Spaghetti Ron Swanson: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Master Plan Ron Swanson: What exactly will you be cutting and how much of it and can I watch you do it while eating Pork Cracklins? |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Master Plan Ron Swanson: What's a not gay way to ask him to go camping with me? |
| Season 2 / Episode 23: - The Master Plan Ron Swanson: Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry? Leslie Knope: We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens, and we think of warm brownies. Ron Swanson: Go do that in your office. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 20: - Summer Catalog Leslie Knope: Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food? Ron Swanson: People are idiots, Leslie. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 19: - Park Safety Leslie Knope: And finally, we are gonna kick off the children's concert series this weekend with a performance by Freddy Spaghetti. April Ludgate: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. Leslie Knope: No, that's Mr. Funnynoodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him. April Ludgate: Oh. Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill birdfeeders? Donna Meagle: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet? April Ludgate: Oh, sorry you guys. Sorry I'm late, I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed because I'm Jerry. Ron Swanson: [in confessional] David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office. |
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