One Foot in the Grave (UK) Quotes

One Foot in the Grave (UK)

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

One Foot in the Grave (UK) Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Exterminating Angel Margaret Meldrew: What time is your dentist appointment this morning? Victor Meldrew: 11.30 Margaret Meldrew: Thank God for that. I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime. It's like being kissed good-night by Buggs Bunny.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - The Exterminating Angel Margaret Meldrew: You haven't forgotten were going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight? Victor Meldrew: I try to forget were going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight, like you try to forget you're going to die, but it doesn't work. I wonder what hideous novelties they'll have brought back from their holidays this year? Another souvinear photograph printed on the back of a lavatory seat? I can't believe that pair sometimes.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Affair of the Hollow Lady Jean: I must have been out of my tiny mind to think that anyone would want this in their house. Other than to scare away the rats. It's absolutely hideous. Margaret: It's a very good likeness, though.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Affair of the Hollow Lady Margaret: [to Millicent] There's such a thing as "trust". You might want to look it up in the dictionary. It's under trollop!
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Affair of the Hollow Lady Margaret: In future, we'll be buying our potatoes from Sainsbury's!
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - The Affair of the Hollow Lady Margaret: It's called "trust" Millicent- you should try looking it up in the dictionary some time, it's next to "trollop".
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Trial Victor Meldrew: I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind... a mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark... I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Trial Victor Meldrew: [referring to Pepto Bismol] I don't know whether to drink this stuff or clean the windows with it.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Hearts of Darkness Victor Meldrew: What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Hearts of Darkness Nick Swainey: Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Descent into the Maelstorm Victor Meldrew: What's this! Jean Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out. Myself, I can hardly see a thing. Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... This isn't my suit! Jean Warboys: Isn't it? Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from? Jean Warboys: Oh, don't tell they mixed up the tickets again. Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out! Jean Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I? Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong C&A!
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Victor Meldrew: Oh, God Al-mighty!
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Salmon: So recession on recession. I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking for a third outlet in Pimleco. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say your friends with Mr. Salmon. Lisa: Oh, I don't know. Carol: Sounds a bit fishy to me. Lisa: You could be anybody. Salmon: Well you'll just have to trust me, won't you my sweet heart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was? Lisa: Lisa. Salmon: Lisa. And your friend? Carol: Carol. Salmon: Carrol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink after now I can't say fairer then that can I? Lisa: How do you know I'm not a natural blonde? Salmon: Well that's for you to prove otherwise isn't it. Victor Meldrew: Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up! Salmon: Sorry whats your problem matey? Victor Meldrew: Why don't you just dangle your private parts out the window?
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Victor Meldrew: A wasp in an ice cube? What next? Dog turd on a cocktail stick?
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Victor Meldrew: [complaining on being stuck for a long time in a traffic jam] I wish I was dead! Margaret Meldrew: I wish you were dead. Then we might get some peace.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Car Mechanics: [singing on tape to the tune of the hymn 'Guide Me O Thou Great Redeemer'] There's a bloke we can't stand any longer/Always on the bleedin' moan/Every time we mend his bloody Honda/He starts groaning on the phone/First, we fixed his car's ignition/Checked his brakes and clutch and then/Overhauled his whole transmission/He just brought it back again/Victor Meldrew, Victor Meldrew/He can stick it up his bum, up his bum/He can bugger off to kingdom come.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Beast in the Cage Victor Meldrew: The first 50 miles on the go all the way - a sense of direction - bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back - it's one way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb Victor Meldrew: [talking in his sleep] Not with the pastry... Not with the pastry! Margaret Meldrew: For God's sake, shut up! Victor Meldrew: [waking up] What's the matter? Margaret Meldrew: Will you stop going on about that bloody pastry every time you fall asleep? Victor Meldrew: Pastry? Why on earth would I talk about pastry in my sleep? Margaret Meldrew: I don't know.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb Victor Meldrew: [on the phone] Mel-drew! Victor Meldrew: Who? Well, put Mavis on, then. Victor Meldrew: I don't care is she is reproofing a yashmak; I want to speak to her. [to Margaret] Usual performance. She takes my ticket, disappears for half an hour, comes back. "Do you remember when you brought them in?" "Yes, last Thursday." Off she goes again, comes back. "What colour were they?" "Light grey." Off she goes again. still com- Hello! Victor Meldrew: Yes, I have got them here at home with me. I'm just wondering what idea of this rather offensive piece of paper I just found speared to the hook. [reads] "This garment was extremely badly soiled and bore stains of an unusually resilient nature." Victor Meldrew: What's it got to do with you? I bring my trousers in, I expect them to be dry cleaned, not reviewed in print by the laundry critic of the Sunday Times. You might as well get Bernard Levin to do an essay in my socks and be done with it. Victor Meldrew: Yeh! That's just the sort of remark I expected. I don't know why I bother.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - We Have Put Her Living in the Tomb Margaret Meldrew: By the way, I meant to tell you, I got another tortoise. I took it round to them this afternoon. They don't suspect a thing, so don't you say anything, right? Let's just let sleeping dogs lie. Victor Meldrew: I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone. I told her it was dead. Margaret Meldrew: But she didn't... oh... No.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - In Luton Airport, No-one Can Hear You Scream Margaret Meldrew: That's the little café where we used to go for our breakfast. That was our last day in Athens, actually. Mrs. Warboys: Nice one of the ruins. Margaret Meldrew: I think that's the hotel. Oh! Your postcard. Which I gave to Victor to post. Mrs. Warboys: Thanks. [reads] "Arrived safe and sound. Plane trip fine apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag. Tell you all about that later."
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - In Luton Airport, No-one Can Hear You Scream Victor Meldrew: Twenty-five years it took to grow that apple tree. I planted it in the spring of 1965. Feeding it, spraying it, mulching the soil, watering it through the droughts, giving it an annual dressing of potash and hydrogen every January. Not one sodding apple. Margaret Meldrew: Come on, let's go plant another one.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Return of the Speckled Band Margaret Meldrew: So, how's the food poisoning now? Margaret Meldrew: Oh, comes and goes when it thinks it will, you know. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... unh. Margaret Meldrew: Violently sick. Mrs. Warboys: Umh. This is nice; what is it? Margaret Meldrew: Well, I got the recipe from my- Oh, how was it? Victor Meldrew: Yes, very nice, very nice with my grey coat. Margaret Meldrew: Try it more at an angle. You've got it jammed on there like an aerosol cap. You need it more to one side. [she adjusts his hat] There. Makes you look more distinguished. Mrs. Warboys: Very smart. He looks like President Gorbachev.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Return of the Speckled Band Victor Meldrew: I suppose I am worrying about all this unduly, as usual. When you actually get to it, things often aren't as bad as you expect, are they? No, you're quite right, Margaret. I think I'm going to be all right on this plane trip after all.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Eternal Quadrangle Art Teacher: Now, you see, if you follow the actual curve of the thigh right the way up to the waist, you can see it's- Mr Meldrew. Victor Meldrew: [looking away] Mm? Art Teacher: You can see it's a virtual right-angle. There, you see? Victor Meldrew: Yes. Art Teacher: Now, look at her thighs, and look at your thighs. [Victor grunts] Not at the floor, Mr Meldrew, at her thighs. There aren't any thighs on the floor, are there? Victor Meldrew: No.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Eternal Quadrangle Victor Meldrew: I'm going down to the phone box to try and get through to someone helpful at British Telecom. I'm sorry, I seem to be uttering the demented gibberings of a madman.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - I'll Retire to Bedlam Victor Meldrew: [singing] Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Margaret Meldrew: You must be in a good mood. Victor Meldrew: Sunday morning, what is there to be miserable about? Sunday morning, the first day of a new week. I'm going to a nice little potter about in the garden where the insanities of life can't possibly upset me.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - I'll Retire to Bedlam Margaret Meldrew: Perhaps you should just have an early night tonight. You'll feel better in the morning. Victor Meldrew: Yes, I expect I will. Good night, then. Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams, it's just me smacking on some aftershave.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Valley of Fear Victor Meldrew: That's the last time I go out photographing badgers.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Valley of Fear Victor Meldrew: What the hell can I smell by this sideboard?

« previous12 next »

» Back to One Foot in the Grave (UK) TV Show