Jay Pritchett: We think that Griffin might be hanging out with you because he's got a little crush on your mother and me.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: On you?
Manny Delgado: Wow. I can't believe it.
Jay Pritchett: Listen, it's fine. You're gonna be fine.
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm sorry.
Manny Delgado: Are you kidding? It's fantastic!
Jay Pritchett: How is it fantastic?
Manny Delgado: I'm only hanging out with him because I have the hots for his sister Chloe. You've met Griffin; the kid's a doorknob.

Phil Dunphy: [a rival realtor has stolen his account] You're not gonna believe this. Mitzi got the listing.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, no, honey. That's awful!
Phil Dunphy: She cheated, she lied, and she won. Kids, gather round.
Haley Dunphy: Again, we are gathered.
Phil Dunphy: You want to get ahead? Don't play by the rules. Turns out nice guys finish last in this cold dog-eat-dog world.
Luke Dunphy: It's not fair. Why don't you play dirty, too? You could take her down.
Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey, 'cause your dad is a better man than that. He has values and morals and...
Phil Dunphy: Shh... You, keep talking.
Luke Dunphy: Well, just off the top of my head, you could take my spy pen an record her admitting what she did. And then you could play it for those people so they'd realize what a jerk she is.
Claire Dunphy: Your dad is never gonna do that.
Phil Dunphy: You're a regular chatterbox today. Get me that pen!

[none added]