« Back to Character Profile
Alan Eppes Quotes
|Season 6 / Episode 11: - Scratch|
Alan Eppes: I hear Robin's back in town.
Don Eppes: Yeah, I'm really happy she's back.
Alan Eppes: Did you tell her that?
Don Eppes: Not yet, not in words, no.
Alan Eppes: You know, it's guys like you that make Beyonce sing that "Single Ladies" song.
|Season 5 / Episode 2: - Decoy Effect|
Alan Eppes: Listen, Charlie, when you're dealing with the Government... it doesn't hurt to have more than just the *facts* on your side.
|Season 4 / Episode 5: - Robin Hood|
Alan Eppes: [a pumpkin falls in the background and shatters on the ground like glass, startling Alan] What the hell was that?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: A Cal Sci Tradition. Every Halloween the students drop pumpkins from the highest point on campus.
Alan Eppes: From the roof of the library? [Another pumpkins shatters]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, the tradition further holds that the pumpkins be dipped in liquid nitrogen to intensify the explosion.
Alan Eppes: Well in that case, I'm starting a new tradition: The frightened student dash. [Runs down the stairs as another pumpkin drops]
|Season 4 / Episode 5: - Robin Hood|
Charlie Eppes: [Charlie walks in to his office to find his dad and Larry pulling pumpkins out of a liquid nitrogen bath] Oh no, please don't tell me you're encouraging this.
Alan Eppes: Now, don't blame Larry. This was my idea.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Yeah, your father though it would help him connect to the younger students.
Charlie Eppes: Well then, what's your excuse?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: I just like watching things explode.
|Season 3 / Episode 24: - The Janus List|
Alan Eppes: [Quoting poem by Siegfried Sassoon] "Light many lamps and gather round his bed/Lend him your eyes, warm blood, and will to live... But death replied: 'I choose him.' So he went/And there was silence in the summer night/Silence and safety; and the veils of sleep/Then, far away, the thudding of the guns."
|Season 3 / Episode 12: - Nine Wives|
Alan Eppes: We?
Charlie Eppes: Amita and I. We're driving down together.
Alan Eppes: Oh. A romantic weekend away together.
Charlie Eppes: Well, we will be driving through wine country.
|Season 3 / Episode 6: - Longshot|
Charlie Eppes: I'll be home later for dinner.
Alan Eppes: OK... I'm goin' out for dinner.
|Season 3 / Episode 1: - Spree (1)|
Alan Eppes: Larry, I'm going to give you the same advice I've given to all the geniuses I know.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: Which is?
Alan Eppes: Don't be an idiot.
|Season 2 / Episode 12: - The O.G.|
Alan Eppes: Hey listen, I want to ask you guy something. Um, it's her birthday coming up and I want to get her a gift. Something, I dunno. I just don't know what.
Don Eppes: It's just a question of what you want to say.
Alan Eppes: Well how about, happy birthday?
Charlie Eppes: You know, two mathematicians from University College of London actually recently addressed this, this very same question.
Alan Eppes: Mathematicians? English mathematicians?
Charlie Eppes: They used game theory to analyze the best characteristics of a courtship gift.
Don Eppes: Well, no offence Charlie, but it sounds like two math geeks who don't date much.
Charlie Eppes: I do take offence.
Alan Eppes: Aren't you going to introduce me to your girlfriend?
Charlie Eppes: You've met her before, she's not my girlfriend, I'm her thesis advisor.
Alan Eppes: Does that mean she can't be your girlfriend?
Charlie Eppes: It's, uh, it's against the rules.
Alan Eppes: Well, screw the rules. What's more important, learning or love? Well, I'm sure there's no rule against the father of her thesis advisor asking her out.
Charlie Eppes: Go for it, go right ahead, be my guest.
Amita Ramanujan: Thank you. Actually, I'm spoken for, Mr. Eppes.
Alan Eppes: Oh, really?
Amita Ramanujan: Back in Madras, my parents arranged for marriage to a family friend, a nice Hindu banker from Goa.
Charlie Eppes: Really? Getting married?
Amita Ramanujan: God, no, he's a total ass.
Alan Eppes: Oh.
Charlie Eppes: Dad, you're, like, hovering over us, and we have so much work to do.
Alan Eppes: I thought you already helped your brother out on this case.
Charlie Eppes: Something this complex needed to be checked and rechecked.
Alan Eppes: There's one thing you and your brother have in common: On some things, you're both very thorough; other stuff, you completely miss.
Don Eppes: I guess I was inspired by Mr. Heisenberg, just like Charlie here suggested.
Alan Eppes: Heisenberg? What do you mean, the physicist?
Don Eppes: Yeah.
Alan Eppes: Oh. Your brother goes into a dangerous confrontation with heavily armed felons, and you prepare him with a lecture on the movement of subatomic particles?
Charlie Eppes: Yep. It worked, didn't it?
Alan Eppes: You know, Don and Charlie, they graduated high school on the same day.
Terry Lake: Thank you. Don's mentioned it. A few times.
Alan Eppes: Kind of puts an edge on that sibling rivalry thing, you know.
Terry Lake: I'm sure it does. Having a kid like Charlie had to put some unusual pressure on the family. How old was he when you first realized he was exceptional?
Alan Eppes: He was three when he multiplied four-digit numbers in his head. By the age of four, he needed special teachers, special classes. My wife - I mean, his mother and I, we put a lot of time into his education. It was Don who was the one who had to get used to taking care of himself.
Terry Lake: Well, he might have gotten used to it, but I'm not sure he's as good at it as he thinks he is.
Alan Eppes: Well, it's hard for him to ask anyone for help. And it's really hard for him to ask Charlie.
Alan Eppes: Yeah, yeah, sure. I need you to come to dinner... at the house, on Wednesday. I have a date.
Don Eppes: Oh yeah? A date? Hey, well, that's good. With who?
Alan Eppes: Well, it's someone Art knows from yoga. Yeah, her name's Jill. He says she's smart, she's funny, and, uh, quite flexible. So, I, I, eh, I, wh-, we're having dinner at the house, and I would like you to be there.
Don Eppes: Hey, look, hey. No. Just take her somewhere low-key, you'll do fine.
Alan Eppes: Look, it's my first date in over thirty-five years; I would like memorable instead of low-key.
Don Eppes: Low-key and memorable aren't mutually exclusive. You know what my favorite date ever was? Pepperoni pizza at a laundromat.
Alan Eppes: Yes, which explains the conspicuous absence of grandchildren. So, Wednesday, 7:30. Bring a date?
Alan Eppes: Checkmate.
Don Eppes: Checkmate.
Charlie Eppes: Oh, yeah, I see. You guys are ganging up on me, huh? You did that on purpose, that little distraction thing.
Don Eppes: Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?
Alan Eppes: Well, I-I like coming whenever Charlie gives one of these math-for-dummies lectures. It's the only time I actually understand what he's talking about.
Alan Eppes: Ah, I'm just a little nervous.
Terry Lake: Don't worry-everything looks wonderful. In fact, your son could learn a few things from you. Know where we went on our first date?
Don Eppes: All right, all right, all right, all right.
Terry Lake: The laundromat. Dinner was pizza.
Don Eppes: A little professionalism...
Alan Eppes: You don't say... How interesting.
Don Eppes: Dad, sorry, we gotta go.
Alan Eppes: Sure, right. Couldn't get any worse.
Don Eppes: Listen: alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
Alan Eppes: For who?
Alan Eppes: Old man?
Charlie Eppes: I use it strictly as a term of endearment, Father.
Alan Eppes: Well, get ready, my little boy, 'cause this old man is gonna kick your ass.
Charlie Eppes: What are ya gonna do? You gonna cheat again?
Alan Eppes: I'm getting the Scrabble board.
Charlie Eppes: Uh. uh... Th... Scrabble's missing a piece!
Alan Eppes: That was better.
Charlie Eppes: What?
Alan Eppes: It was! You almost hit the ball.
Charlie Eppes: You know, I'm the king at basketball, I-I-I can snowboard, I'm the best at video games, I'm even getting over my fear of rock climbing. But I still, I can't hit this little white ball.
Charlie Eppes: [Larry has been waxing philosophical] Is that the kind of stuff you talk about with Megan at lunch?
Don Eppes: [Don and Dad are surprised; Larry looks at Charlie, who grins mischievously] Wait, ho-ho-hold on. You and Megan went out to lunch?
Alan Eppes: Oh, please tell me you ordered something other than white food. [the Eppes men laugh]
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [trying to maintain some dignity] This was a meal shared by two inquisitive minds in an intellectual pursuit.
Charlie Eppes: [grinning bigger] Of course it was, like all your lunches with David. Oh, and with Colby.
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [matter-of-factly] A gamma ray burst will release more energy in ten seconds than the sun will emit in its entire ten-billion-year lifespan.
Don Eppes: I got it, what's the Hulk's real name?
Charlie Eppes: Um, Bruce Banner.
Don Eppes: That's right. I mean, didn't gamma rays turn him into the Hulk?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [still matter-of-factly] They come from the furthest ends of the universe, and after 45 years, we're still uncertain of their origin. [turns to leave]
Alan Eppes: And?
Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: [pointedly matter-of-fact] And we're closer to an answer on *that* than the three of you are ever going to get on *this*. [smirks slightly, and closes the door behind him]
« previous1next »
|Previous: Charlie Eppes||Next: Megan Reeves|
» Back to Numb3rs Wiki