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 | Season 9 / Episode 6: - Dog Dazed Susan Harper: Yes, Ben. I want to get a dog. Ben Harper: [Thinking Susan wanted more kids] Ah, hahahaha! Thank God for that. Susan Harper: You're OK with that? Ben Harper: Absolutely not! |
| Season 9 / Episode 6: - Dog Dazed Susan Harper: Please, Ben. Let's get a dog. Ben Harper: Isn't this house crowded enough? It's like the hotel in "The Shining", except it's never vacant and I don't get to go crazy and kill the family. |
| Season 9 / Episode 6: - Dog Dazed Ben Harper: Owning a pet takes responsibility. Remember what happened to the goldfish? Susan Harper: Yes, you killed it. Ben Harper: You told me to clean the tank. Susan Harper: You're supposed to take the fish out first. Goldie didn't stand a chance. Ben Harper: Goldie came out nice and clean, though. |
| Season 9 / Episode 6: - Dog Dazed Susan Harper: It's been years since we had a dog. Remember how much you loved Muffin? Ben Harper: Muffin! I hated Muffin. Susan Harper: If you had fixed the fence like I'd asked you to, he wouldn't have run away. Ben Harper: He didn't run away, he escaped. He's probably sunning himself in a beach in Acapulco. |
| Season 9 / Episode 6: - Dog Dazed Roger Bailey Jnr.: I, er, I heard about Amanda. Listen, Michael, I've had a relationship that didn't work, but things do get better eventually. Michael Harper: So I 'll get over it? Roger Bailey Jnr.: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You'll never get over it. You just learn to live with the pain. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 4: - The Psych of Mikey Alfie Butts: [to Gwyneth] I'm serious move in with me. I'm a valued member of this family now. They love me. [to Ben] Mr Harper, how would you feel about Gwyneth moving in? Ben Harper: Great! She can have your room. Nice knowing you, Alfie. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - The Psych of Mikey Susan Harper: [On hearing Michael is seeing a therapist] Maybe... maybe we should go and talk to this therapist. Ben Harper: Maybe not. Maybe I should sort out this problem with a little father-son chat. Susan Harper: Did it occur to you that your father-son chats may have put him there in the first place? Ben Harper: You spoil him! Susan Harper: You're hyper-critical! Ben Harper: You're overbearing! Susan Harper: You're emotionally constipated! |
 | Season 9 / Episode 2: - Bringing Up Janey Ben Harper: Everything going all right with James, is it? Janey Harper: Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating! Ben Harper: [Gleefully] And rich! Janey Harper: Handsome... Ben Harper: ...and rich! Janey Harper: He's really... Ben Harper: ...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him? Janey Harper: Trying to get rid of me, are you? Ben Harper: No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire. |
| Season 9 / Episode 2: - Bringing Up Janey MI5 Officer: I have to say in the 15 years I've been carrying out these interviews for MI5, I have never come across a family like yours. Michael Harper: [pause] They're... they're unique. MI5 Officer: Anyway, I'm pleased to say that a starting position in the computer and network specialist division will be available to you when you've finished your studies - should you want it. Michael Harper: I don't understand. You've met my family? MI5 Officer: Exactly. It's a miracle you haven't cracked up yet! You've clearly been under torture for years. [Shakes his hand] Welcome to MI5. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 6: - One Of The Boys Janey: I just want you to know, I found a bank with a very low interest rate. Ben: Oh really? Can't be any lower than mine. |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - One Of The Boys Susan Harper: Look, all I'm trying to say is if you go through life with your head in the sand, all people will see is an ass. |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - One Of The Boys Alfie Butts: I'm an acoustic freedom fighter on a crusade to bring Celtic rock to the ears of the masses. Charlie Briggs: How's that going? Alfie Butts: I'm saving up for a new plectrum at the moment. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 3: - Once More with Feeling Ben Harper: Susan, you know I'm not very good at this... Look, the reason I haven't got much written down is because I find it... you know, very difficult describing what you mean to my life, because you *are* my life. You're the first thing I think about when I wake up. You're the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. You're my wife, Susan, my lover, my best friend. And I loved you when we married and I love you now and I'll love you to the day I die. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 4: - Living the Dream Janey Harper: The guy's a total charmer. Grace: I had a charmer once. You know, every time I tried to finish with him, somehow he'd get me back into bed with those three little words. Susan Harper: 'Gin and tonic'? |
 | Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Roger: Don't be such a Scrooge! Ben: For your information, Scrooge was the misunderstood hero of the book until the end, when Dickens copped out and made him nice. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Ben: Why can't we knock Kenzo out with cough medicine and pretend we had a party? Susan: Why can't I just knock *you* out with cough medicine and pretend you had a wife? |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Susan: It seems like only yesterday it was Janey's third birthday... Ben: ...when it was only thousands of pounds ago. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Ben: I've got a little problem. Just a *tiny* disparity between how much I spent on your mother's Christmas present and how much she spent on mine. Michael: How tiny? Ben: [hesitantly] £1,197.53. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Ben: What can I get your mother? I mean, you talk to her. Michael: How about an Xbox? Ben: Nope. She doesn't get off on those movies. God knows I've tried. Michael: That's the kind of thought you should keep inside your head. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Ben: Come on. What does your mother want? Michael: Well... Ben: And don't say her freedom. Michael: Oh. Well, in that case, I've got nothing. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Susan: I thought we were going to talk about Kenzo's party. Janey: Mum, why do you always have to control everything? Susan: I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to. What have you got in mind for Kenzo's party? Janey: [thinks] Actually, your plan sounds good. Let's go with that. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Grace: I never forgot your birthday. Susan: That's because it co-incided with the Munich Beer Festival. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Grace: If anyone needs an Aspirin, I do! Ben: [in a gremlin's voice] Why don't you swallow the whole bottle, you old bat? |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Michael: How's it going? How are you finding us? Alfie: Yeah. Your family are very nice. Michael: Give it time. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Susan: [after finishing baking Kenzo's birthday cake] I'd like to see Nigella make a cake without butter, flour and sugar! |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Alfie: [at the Harpers' front door] I'm a friend of Nick's. Ben: [gasps] Nick alert! |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - Bliss for Idiots Alfie: You must be Michael. Michael: Whoa! In this family, we do not display signs of affection... or affection. |
 | Unknown Episode: Nick: [through a video postcard] Mum, Dad, I miss you. My Far-Eastern adventure was not what I expected. I came here to follow my dreams and ended up being pursued by a nightmare. My backpack fell down a waterfall; my passport got stolen from a bar; my girlfriend turned out to be a man! Worst of all, my plan to set up a Punch and Judy franchise on every beach in Thailand fell foul of the all-powerful Puppeteers Union. They're worse than the Triads! And I need to pay them 2,000 US Dollars or they'll stuff me and mount me and use me as a glove puppet! Mum, Dad, if you're watching this, please wire me the money before it's too late! I'm desperate! |
| Unknown Episode: Nick: [through a video postcard] Mum, Dad, bad news! The money hasn't arrived! I think it was stolen on an island by cyber pirates. And now the price has gone up. I need 3,000 US Dollars and I need it quickly! The Puppeteers Union have joined forces with the Guild of Lady Boys. Please help! I can't hide from them much longer! Please! Michael: [filming Nick in his room] Cut. Well, it's good for me. Nick: Oh, yeah? Oh, I don't know. Cyber Pirates; do you think they'll buy that? Nick, Michael: Yeah! Nick: One more for luck? Michael: OK. Nick: I'll think I'll try for 4,000 this time! |
| Unknown Episode: Ben Harper: [dashing through doors] Abi, Abi! Loo... umm, might sound weird, but I would like you to be my mistress for half an hour. Abi Harper: Okay! Ben Harper: [takes her hand, starts pulling her toward the door] Great! Come on, it's urgent. Roger Bailey Jnr.: [takes her other hand and drags her back] You fiend, how dare you! Ben Harper: Roger, Roger, it's just for a minute. You won't miss her! Roger Bailey Jnr.: Let her go, let her go, she's mine! Roger Bailey Jnr.: No, Roger, she's mine! Roger Bailey Jnr.: No! Ben Harper: Roger, I'm desperate! Roger Bailey Jnr.: Buy a magazine! |
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