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 | Season 4 / Episode 27: - Dodge's Dad Joy Turner: Sweet Jesus! Earl Hickey: I know! I'm Dodge's father! Joy Turner: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already. Darnell Turner: We've got another problem. Earl Hickey: What? Darnell Turner: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those. Joy Turner: What does that mean? Darnell Turner: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father. Joy Turner: Now, everybody just calm down. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Randy: I know I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone's threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that's when you can keep it to yourself. |
| Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Randy: All we have to do is open up the bomb, say "I hope this works", close our eyes and cut the blue wire. I seen it a million times on TV. It's easy. Earl Hickey: What do we do now, Randy? Randy: I think that we go to commercial. |
| Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Earl Hickey: Darnell always told us his dad died in the American-Canadian War. |
| Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Earl Hickey: So you were in the CIA or the FBI? Thomas: Even more secretive than that. Randy: Don't tell me - IRS? PBS? TCBY? Thomas: Actually, it was the... Randy: BYOB? Thomas: Son... you're getting on my last nerve. |
| Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Thomas: Run out to Walgreens and get me a belated birthday card. Soldier: We're in Angola. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 18: - Friends with Benefits Janine: I don't really need a new airplane, and Carol doesn't need a pool. Carol: Yeah, I'm drunk all the time and can't swim - probably not a good combination. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Joy: Fictional characters are in books Darnell. MacGyver's on TV. |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Randy Hickey: Stand aside! I'm invincible! [Rams the cellar door] Ow! I'm vincible! I'm vincible! |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Darnell Turner: That was more than street smarts. That was street genius. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 6: - We've Got Spirit Earl Hickey: [Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind. Joy Turner: [Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous! Joy Turner: Oh, come on! You just like her because she's the same color as pancakes! |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - We've Got Spirit Joy Turner: You boys finish up your homework! Don't too good at it, mama needs that summer school for free daycare. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 4: - Stole an RV Earl Hickey: This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over sixty. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 3: - Joy In A Bubble Joy Turner: Lord love a duck, Darnell! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Joy Turner: I swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was little. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Earl Hickey: I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me. Joy Turner: Good, 'cause I'd do it again. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Carl Hickey: I would like a box of your largest condoms. Ripped for their pleasure. And by their pleasure, I mean yours. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Kay Hickey: [Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body. [Randy has panic in his eye] He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon. [Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"] Randy Hickey: [Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better. [Desperately trying to change the subject] Not talking about this stuff. Kay Hickey: [Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina? Randy Hickey: [On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops... [Looking ill] I'll go get us more drinks. [Rushes to the bar stage left] Kay Hickey: Ok. I'm gonna tinkle. [Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left] Joy Turner: [Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on? Randy Hickey: [Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything? [Joy is suddenly very interested] Joy Turner: [Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well! [Flash to terrified Kay on toilet] Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho. Kay Hickey: [Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God! Joy Turner: [Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-las t-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters. Kay Hickey: [Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone! Joy Turner: [Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men. Kay Hickey: I am nothing like you! [Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face] Joy Turner: [Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel! Kay Hickey: [Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can! [Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out] Joy Turner: [Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh... [Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead] Great... [shouting] Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again! |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Carl Hickey: [Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken. Earl Hickey: Uh, once again, Dad, I gotta say I'm a little conflicted about this. Brenda the Bank Teller: Next! Carl Hickey: Hello Brenda! [Smiling with anticipation] Brenda the Bank Teller: [Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt! Carl Hickey: Well, according to you on numerous occasions this color brings out the BLUE in my eyes! [Flirting] [Turns around to wink at Earl] Brenda the Bank Teller: Makes 'em sparkle! [Both Brenda and Carl are chuckling as Carl turns back toward Brenda] Brenda the Bank Teller: What can I do for you today? Carl Hickey: [Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes. Earl Hickey: [Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!] [Earl turns to the man behind him] Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid. Brenda the Bank Teller: Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message. But I was just trying to be nice. It's just customer service. Carl Hickey: [pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me? Brenda the Bank Teller: No. Carl Hickey: [Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Earl Hickey: [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him. Diana: Next! Carl Hickey: [Smiling] Hello, Diane! Diana: [Grinning Big] There's my Carl. Carl Hickey: [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you. Diana: [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh! Carl Hickey: [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Earl Hickey: Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance. Carl Hickey: [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little. Earl Hickey: [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week. Carl Hickey: [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms. Earl Hickey: Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening! [Yelling after Carl in the parking lot] Earl Hickey: [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty? Patty: Ha-Hey Earl! Earl Hickey: When did you start working here? Patty: Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush [Then President Bush] monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule. Carl Hickey: [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter] [With a cocky jaunt of the head] I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes. Diana: I thought you needed the largest kind we had. [Snarky] Carl Hickey: Just ring it up, pecker-tease... Earl Hickey: [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things... Patty: Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores. Carl Hickey: [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you! [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy] Patty: Thank you! [Patty immediately turns the candy box over] Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this [Patty circles her mouth with her index finger] a peanut free zone. [Hands nuts back to Carl] Earl Hickey: Dad, Patty's a hooker. Carl Hickey: [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me. Patty: Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress. Carl Hickey: Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it! Patty: [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but... Carl Hickey: I'm not changing my mind! [Slamming car door] |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Earl Hickey: [Narrating] There were two things I could have sworn I would never see with my own eyes: A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 19: - Love Octagon Frank: Oh whatever, I'm the only person in the room who really knows you. I mean, who was there when your aunt what's-her-name died. Billie: You mean my mom? Frank: Yeah, her. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 18: - Killerball Earl Hickey: Every neighborhood, there's people that annoy everybody else by working odd hours. In the trailer park, those hours are 9 to 5. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 17: - No Heads and a Duffel Bag Joy: Flavored Vodka is for sissies and pregnant women! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 15: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 2 Joy Turner: [while holding Earl's hand onto her boobs] Squeeze, baby, you're a vegetable, not a fruit! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Sissy: So where were we, lover? Catalina: Oh, snap! Joy Turner: [to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that. Randy Hickey: [breaks in] Get yo' boobs off my brother! Sissy: Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows. |
| Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Indian Doctor: He's suffered serious head trauma and massive internal injuries. Randy Hickey: Well, at least they're internal. Indian Doctor: He also has severely bruised nipples. [Joy looks aside] We might not be able to save one of them. In addition, he has some palet shaped burns on the sides of his head. And let's see what else. His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs, and last but not least, we're not sure, but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm. Joy Turner: Oh, my God, that crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage. |
| Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Indian Doctor: He has a fantastic mustache and, praise be to Ganesh, it was unharmed. Other than that, all we can do is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now, eh? |
| Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Catalina: Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby. Joy Turner: Gonorrhea? |
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