My Name Is Earl Quotes

My Name Is Earl

- Episode Quotes

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My Name Is Earl Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 27: - Dodge's Dad Joy Turner: Sweet Jesus! Earl Hickey: I know! I'm Dodge's father! Joy Turner: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already. Darnell Turner: We've got another problem. Earl Hickey: What? Darnell Turner: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those. Joy Turner: What does that mean? Darnell Turner: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father. Joy Turner: Now, everybody just calm down.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - My Name Is Alias Randy: I know I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone's threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that's when you can keep it to yourself.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Joy: Fictional characters are in books Darnell. MacGyver's on TV.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Randy Hickey: Stand aside! I'm invincible! [Rams the cellar door] Ow! I'm vincible! I'm vincible!
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Nature's Game Show Darnell Turner: That was more than street smarts. That was street genius.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - We've Got Spirit Earl Hickey: [Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind. Joy Turner: [Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous! Joy Turner: Oh, come on! You just like her because she's the same color as pancakes!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - We've Got Spirit Joy Turner: You boys finish up your homework! Don't too good at it, mama needs that summer school for free daycare.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Stole an RV Earl Hickey: This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over sixty.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Joy Turner: I swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was little.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Earl Hickey: I've decided to forgive you for cheating on me. Joy Turner: Good, 'cause I'd do it again.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Monkeys Take a Bath Carl Hickey: I would like a box of your largest condoms. Ripped for their pleasure. And by their pleasure, I mean yours.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Love Octagon Frank: Oh whatever, I'm the only person in the room who really knows you. I mean, who was there when your aunt what's-her-name died. Billie: You mean my mom? Frank: Yeah, her.
	Season 3 / Episode 18: - Killerball Earl Hickey: Every neighborhood, there's people that annoy everybody else by working odd hours. In the trailer park, those hours are 9 to 5.
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - No Heads and a Duffel Bag Joy: Flavored Vodka is for sissies and pregnant women!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 2 Joy Turner: [while holding Earl's hand onto her boobs] Squeeze, baby, you're a vegetable, not a fruit!
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Sissy: So where were we, lover? Catalina: Oh, snap! Joy Turner: [to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that. Randy Hickey: [breaks in] Get yo' boobs off my brother! Sissy: Please don't take him from me. God left him to me on the front of my truck. He usually just leaves me bugs and birds. Anyway, you can't take him from me. We already exchanged vows.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Indian Doctor: He's suffered serious head trauma and massive internal injuries. Randy Hickey: Well, at least they're internal. Indian Doctor: He also has severely bruised nipples. [Joy looks aside] We might not be able to save one of them. In addition, he has some palet shaped burns on the sides of his head. And let's see what else. His left buttock is filled with buckshot, his teeth are covered in bugs, and last but not least, we're not sure, but we think he might have had an involuntary orgasm. Joy Turner: Oh, my God, that crazy bitch tried to constipate the marriage.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Indian Doctor: He has a fantastic mustache and, praise be to Ganesh, it was unharmed. Other than that, all we can do is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now, eh?
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - I Won't Die With a Little Help From My Friends: Part 1 Catalina: Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby. Joy Turner: Gonorrhea?
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Early Release Earl: I know what you're doing! You're fattening me up for Thanksgiving dinner! Well, no one is eating Earl J. Turkey! Gobble, gobble!
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Early Release Earl: Finding the prison blueprints was easy. The warden got lost so many times he had them laminated so that he could take them every time he needed to find the bathroom.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Early Release Guard: Where's Father Tadone? Joy: He called in sick. Guard: Where's Sister Bernadette? Darnell: She called in sick, too. We have our suspicions.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Early Release Earl: I almost had an idea, but now I lost it! Randy Hickey: That happens to me all the time.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Midnight Bun Earl Hickey: [looking for escaped prisoner] Okay look, we have 46 hours, Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store? Randy Hickey: It's the one next to the train station and that costume store, near the bong shop where they make the fake IDs. We just have to look for a guy who could be dressed as anything and whose anywhere train might go.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Midnight Bun Joy Turner: Excuse me? Hey, last name's Turner, I need to see a doctor, pronto. Nurse: [on hospital intercom] Doctor Pronto to reception please, doctor Pronto!
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Our Other Cops is On! Part 2 Darnell Turner: Stay close, but not too close remembering I'm naked and whatnot.
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Our Other Cops is On! Part 2 Officer Hoyne: I read the manual on how to profile possible terrorists, but it was really confusing so I got this from the hardware store. Officer Hoyne: I'm questioning anybody that falls between Swiss almond and coconut husk.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Our Other Cops is On! Part 1 Joy: [brandishing a weed whacker at Earl] You gotta do something! Like provide for me! I am the queen, you are the worker bee! Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Frank's Girl Frank: Earl, buddy, it's good to see you. Listen, listen, you got to go find my girl, Billie. Just tell her that I'm not blowing her off, and that I love her, and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Earl. She's my angel. Earl Hickey: [Frank shows Earl his photo of Billie] Wow, you're, uh, naked angel ... Frank: Yeah. Earl Hickey: ...with wings tattooed on her most private angel area. Frank: Yeah, those wings cost me a fortune. Plus, it was awkward. Her brother was the tattoo artist. Earl Hickey: Ah, that explains the "love your brother." I thought she was just trying to make the world a better place.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Frank's Girl Catalina: [to a very pregnant Joy] Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen, they look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow up your flip-flops.

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