Only Fools and Horses (UK) - Episode Quotes

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Only Fools and Horses (UK) Quotes

	Unknown Episode: Uncle Albert: It doesn't usually take us this long to finish. Del Boy: Yes, but that is because we are not golloping down a Big Mac and chips. We're taking our time. We're savouring the food and ambience. People in there are conversing between each mouthful. It's sophisticated... No matter, I'll whack this in the microwave... Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This isn't coffee. Smell it, it's bloody gravy. Uncle Albert: Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's them jars. How am I supposed to tell the difference? Del Boy: I tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House Coffee. On this it says OXO Gravy Granules. It's a bit of a give away. Uncle Albert: Well I was in a hurry and must have got mixed up. Del Boy: I'll mix you up in a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you made gravy in the coffee pot. What are they pouring over their dinners in there?
	Unknown Episode: Rodney: Well Trigger could be considered an expert... Mike Fisher: Trigger still don't know which end of the dart to throw!
	Unknown Episode: Uncle Albert: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays. Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert? Uncle Albert: When I was your age I was fighting in the war. Rodney: Well then you must have made more bloody noise than me then!
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: We're having a nice holiday. The Trotters turn up and within fifteen seconds some sod's shooting at us.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Sickness and Wealth Del Boy: There is nothing wrong with me. I just got normal pains. Uncle Albert: When you came in tonight you flopped straight down that chair in agony. Del Boy: You don't understand unc' that is PMA. Rodney: I thought only woman got that! Del Boy: No Rodney that is PMP. Del Boy: PMA is Positive Mental Attitude. Del Boy: It's the new buzz word, what all us yuppies get.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - The Unlucky Winner Is... Rodney: [Rodney is having to pretend he's 14 on a package holiday] Thanks to your general wally-ness, I am now a twenty four year old man who has just come second in a skateboard race! Del Boy: Second? You were in the lead when I saw you. Rodney: I fell off!
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Danger UXD Del: No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get Channel three!
	Unknown Episode: Del Boy: [talking about the gold stolen by "Freddy the Frog"] And what would they have done with it, eh? They either push it through a fence, in which case it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down. Now, that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time. Uncle Albert: What if the police found it? Del Boy: I'm talking about the police!
	Unknown Episode: Del Boy: I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers. Rodney Trotter: [with a chill in his voice] You went and saw the Driscoll brothers? Uncle Albert: Why, what they like? Rodney Trotter: Oh smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the two Ronnies, - Biggs and Kray!
	Unknown Episode: Rodney 'Dave' Trotter: People round here don't pay £60 for a painting, in fact people round here don't pay £60 for a car.
	Unknown Episode: Lady Victoria: [addressing Rodney] So, what's your name? Rodney: It's Rodney Trigger: [shouts from a distance] Watcha Dave! Rodney: It is Rodney, he's just a bit thick.
	Unknown Episode: Rodney: Oi, where did you get that gun? Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Iggy Iggins. Rodney: Iggy Iggins? Iggy Iggins robs banks. Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Yeah but it's a Saturday.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Rodney Trotter: [Del takes the wig off of Jumbo Mills head] How long you been bald then? Jumbo Mills: I'm not bald. Uncle Albert Trotter: No? Well thats one helluva parting you got their then!
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Video Nasty Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: Now this is a 'Jaws' type story. Rodney Trotter: But Jaws has been done already, Del. Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: I know, this is different. It's called, 'There Is A Rhino Loose In The City!' Rodney Trotter: There Is A...? Loose in...? as in a rhinoceros? Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: That's right. 'There Is A Rhino Loose in The City!' Uncle Albert Trotter: What's it about, Del?
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Longest Night Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: [to the check-out girl, who looks baffled] Did you get yer money back?... From the charm school.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Longest Night Lennox: [explaining his soubriquet, The Shadow, by paraphrasing lines from 'The Scarlet Pimpernel'] They seek him here, they seek him there/ those policemen seek him everywhere/ is he in heaven or is he in hell/ that dammed elusive... sh-a-a-a-a-dow.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Longest Night Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter: An hour ago you were the Man of Mystery; now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size!
	Unknown Episode: Del Boy: We got lost in the middle of the North Sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and we followed it. Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull? Del Boy: No. that's how we got to Zeebrugge. It was going the wrong bloody way.
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - May the Force Be with You Inspector Roy Slater: Remember Del? All us lads down the river playing pirates! Boycie was the first mate, Trigger was Long John Silver... What Part did I play Del? Del Boy: You played the bloke what walked the plank! Inspector Roy Slater: Ye that’s right... I was always the bloke that walked the plank! I was in and out of that water more times than a ducks head! I always wanted to be BlueBeard! Del Boy: Well you should have asked! Inspector Roy Slater: I did lots of times but you'd never let me! Del Boy: I did once Inspector Roy Slater: Oh ye I remember that was the day that BlueBeard had to walk the plank wasn't it!
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - Friday the 14th Del Boy: So what are you telling me then? The psycho's upstairs having a kip? Grandad: Well he could be up there Del... Del Boy: Well I shouldn't let it worry you, Grandad, cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Yellow Peril Del Boy: [Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench near their mother's grave] It's quiet here. Rodney: [half asleep, not really listening] Yeah... Del Boy: Peaceful. Rodney: Yeah... Del Boy: You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway tomorrow. Rodney: Yeah... Del Boy: The sun is shining, the birds are singing... Rodney: [waking up somewhat] What was that? Del Boy: The sun is shining and the birds are singing? Rodney: No, before that. Del Boy: Everything's quiet and peaceful? Rodney: No, Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds singing, you mentioned something about a Chinese takeaway!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Yellow Peril Grandad: [Rodney is furious after finding out the paint used on a decorating job was hooky] Tunnels? Del Boy: What? Rodney: No, he said that. Grandad: Trigger said this was for painting signs used in tunnels. Well, how can you see a sign in a tunnel? It's dark, innit? Trigger: Nah, 'salright, this is luminous paint. Del Boy: Exactly, Grandad, it's luminous paint and that means you can see in the - LUMINOUS?
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Long Legs of the Law Sandra: Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property? Rodney: Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Cash and Curry Del Boy: [During a heated exchange about living conditions] You had a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Big Brother Rodney: Come on, Del, let's have it. Just how do you see our respective roles in this partnership? Del Boy: I see it as a combination of my business acumen and salesmanship, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van. Badly. Or did you see yourself in a different position? Rodney: Well, yes I did, actually! With my qualifications and experience, I saw myself more in the role of a financial advisor! Del Boy: Financial advisor? Listen to this, Grandad. This morning, I had just clinched a deal to buy twenty five briefcases for £175, when my 'financial advisor' leapt in and advised me to pay £200 for 'em! And having done that, he then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! I mean, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie: Yeah, how? Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie: Yeah, how? Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie: Yeah, how? Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie: Yeah, how? Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
	Unknown Episode: Boycie: Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy: Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie: Yeah, how? Del Boy: 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.